November 30, 2004
What Smells Like Old Lady?
Nice.
That is only the question that my husband has asked me 15 times today.
"Do you have on a different cologne?" he demanded.
"No," I answer, "No cologne, no lotions, but I did bathe this morning."
He picked up the Victoria Secret catalogue that I was thumbing through, and gave it a good whiff, as to find to find the source of the offending aroma.
"Look, if you want to borrow my catalogue, just say so." (Of course I smirked when I said that.)
"No, not this," he said putting it down, only after indulging in a few ooohs and aaaahs over the sequin laden lingerie.
"Smell my hair."
"What?"
"Smell my hair," I instructed, "I used a different shampoo and conditioner this morning." (...which is almost always the case, as I have a few dozen in the shower.)
He obliged. "OHHH YEAH! That's it? What is that, it's awful!"
He has since given my desk - yes, we work together - a wide berth every time he's cut across the office.
So, what did I use? Dove shampoo. Dove conditioner. Didn't even mix and match today!
I think I look and smell radiant, personally. But there you have it, one man's cosmetic critique of the day.
Show Comments »
I love Dove Bars, but I didn't realize the made shampoo and conditioner. I need to get out more.
posted by
Sam on November 30, 2004 08:12 PM
Love the stuff. Have been using it for a couple of months now.
posted by
Chelle on November 30, 2004 10:19 PM
I was going to say Velociman smells like old lady, but I gave them up for Ramadan.
posted by
Velociman on November 30, 2004 10:31 PM
At least he noticed!!! Hell, mine asked me if I was going to comb my hair before we left,,,I'd just got done doing my hair! Whatever,,,,,
posted by
Michele on December 1, 2004 05:23 PM
Phew..thanks for letting me know. I had a coupon for both of them and was going to try it out. I'm still unclear as to what an old lady should smell like though.
posted by
Moogie on December 1, 2004 05:52 PM
You look and smell so nice, you don't need anything, ever, take care, Cat.
posted by
Catfish on December 1, 2004 09:41 PM
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Yet Another Rant
Because I'm STILL in the mood for effective bitching.
This one patiently describes the DIFFERENCE between legal and ILLEGAL immigration.
(Plucked out of the Evil archives.)
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posted by Key on
03:38 PM
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Comments (0)
November 29, 2004
Still Rant Hunting
This time I have found an ACLU rant.
Very nice.
Two points, which can IN NO WAY be tied together.
One is disclosure. You see, my cousin is a college asst. professor. She is also the faculty director of the Gay/Straight alliance on her college campus. She is also a Republican.
She is an absolute freak (multitude of stories there), and I love her. And I like the message that she is trying to send which is, Helloooo, you CAN be gay AND a Republican! You realize that, right?
Having made that acknowledgement, for my second point, I must now highlight a paragraph out of Pam's rant which I just adore:
I’m so sick of homosexuals defining themselves by the fact that they have sex with people of their own gender, and proclaim it constantly, like we’re interested. Are they not mothers and fathers and CEOs and waitresses and Jewish and Catholic and shoppers and bloggers…? Being homosexual can’t possibly be the only thing by which they define themselves - so why does it feel like it to ME?
I've wondered that, and I know not "all" are so outspoken, but those who are certainly do not mind speaking their piece and then some, and admittedly, there are those within any group I suppose.
My cousin would likely fall on the side of the Gay/Straight Alliance, and although I get that, I'm also feelin' Pam on this. Really, shouldn't there be a limit as to how much "crap" can be forced into our heads in college? I didn't have the option for Creation based Geology 101. I had to regurgitate what I was told to regurgitate, however many billion years it was at the time. So I get what Pam is saying regarding the force feeding. It's cool as long as it ain't Christian.
Main point? Another double standard. I just HATE those.
(What, that's surprising? This is the ACLU. I know that....still pisses me off.)
Show Comments »
One night I was at dinner with a good friend/co-worker and (egads) a customer. After a few drinks the customer brought up something about homosexuality, which, I don't even recall what it was. What I DO remember is the look upon my friend's face when, after letting rip with a rant very similar to that of your friend, I turned to the customer and said "I don't get it. It would be like my friend describing herself, not as a daughter, a friend, a salesperson, or a blonde, but as her sexual preference alone."
