Observations by Key Monroe~~Home of Right Opinions, Cynical Viewpoints, and TMI in Hefty Doses
|E-mail: keymonroe [at] alltel [dot] net

July 28, 2004

If you haven't read it...


Hat tip to my man Sam, who has it going on.

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posted by Key on 10:45 PM | Comments (18)
» Random Fate links with: She didn't know what she started...
» Random Fate links with: Now that we're fully divided, how do we pick up the pieces?

Oh, Forthaluva...

Don't take the children!

Take the celebrities, take the ignorant, take the closet socialists, but don't take the children!

I'm going to remember her name. Ilana Wexler. Maybe I'll call her up in about 10 years to see if maturity has knocked some sense into her given her a greater appreciation for less government.

People are so busy buying into the smokescreens that they are missing the big picture.

If you vote democratic, you vote for more government and more taxes. Period. I don't care if you think you are voting democratic for a different reason, this is the result of your action.

Now, there are reasons to vote democratic. They are as follows:

1. If you actually buy into the "social issues" smokescreen, and feel so passionately about your particular issue that you are willing to sacrifice your current (already compromised) form of government to a socialist regime to get it.

2. If you are too friggin lazy to support yourself, and are convinced that your country owes you something.

3. If you have so much money that you really don't give a shit... so you a) follow your peers, and b) rationalize that since you have more than you could possibly spend in several lifetimes, it's not going to break you to support the #2's out there. After all, it's a small price to pay for popularity.

I could go on. I won't. If I brought defense into it, I'd be typing another hour.

Look, I have friends (one or two), who are democrats. I'm not saying that they are all idiots. I am saying that with all the "here and now" hype, it has been easy enough for them to have lost sight of the big picture.

I see it. I don't like it. Where's the demand for less government?

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posted by Key on 04:36 PM | Comments (2)

July 27, 2004

Happy Dance

Da du-du-du-du-du, yeah!
Da du-du-du-du-du, hey!

She's back!

She's offering up some lame excuse about her arm having been broken in three places. Don't listen to it. Go give her hell.

In other news, Eric may be facing a serious smiting.

Velociman, don't smite him yet...lemme go make my popcorn first. (...just kidding Eric. Seriously, I got your back.)

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posted by Key on 09:31 PM | Comments (2) | Key Bloggers

July 26, 2004

Pity Party Over

I survived the weekend, and today I am left with nothing more than the memories, sore muscles, and jostled brain.

Sunday was his family...the fun (rather than obligatory) outing...the day on the boat.

Apparently, there's some sort of tube war going on between my sister-in-law and her husband. Unaware of their unspoken "lemme see if I can throw you" game, I innocently entered the humungo sized tube with the woman.

It hurt.

Hanging on for dear life behind a boat going 45 mph - although it felt like twice that - I cursed the swerving, maniacal madman steering the speedboat (that I could barely make out) thirty feet in front of me...

No. I do NOT have pictures. Sick people.

I lived.

Isn't that good enough for you?

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posted by Key on 10:11 PM | Comments (6)

July 23, 2004

Poor ME!

I have to hang out at the lake all weekend...

No really...poor me!

Saturday, my family. Sunday, his.

No rest for the weary.

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posted by Key on 10:46 PM | Comments (2)

Blog News

Two of my favorite fellas are back from brief blogging hiatus. Where would I be without my smartass and pain in the ass?

Welcome Back! (Drinks on Eric!)

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posted by Key on 10:44 PM | Comments (4)

It Smells So Sweet...

...that you just want to peel off your clothes and rub it all over your body!

So I did.

It's good stuff, and you gotta love a gal with a unique sales pitch.

Okay, get lost people...Go buy some soap.

(No, I'm not getting any kick-backs...yet.)

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posted by Key on 09:48 PM | Comments (2)

Technical Difficulties...

Those of you and you and you who are irritated with me cuz I haven't updated my blogroll, bear with me!

