Boy howdy, I hate to see a blog curl up and die due to neglect. And I speak not of Key Issues, but mine own.
Nonetheless, being of sober mind and evil merriment I found the skeleton key to this site in my waistcoat pocket, and thought I would bedevil the owner a bit. Heaven forfend I pollute my own site when the Muse is out whoring around, oblivious to my ministrations.
And so we will speak of the scours. Have you ever been to a 4-H function? Heart, Health, Whatever, Whatever. I forget the last two. Nonetheless, they are Healthy and Wholesome things. I have. Been to 4-H summer camps, and listened to kids talk about birthing mammals, and the suckling word was bandied about.
But let us cut to the chase. I promised you scours, we shall have scours.
When the Senator moved us to the Farm he bought some baby calves, which we would raise. Teach us Responsibility, and where the succulent meats come from. So far, so good. But calves get the scours, a viscious diarrhoea that causes said calf to expunge, at sound barrier velocities, excrement of a most foul nature.
My calf Clyde got the scours (named him after Clyde Barrow, having just seen Bonnie and Clyde at the nickleodeon in Statesboro that summer). Would explode a stream of Grey Poupon out of his rectum reminescent of a World War II flame thrower (aside: what ever happened to flame throwers? The Army phased them out. They're gone. Nothing says I got your number like incineration. But, again, that's just me).
I forget how we treated it. Electrolytes? I'm pretty sure we just let it work its way out.
The point? I do have one. Never ever give me your keys because you have a vacation coming up. And then forget I have them. I'm on eternal holiday. I have nothing but mischief up my sleeve. And if I were a betting man I would reckon this is my last post here. Just surmising.
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I'll take that bet, bro.
Grey Poupon. Classic V-Man.
- Dposted by Donnie on December 23, 2005 08:27 PM
Methinks that using a device to incinerate terrorists would offend the fragile sensitivities of those who apparently have forgotten that terrorists incinerated a couple thousand Americans in 2001.posted by Jim - PRS on December 24, 2005 10:42 PM
... I have seen these scours you talk of first hand... nasty stuff, indeed.... that said, this post could have been much, much worse...posted by Eric on December 25, 2005 08:15 AM
Yeah, that's nice. Shitblogging for Christmas. Animal shitblogging for Christmas.
Damn, but I love da Bloggy-Sphere!posted by Elisson on December 25, 2005 08:55 AM
Do reindeer calves suffer from this, too? Between this post and Catfish's "leakage" post, I'm never gonna think of Rudolf The Rednosed Reindeer in quite the same fashion.posted by zonker on December 27, 2005 11:43 AM
Organic flame throwers, lackin' only a spark.
I am suprised that you did not make an attempt.posted by RedNeck on December 28, 2005 06:26 PM
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You peeps way up yonder, up to your bellybuttons in dry, fluffy snow?!
Got no sympathy for ya. Mother Nature just spanked Georgia. Cold. Wet. Icy. Nasty. Not one damn fluffy flake. Of course.
And yet, I still had to get out of bed.
Fortunately though, I am in better shape than my poor dogwood:
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75 degrees here. Wearing my Recondo32 Blog T shirt. Come over to the Dark Side, Key. It's nice and warm here in Hell.posted by Velociman on December 15, 2005 07:27 PM
I spent the day plowing snow, will have to plow again tomorrow. Can't wait to get to Ga NYE!posted by livey on December 15, 2005 08:28 PM
I awoke to the sound of my UPS beeping. Looked over and saw the display on my clock radio was off. Figgered out I lost power. Got up. Turned off the UPS. Went back to bed and let the sound of the falling rain lull me back to sleep. Got up at 11:00 after the power was restored. I'm retired ya know.
NOW you have a reason to be pissed off at me. Heh. Heh. Heh.posted by Denny on December 16, 2005 11:58 PM
Hopefully you already know this by now, but your dogwood should be okay. We had a bad ice storm a few years back and I couldn't believe all our trees that were full of ice and laying on the ground came back to life. I hope yours did, too.posted by Dash on December 18, 2005 10:28 PM
Key - Redneck accused you of displaying buttcrack in some comments on Bou's site. I told him you were gonna kick his ass. BTW, Merry Christmas!posted by Denny on December 23, 2005 03:49 PM
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Every one of ya.
I'm mad at ya, and ya ain't gettin nuttin for Christmas!
Okay, okay.... So you weren't getting anything anyway. It's all I can do to round up the niceties for the obligatories in my life, even though I treasure you optionals with a fondness that most of them will never know. But I've been slammed. Doing the season right, I am: baking toffee and painting snowmen...
So Cat: I love you, man. And yeah, the others too...
Meanwhile, I'm sure that I have a reason to be pissed off with the Acidic One. I usually do. However, since I've been a horrible reader o blogroll lately, I'm not sure what that reason is... Besides, I need to get out of the doghouse for failing to snail mail when he was away from blogworld. I got out the purple stationery and stared at it, but nothing happened. So as penance, I offer (in the extended entry) a portrait of da blogfaddah that I penned with my very own mouse. And now, I must do Christmas cards. (No, not for you people! I did blodgers last year. This year, I must recognize family and people I keep saying I'll meet for lunch, but never do...)