"It would be like her (my friend) introducing herself to everyone as 'Hi. I'm Lisa doggie-style!'"
Damn. I still get a giggle out of that one.
posted by
jmflynny on November 29, 2004 10:56 PM
Lisa's a doggie-style? Excellent! She always had that, you know, look about her.
BTW, who's Lisa?
posted by
Velociman on November 29, 2004 11:19 PM
How would you know if someone were gay if they didn't tell you? If you're not actively looking, the only gay people that you'd notice would be the over-the-top ones (just as--if heterosexuality weren't the standard assumption and if it weren't for the more subtle evidence of children--the only straight people you'd notice would be those being flamboyantly so at bars).
Here in the San Francisco Bay Area, most of the gay folks I know are incredibly low-key about it (after all, if someone around here screamed that they were gay, they'd generally get shrugs).
I'd have to go with your cousin on this. I generally tend to prefer an "as long as you don't do things in the street and frighten the horses, it's none of the law's business" approach. In this case, though, Boyd County went somewhat beyond the pale. The chronology goes something like this: some Boyd students attempted to form a GSA. They were repeatedly refused. They went to the ACLU for legal help. The ACLU pointed out to them that refusing to allow a GSA while allowing many other clubs violates the Equal Access Act. Rather than back down and allow the GSA to form, Boyd proceeded to ban all clubs.
It was in the face of that history that the ACLU won its case. That doesn't strike me as terribly surprising.
posted by
The Polite Liberal on November 30, 2004 12:21 AM
I once worked with a very open lesbian who said: "Why should I be defined by something that I am lucky to do for an hour maybe once a month?"
Why, indeed! Unless you are a full time nympho with a smorgasboard of willing flesh, sex is Not what we spend most of our time doing (unfortunately) so why is it blown up into such a defining quality?
Perhaps it is because we spend so much time thinking about it, plotting it, wanting it, that it seems far more prevalent than it is; or am I just missing something? (No, not again!)
Werbinox
posted by
werbinox on November 30, 2004 01:19 AM
For a moment I thought I was in real trouble... :D
You know how it is; you start ranting and pretty soon stuff from kindergarten is coming up and you know you've lost the thread of the whole deal... ;)
posted by
pam on November 30, 2004 07:41 AM
lol, Pam, that's why it's called a rant!
For my polite lib, I must be more specific in that I certainly am not against the existence of a GSA, but I do have a problem with the force-feeding of their educational materials to 100% of the student body as a campus requirement! (I sorta skipped that part, but Pam covered it.)
To my other commenters, I must thank you for your thoughts on being defined sexually (:D); I think there may be another post there...
posted by
Key on November 30, 2004 07:53 AM
Correct me if I'm wrong, but the inclusion of that material in the curriculum was part of a settlement, not a court order. Isn't Boyd County playing fast and loose with the terms of their agreement if they then make it optional?
Students are forced to do everything in high school, in the sense that if you (for example) refuse to attend a class, you're marked truant and might have to serve detention. Why is it unreasonable to insist that Boyd county adhere to the terms of a settlement that they agreed to? Why should this material be treated differently from (for example) the science lessons you mentioned?
posted by
The Polite Liberal on November 30, 2004 12:52 PM
I resented those Science lessons!
We pay for our education; why can't we CHOOSE our curriculum?
There should be Creation-based Science offered AND Evolution-based Science offered.(After all, they are BOTH theories, right?) How many classes of each? Let the demand govern that. This is freedom, no? Capitalism, freedom...all that good stuff.
Students should never walk away from their education experience RESENTING something that was involuntarily crammed down their throat. That is wrong.
Just as we have the freedom to govern what is downloaded onto our computers, we should have the right to filter what is forced into our heads.
posted by
Key on November 30, 2004 02:31 PM
Creation-based theories are explicitly NOT science; that's the entire problem.