A kind soul set up my page for me, as well as my blogroll, which for your information, is not in the main index of my template.

Any other guesses?

UPDATE: Thank you Anton! Apparently, I have more than one subcategory of templates. Due to his wise words, "scroll down [dumbass]," I have become acquainted with my blogroll. I'll spend more time on it later, but I think I took care of immediate needs.

BTW, my comments are no longer emailed to me, so I've lost a lot of urls. If yours has changed, or you'd like to be added, let me know now...before the spring cleaning bug leaves my body!

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posted by Key on 12:38 AM | Comments (4)

July 22, 2004

Another one by Young Dave

For Linda.






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posted by Key on 09:53 PM | Comments (5)

Your e-mails...

I haven't intensified my spam block settings thus far, for fear I'd miss out on the occasional piece of gushing fan mail.

But this week I snapped. After deleting 200 pieces of crap, which piled up during one weekend, I had to turn on the screens.

If you are in my directory, no problem. If not, please don't be annoyed if you don't hear from me right away. (Sometimes I forget to check the "junk" folder.)

If you end up resending the email, try putting something in the "subject" area that would separate you from a spammer. "Not spam" doesn't work by the way. (Try something relating to the blog or anything mentioned therein.)

If I still miss it, leave me a comment and cuss my ass out! (I can take it. I might even like it.)

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posted by Key on 07:13 PM | Comments (2)

July 21, 2004

So Sue Me.

No not really.

Dumbasses. Litigious dumbasses.

You know, if I had no character or sense of worth, I could dream up reasons to sue people. I've pulled nasty-ass things out of my food at established restaurant chains. I've been propositioned by the president of a multi-million dollar corporation, for whom I was employed. I've been run off of the road by a nervous sixteen-year old who had just gotten his license. And I've had tenants run off owing thousands in rent.

Yet I've never sued anyone. Amazing.

I'm not saying that I never would. If I am blatantly wronged in a way that negatively impacts my family, reputation, or livelihood, and cannot be settled any other way, I'm there.

Nope, not how it's seen anymore.

I try to collect on unpaid invoices. They don't feel like paying. "Sue me," they say. Nice. "No thanks." I tell them, "I'll just put a lien on your house."

Okay, so people don't want to take it seriously. Well, I do. So...DON'T CALL MY ASS AND THREATEN TO SUE ME IF YOU DON'T MEAN IT!

Yeah, yesterday was a great day. It's not going to happen; there's no case, but it's still irritating.

Have you noticed gentle audience, that the I'm-suing-you-because-I-need-the-money type seems to be a subcategory of the I-have-no-integrity-and-can't-accept-personal-responsibility much larger group?

Key Moral to the Story: If someone drops the ball, don't pick it up and hand it to them. If you do, you must be the one who knocked it out of their hand to begin with.

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July 20, 2004

Arnold, honey...

Don't apologize for calling them "Girlie Men." Rather, apologize for ending the speech with "Hasta la vista, baby."

I cringe.

How can anyone call the man a homophobe after he does something so incredibly gay?

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posted by Key on 05:46 PM | Comments (0) | Key Advice

July 19, 2004

Yucky Monday Suck Blah

That is all.

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posted by Key on 08:15 PM | Comments (5)

July 17, 2004

I wasn't going to write this weekend...

...but I just have one question.

And, may I first point out that I let a LOT of weirdo searches go by without commenting.

Some don't make since, but they're still okay...hey, #1 on Yahoo for "Key of Wow."

But although I'm (thankfully) not #1 on this search, I still must object. What the hell did I ever do to deserve that??

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posted by Key on 10:51 PM | Comments (1)

July 16, 2004

Working the Eyes


I started young.

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posted by Key on 09:04 PM | Comments (9)
» The Brier Patch links with: My Internet Chic...

Here it is...

5 months jail, 5 months house arrest, and years worth of negative publicity...

Justify it to death - whatever, I still think it's stupid.

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posted by Key on 04:17 PM | Comments (4)

Any Psychics Out There?