Here da man is:Read More "Ya Done Pissed Me Off" »
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... me?... hey, what did I do?.. wait, it was breakfast in Englewood, wasn't it.... damn..posted by Eric on December 15, 2005 05:22 PM
Glad to see you back, even if you are... umm... pissy?posted by livey on December 15, 2005 08:26 PM
Geez, I'm not on that list of People You're Pissed Off With...is that a good thing?posted by Elisson on December 15, 2005 10:05 PM
Blitzen or blitzed?
(BTW - I think that picture is missing something. Like a strategically-placed stick of dynamite. Isn't he supposed to be "Yosemite Sam with a stick of TNT up his butt" or something?)posted by zonker on December 15, 2005 11:59 PM
Woohoo! I found the ONE person who doesn't have my name on their shitlist!
Hope you have a wonderful Xmas!posted by Chablis on December 16, 2005 08:43 AM
And I love you to.posted by Catfish on December 16, 2005 08:31 PM
Yeah, yeah, yeah...Hell, I always thought you were sexy when you're pissed, Key - Glad to see that holds true :-)
Donnie of the un-abandoned URLposted by Donnie on December 19, 2005 10:52 PM
uwwluci xeftzfjposted by Mark on February 27, 2006 10:12 PM
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The other night I finished a box of cereal, and I was monumentally proud of myself. See? I can finish things that I start. Of course, some of the more involved projects, like, I dunno, blogging, have been shamefully ignored.
Regarding Priss: Two weeks ago, I was irritated with the child, yet unable to show it, due to this Santa deal that we adults have cursed ourselves with. I'm pretty sure I was being played.
The list was due early, so that Santa could order everything online. Of course, the day after all was painstakingly price-compared, found to be in stock, and ordered, Miss Priss decided she would like to revise her list, and so, a new one would need to be emailed to Santa.
"NO!" I say. "Too late. Santa's done with you." "No problem," she informs me. "Santa's magic. Hey, it's not like you're having to pay for it or anything..."
Uh-huh... She is nine. Old enough to know the score; young enough to get away with playing dumb. Played.
Last week, the irritation continued. The child would not stay at school. I, therefore, could not stay at work. She looked okay to me. No fever. Off to school she goes! By ten, the nurse would call, and I would be summoned to collect the child.
WTF? I thought. When I was a kid, a fever or puking was the only way to get a ride home. In fact, I was constantly hacking up green shit, so I know that didn't work.
Nonetheless, gotta be good mommy. Pick up the babe. Gently remind her that a governmental nanny takes the roll every day, and regardless of her straight A's, if she would like to see the 5th grade, she must attend classes.
Well, she showed me.
Over the weekend, she spiked a fever of 101, that had risen to 103 by yesterday morning. Now, being attentive mommy, I had already taken her to the doc first thing Monday, and had since been shoving antibiotics down her throat and into her pitifully empty stomach.
Yesterday am, however, the tonsils were still huge, almost swollen together, and covered in white slime. Back to doc. More tests.
Good news! It's not strep! Bad news! It's not strep! Wha? ...No, it's worse. It's mono.
So we were sent home with steroids, which, fortunately, have worked miracles. I was able to get her out of bed today, pick up homework assignments, and then finally darken the door to the office, where I haven't put in a full day in...weeks. Yep. Looks like the post office blew up in here.
So although I still very much love and miss all of my blogfriends, whom I am painfully neglecting, it may be the first of the year before I am able to catch up with my reading, even though I will steal time as I can.
I'm sure, however, that I'll be back before Christmas, so for now, I will simply wish you all a happy and peaceful shopping experience. Because even if the big tickets are ordered online, still gotta go out for stocking stuffers... And tape. And groceries. Fa la la la la!
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I hope your daughter recovers quickly!
To update you since you may not have read on my blog, I'm now on the same side of the ocean as you, so I might actually make a blog-meet one day!
I'm glad your daughter is doing better.
Now, about those steroids... I want some Mae Wests. Can they do that?posted by Velociman on December 8, 2005 11:08 PM
Glad to see that you're still hanging around these parts! Hope you're daughter is back to 100% again soon.posted by zonker on December 9, 2005 12:41 AM
Oh, no, honey, I hope she feels better soon and that you can have a break too. Bless your heart.posted by Kelly on December 9, 2005 10:11 AM
Yeah. Yeah. Just making excuses for not blogging. Get well soon!posted by Denny on December 9, 2005 01:34 PM
.. all the best to your little one, Key... I hope she gets well soon...posted by Eric on December 10, 2005 06:36 PM
yeah, key lives!! glad you are nursing that mono priss and getting in the holiday spirit. i didn't make the online shipping deadlines, found lots out of stock, so i'm off to the toy stores to beat the living daylights out of anyone who stands between me and a 170 ARC starfighter. Merry Christmas!!posted by shoe on December 11, 2005 07:31 PM
Ewww...Mono. Scary stuff. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.posted by Dana on December 12, 2005 02:29 PM
Where is Kelley? You never write or call me anymore? Are you mad with me? Catposted by Catfish on December 15, 2005 12:36 PM
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