The entire idea of science is that you agree to disregard theories that--while they certainly might be true--are nonfalsifiable. For example (to take a typical philosophical point) it's possible that everything was created a few seconds ago, and we were provided by our Creator with memories that appear to stretch back beyond the point of creation. There's nothing implausible about this, but since there's absolutely no way to prove otherwise, when you're doing science you agree not to pursue it.
The theory of natural-selection driven evolution _is_ in principle disprovable, precisely becuase it makes any number of predictions that can be compared against reality. This makes it a useful framework as well--you can use it to try to understand the emergence of drug-resistant germs, or of pesticide-resistant insects.
By constrast, from the point of view of science (as opposed to religion, or philosophy) creation-based theores are neither disprovable or useful. They make no predictions that can be tested against reality.
Why were you forced to learn these things in high school? I can think of two obvious reasons. First, one of the basic philosophies of K-12 education is that you should not spend the rest of your life trapped by decisions that you made when you were 15. That's why I had to sit through (as I saw it then) "useless" English classes (I later got a job writing for a magazine, and appreciated the classes!) Secondly, to make sure that you can make informed decisions about public policy questions (for example, about immunization programs).
As to the more general point of why you were forced to attend classes you weren't interested in, when you were "paying for it"--you weren't (at least not individually). Schools are financed by general taxes, levied on everyone--not just on parents. I've been paying for schools for the ten years since I left college, and my son won't use them for another three. If you want to have total choice, you're of course welcome to pay for a private school--then you would be paying the total cost yourself. If you want to use the publicly subsidized system, then you're giving up a certain freedom of choice.
From the sounds of things, you did a fine job of filtering what went into your head. It's the school's responsibility to present you with the information; what you choose to do with it is your own lookout.
posted by
The Polite Liberal on November 30, 2004 04:08 PM
Tolerance is paramount in discussions of homosexuality, however even Darwinians should admit that total embrace of homosexuality leads to the extermination of a species, by the very nature of the absence, or diminishing, of procreation. This makes it an anti-evolutionary construct, and against the laws of what we call, for lack of a better word, nature. In nature, the gay bird does not evolve. It dies off. Our tolerance of gays speaks to tolerance, for sure, but it is a very anti-Darwinian, anti-evolutionary tolerance.
posted by
Velociman on November 30, 2004 10:38 PM
Velociman, several problems with that post:
First of all, evolutionary theory is a construct designed to explain a broad array of facts about current species. It certainly isn't meant to be a guide to human behavior (despite the nineteenth-century rantings of the Social Darwinists).
Secondly, whether homosexuality is dangerous to the survival of a species depends on (a) its prevelance and (b) whether heterosexual couples have enough children to compensate for non-breeding humans. Since homosexuality seems to be relatively rare (even the highest estimates don't clear 10%) and since the population of the world has cleared 6 billion, I don't think we need worry overmuch over our survival. (I mean, I've never had the slightest inclination towards homosexuality, and I imagine most other people haven't either. It's not as though every single person on earth would suddenly abandon heterosexuality if homosexuality were suddenly made completely acceptable!)
Your comment that "In nature, a gay bird does not evolve" is silly; species evolve, not individual members of that species. In nature, a gay bird produces no further generations, leaving more resources for the chicks of non-gay birds of the same species!
I simply don't understand the supposed threat of homosexuality.
posted by
The Polite Liberal on December 1, 2004 06:29 PM
I merely meant that embrasure, as opposed to tolerance, of gay culture (not merely gays)is antithetical to survival of a species. A significant cohort of gays dismiss straights as "breeders", and eschew parenthood in general and children in particular. The nurturing of children is negligible in the gay male culture, therefore that is a dangerous culture to mainstream. It's an academic discussion, anyway. The 1.2 birthrate among western Europeans is in itself enough to kill them off. Perhaps they don't like to be called breeders. But in 40 or 50 years, when sharia is introduced, no one will be discussing the tolerance versus embrasure argument, anyway. The lopping of heads of gays will see to that.
posted by
Velociman on December 1, 2004 08:28 PM
I'll admit I sort of wonder about the people who have to cover themselves in rainbows and pink triangles and make sure everyone in the whole bloody world knows they're gay. But as for specifying it as part of who you are--being straight is as much a part of who you are as being gay is. But you never have to specify it (unless you've wandered past the lavendar line on Bourbon Street, in which case the standard has changed for a few blocks), because it's the default. Unless you're really flaming, it's assumed you're straight. So why bother mentioning it?