I could use some winning lotto numbers. No need for greed, I'll settle for the six figure petty cash ticket.

Long day...too many hours with three phone lines and one me...going home...

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posted by Key on 12:49 AM | Comments (0)

July 14, 2004

Rainbow Tongue

I love clear stuff. Clear juices, clear medicines, clear popsicles...these dye-free modern wonders excite me so!

It's not that I'm an organic freak who struggles over food purity issues; And I'm not really a cleanliness freak, but once a child has rejected cherry flavored cough syrup, their clothes have seen their last day.

Meanwhile, the kids' theory is the brighter the better.

They'll create a vacuum between the lollipop and their tongue, then remove it, stick out their tongues, and ask the question that I've heard too many times to count, "What color is my tongue?"

Then I'll say "green," and my reward will be the sound hysterical, satisfied laughter.

So today, I figured if ya can't beat 'em, join 'em. I really love Now & Laters anyway.

I'm sportin' a rainbow tongue.

(I'd post a pic, but I can't think of a dignified way to pose for it!)

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posted by Key on 10:18 PM | Comments (6)

I don't get it...

I'm not going to throw a hissy fit over a slain tiger, but I do have a question...

Why would anyone go on a tiger hunt - with the goal being live capture - without enough tranquilizer guns to go around?

It appears, in fact, that the one man attempting to net the creature was not outfitted with a tranquilizer gun.

Hmm...My gut says they wanted the beast dead or alive, but preferably dead.

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posted by Key on 07:21 PM | Comments (2)

July 13, 2004

Sexual Tension

Ahhh, the undercurrent of society, the energy that makes the world go 'round.

Strange stuff.

...a pain in the ass really.

It doesn't discriminate. It doesn't care whether you're rich or poor, black or white, married or single.

It's a very crippling disease, often melting the brains of those affected.

Is it mutual?


The god of sexual tension has a dark sense of humor.

If she didn't, otherwise normal men (or women for that matter) wouldn't walk up to the opposite sex and say, "I know you want me..."

WTF? Sounds like low budget film material.

I think that the few times that the line has been tried on me, I simply laughed.

But I thought If I wanted your ass, I'd be taking your ass. Now, what else do you know that you don't know? Speaking of arrogance...

Here's what I'm wondering...Is it just human nature to assume mutual attraction, or is it simply the old school theory of the inflated ego talking?

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posted by Key on 11:05 PM | Comments (10)

July 12, 2004


...is getting old.

Stupid-ass-lazy-ass Hollywood directors are loving it. Free actors, no writing, ridiculous adulation.

Bring me the adulators! I want to kicketh their ass! They are encouraging this behavior....which sucketh.

Some of the shows are OK, but crap, I can't find ANY decent programming anymore.

I don't want to watch real ER. I don't want to watch real court on TV. I don't want to watch real NYPD. It was interesting enough at first, but the newness is gone. Now, it is bor-ing...

I want to see a well-written script acted out by beautiful people with just the right mixture of suspense and sexual tension. Ahhh, the good 'ol days...

I'm not getting that anymore!

How long can America subscribe to this tripe anyway?

sigh...for now, reruns it is...

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posted by Key on 10:38 PM | Comments (11)

July 10, 2004



That is Miss Priss on the right being swallowed by a wave.

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posted by Key on 09:30 PM | Comments (4)

July 09, 2004

No Beach Pics

Fogettaboutet, ukay?

You want to see a swimsuit pic, maybe I'll post one from 2 years ago, when I was religiously attending kick boxing class.

I'm presently pinching too many inches to have any desire to share with the class.

In fact, there are precious few pictures of any adults on the one roll of film that I spent this weekend, and none of me. (The kids are the cuties now, so they were the stars of the show.)

But, if you turkeys behave over the weekend, maybe I'll dig up a few pics (out of my bottomless pit of unalbummed snapshots) to share with Blogworld.

So big Bro, you won the bet this time around. (I'd be careful next time you place bets, though. She's probably just setting you up for a fall...)

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posted by Key on 10:29 PM | Comments (5)

Don't Critique the Man to Death...

...just tell the man he's good. That's what he really wants to hear anyway, and in this case it just so happens to be true.

However, he is a tease, so we'll probably never know what happened to this character or even who he is for that matter!

Go read it anyway.

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posted by Key on 10:03 PM | Comments (1)
» Random Fate links with: It's easy to be impaled on a spike...

July 08, 2004

Do I have to work?

Really...I'm not in the mood.

Yet, the alternative is a helpless, whining existence as I plead incompetence and mooch off of the taxpayers, who would then be bent over the IRS barrel and raped due to my laziness.

In which case, I wonder whom I would vote for? (...Having gone there, I'll just be getting back to work after this brief intermission.)

It's just never fun to come home to life, after having spent six days nestled in white sands, staring at emerald waters. The trip was good for the soul.

Spending the 4th in a small beachfront town was something to behold. I thought the day would be celebrated the typical way...lounging, eating, 30 minutes of professional fireworks.

I thought wrong.

The parade started at 8am Saturday. Tourists and locals alike blended together in a red, white and blue confettied mess along the street in trucks, golf carts, bicycles, and scooters, all decked out in various patriotic themes. The crowd alongside the street was showered with candy, mardi gras beads, frisbees, and silly string.

My niece (age 10), who wanted to be in the parade, jumped on the back of a scooter with a young man (also 10) whom she had met the day before at the beach. The parade must have been a bonding experience for them, because for the next 48 hours, they were continually inventing reasons to run into one another. Ahhhh, the girl shoulda been mine. (Although, I must say, even I didn't start that young. Incidentally, when I told her as much, she shrugged as she replied, "What can I say? Hormones.")

Meanwhile, Miss Priss thumbed her nose at the idea of being in the parade, and rather decided she'd loot it up street side. She ended up with about five pounds of candy and thirteen strands of beads.

There were no professional fireworks, as such a display is prohibited in this particular county. So, rather than fight the crowd to drive in to Destin for a typical show, we took a blanket to the beach and settled in to watch the drunken spectacle of amateurs, who were already making a great deal of noise prior to sundown.

It was absolutely amazing. Unlike a professional show, this one went on and on for hours. Fireworks as far as the eye could see in either direction. The biggest show was a couple of hundred yards down on the left, but there were plenty going up directly overhead.

Admittedly, it probably wasn't the safest way to go, and I realized as much as I picked a smoking piece of debris out of my hair, but it was too breathtaking to retreat.

So we sat with our new beach friends, whom we'd met courtesy of my niece, and we watched the kids write their names with those dangerous sparklers that we shouldn't have let them hold, but did anyway. And we watched the sky light up as animated individuals celebrated the 4th with heart-swelling pride and drunkenness.

I hope everyone had an excellent holiday...and I hope you all were duly entertained by the gentlemen raiding my closets while I was out.

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posted by Key on 07:14 PM | Comments (3)

Ok, Everyone Out...

I'm back. Thank you so much fellas for keeping the place dusted.

Sam, honey, where would I be without you? Jack, you were wooonderful. Velociman, you left me wanting more of your wickedness.

Rob - sigh - naughty as usual...and about as tame as Yosemite Sam with a stick of dynamite up his ass. Now. Why don't you get that smokin' ass back here and clean up the mess you've made?!

Geoffrey, Will...I would have gladly left you guys a set of keys had I known such creatures of your fine caliber held even a passing interest in my humble abode. (Next time, the chore shall be yours.)

Details of the trip tomorrow, along with the reasons I'm too mentally scattered to be any good to anyone tonight!

(...and Rob, I'm not falling into your trap. I won't be asking what it is that I owe you...)

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posted by Key on 12:44 AM | Comments (8)
» The Ultimate Attorney Index - Find An Attorney Here! links with: Georgia Tax Attorneys
» The Ultimate Attorney Index - Find An Attorney Here! links with: Georgia Tax Attorneys

July 07, 2004

Let's give Key some comments to welcome her back!

I've been posting up a storm over at my weblog, so I thought I'd put something up here so Key wouldn't think her place had been neglected in her absence.

I have a romantic streak a mile wide, something that I suspect Key and I share in common (although I'm not sure, because I haven't had the opportunity to meet her in person and "read" her), but neither of us posts much related to that part of ourselves. I don't write much about it because it's too close to home, too close to the source of a lot of pain and unhappiness in my life. Others, such as Rob (aka Acidman) let it all hang out, regardless of the consequences... I know that Rob was instrumental in Key starting to blog, among many others such as Donnie and Jim, and Rob definitely had an indirect influence upon my decision to write a public blog.

Back to my original topic, though. Is there any subject that's too close to home for you other people out there in blogworld that you don't write about? Leave comments, because inquiring minds want to know!!!!

(guest posted by Jack)

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posted by Jack on 04:52 PM | Comments (4) | Crazy Stuff

If we've lost our Key, does this mean we're locked out?

Our Key said she'd go to the ocean
Our Key said she'd be by the sea
Our Key said she'd go to the ocean
Oh where, oh where is our Key

Bring back, bring back, bring back our missing Key, our Key
Bring back, bring back, oh bring back our dear missing Key
Bring back, bring back, bring back our missing Key, our Key
Bring back, bring back, oh bring back our dear missing Key

(Damn, I can't carry a tune in a bucket... even one as simple as "My bonnie lies over the ocean".)

Key said she'd prescribed a six-day beach vacation for herself. Well, it's been six days, Key, where are you? We want you back (with pictures, I'd like to see the answer to what a blogger wears to the beach!!!).

I'm getting too tempted to cat-bomb Rob here... it's either that or post something political, but I don't want to mess up Key's house more than it's already been by her other "guests". Are there any suggestions for posts I can put here so Key can have some nice numbers on SiteMeter to come back to?

(posted by guest blogger Jack)

posted by Jack on 06:55 AM | Crazy Stuff

July 06, 2004

how rude!

I've never been treated so badly in the great state of Georgia in my life. People around Commerce get all froggy and bug-eyed if you go running down the street clad in a chain-draped leather outfit with crotchless panties. They get REALLY upset if you have a bunch of irate Jehovah's Witnesses chasing after you and speaking in tongues. Police get involved quickly. They wanted to arrest me.

If that sort of situation ever arises in YOUR life, you know... where you're running down the street in a chain-draped leather outfit and crotchless panties, with Jehova's Witnesses and COPS chasing after you, DO NOT do what I did. Jumping a fence, running through a back yard and snatching a sheet off a clothesline for a disguise WAS NOT a good idea.

I wrapped myself in the sheet and the Jehova's Witnesses left me alone, mistaking me for either Moses or Jesus. But the cops never quit coming, and they were joined by a whole lot of black people yelling something about the KKK. I realized that I was going to be KILLED, then ARRESTED.

I ditched the sheet and the leather outfit. I am crouched nekkid in the hollow of an oak tree now, feeling a lot like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. I want "my precious" ass out of here.

Key, I'm not coming back here. You people are crazier than I am.

(Posted by Acidman)

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posted by Key on 01:15 AM | Comments (1)
» Gut Rumbles links with: i promised

July 05, 2004

What's the proper beach wear for a blogger?

Jack here. I'm yet another guest poster here while Key is off recharging at the beach. Her other "friends" have trashed the place, but I'm not exactly sure I should be the one to clean up. I also have never met Key in person, but as Sam said below, she is my friend. I worry that she doesn't recognize what a good writer she is, but that's a topic for another post.

I think Key wanted me to put up something intelligent so that she wouldn't lose readers in her absence, but I don't want to drive her audience away with pedantic lecturing on how the politics spouted from both extreme wings is taking on the stench of three day old fish. I thought about putting up a photo of my cat to irritate Rob, but since Key did invite him over, I shouldn't be rude to him...

So... what to post about.... hmmmm...

Well, the mention of the beach and Key in the same breath does bring one question to mind (for a healthy, single male, anyway...): At the beach, does Key wear a bikini, a tank swimsuit, or a tankini? Inquiring minds want to know!!!! Unfortunately for us single guys, she's married, but based on her photo, I hope it's a bikini!!!!

Maybe we should have a poll for what she should wear. What's your vote?

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posted by Jack on 07:03 PM | Comments (2) | Crazy Stuff
» Random Fate links with: Guest posting

July 04, 2004

What Are Friends For?

Well, apparently I’m late. I’m not exactly sure what I missed, but this place is trashed. Judging by the notice on the front door, it looks like the cops have been here.

I picked up a bunch of Jehovah's Witness literature which was scattered all over the front yard, but I couldn’t get the panties out of the tree…too high. WTH is going on around here?

What are friends for?

I haven’t known Key since she started this blog. Never seen her…never spoken to her…nothing but electronic communications…yet she is my friend. These are amazing times we live in.

Wait a minute…there’s a mob of folks, all wearing sandals, gathering around the mailbox…Man, I don’t even wanna know what’s in there.

I’m outta here until things calm down a bit. I’ll check back after dark.

Posted by Sam

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posted by Key on 04:46 PM | Comments (0) | Crazy Stuff

she didn't tell me not to

Maybe I shouldn't have answered the door when the bell rang. Maybe I SHOULD have answered the door but NOT done it wearing that leather outfit with the chains down the front and the crotchless panties.

Key, you have Jehovah's Witness literature scattered all over your yard now and a bunch of people running down the road screaming. I hear sirens in the distance and I see blue lights flashing on the horizon. One of those religious pricks must have had a cell phone.

I believe that I should be going now...

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posted by Key on 01:14 PM | Comments (0)

the keys to key's

Yeah, she let me in again. Key, be sure to thoroughly wash and disinfect your feminine undergarments when you get back home. Velociman has been here and he made a real mess out of some of your bras and panties, that perverted bastard. "Mr. Pink" is missing, too.

Let's see... what do I like about Key Monroe? She's tall and blonde, but not a dingbat. She has a nice rack is well-porportioned. She is articulate, smart-mouthed, stubborn and she has a nice rack ain't afraid of people such as me and Velociman. She dances with danger.

I admire those qualities in a woman. I ALSO admire this leather outfit with the chains down the front and the crotchless panties. Velociman must have missed that when he was rummaging through the bedroom, or he woulda worn the thing home. Shoulda checked the back of the closet, pervert!

Hey! It fits ME!

(Guest-blogged by Acidman)

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posted by Key on 12:56 PM | Comments (1)

Key is a Fool!

for giving me the uh, keys. Perhaps fool is too strong a word. Overly trusting? Yes. Betrayed by her own sense of decency? Yes, yes.

I promise not to trash the Keyhole while here, in contravention of my normal activities when given the password to another's site. In fact, I'm going to prevent any mayhem from Acidman by scooping up all the dainty underthings and securing them where that twisted fiend can't find them. Right. Here. Yes.

This place smells nice. Much nicer than the Velocihovel, which reeks of mansweat, asparagus, and old chicken blood.

So: what do we want to talk about? How about a nice game of Ask Velociman? You can ask me questions pertaining to your most intimate, painful issues, and I can respond!

Trust me: I have a degree in Behavioral Science, and have counseled Very Important People. Nixon? He was going to the mattresses with Tommy guns when I suggested he could have more fun walking the beach at San Clemente in black socks and wingtips. Boris Yeltsin was in a vodka fugue until I suggested he scale a tank whilst performing a primitive version of the Macarena. I gots chops. Just ask me.

Posted by Guest Booger Velociman

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posted by Key on 01:58 AM | Comments (3)