However, if you're homosexual, and you don't flame (especially if you're a lesbian with long hair who wears skirts and jewelry), then no one will know. Which is fine most of the time, if not preferable. But how are you going to meet someone of like inclination if no one else knows?
I sort of have a problem with fitting into stereotypes. Pagan. Personal Chef. Long-hair, skirt-wearing, jewelry-wearing, conservationsist without being environmentalist, vampire-liking without wearing tons of black, libertarian...and lesbian. I've actually been accused of jamming people's gay-dar (which I don't think exists, but that's a different point). So I was given this cute little pendant, which is two female symbols linked together. I don't wear it to work (I cook for people. All they need to know about me is my name, that I can cook what they want so well they won't want anything else, and where to send the check). Actually, I don't wear it much at all, unless I'm going out somewhere that I think I might meet someone compatible, and I don't want said someone to not bother thinking of me that way because they assume I'm straight.
But then, unlike some of the people who seem to feel the need to constantly declare their sexuality, I'm not looking for sex. I'm looking for a partner. Which means someone who is of a compatible sexuality, but more importantly, someone who is many other things as well.
posted by
Samira on December 3, 2004 05:34 PM
There is no great genius without some touch of madness.
posted by
penis enlargement on February 25, 2005 03:00 AM
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November 27, 2004
I've Contemplated Teenacide
So, the family went to Macon Thursday. Macon is the home of my husband's extended family, and Thanksgiving Day is one of two obligatory dates per year that our attendance is mandated.
So, we show. And, as usual, we are pampered by my husband's gracious aunt with way too much food, riddled with doll collection tales and wedding flower fiascos by the gay uncle, and tortured by indoor tackles from my nephew who doesn't know when to stop playing football.
Those prowling were actually more numerous than that, but I wasn't terribly threatened, as susceptible prey were equally ample in supply.
Unfortunately, my nephew, being the eldest of his cousins, quickly ran out of people willing to be pounced.
So, there I sat in my sweater, jeans, and heels, on the sofa, legs crossed, remote in hand, trying to interest my nephew in something on this sans satellite television before me.
He punched me in the shoulder. "Come on, tackle me. Give me your best shot. Come on. Come on..."
I cut him a look, then attempted to lure his focus to the screen, "Look...football!"
"Whatever, that's a crap game," he informed me, as he attempted to nudge me out of a sitting position with his foot.
"Would you stop?" I faked irritation, at the same time wishing I had been more appropriately attired for the task...and that there were less witnesses in the room.
He poked his foot in the area of my backside - quite firmly, "Ha!" he chided, "I got you in the jelly roll!"
It was a blur after that.
I hit him hard. I don't know who was more surprised...him, me, or everyone else in the room.
I grabbed him in the mid-section, forced him into a headlock, and rolled him off of the sofa and onto the floor, where I then pinned arms behind his back, while securing the rest of his skinny ass with the weight of my knee.
He was helplessly pinned.
"Say it," I demanded.
Laughter. Red-faced. No-way-in-hell-I'm-sayin-it, laughter.
His father put down the crossword puzzle for the first time all day, "We don't want you to break anything - better say uncle, son."
He didn't say it. Know what he did?
HE LET ONE RIP. All over me. Stink. Nasty-ass RUN from the room, STINK.
Nice. And you guys would have us believe that we don't fight fair.
Riiiiight....
Show Comments »
Would that classify as an attack using a Weapon of Mass Destruction? I thought poison gas attacks had been outlawed since World War I!!!!
(Come on, somebody had to be the one to say it...)
posted by
Jack on November 28, 2004 03:33 AM
Guys generally are impressed with each others' farts and take glory in being 'awarded' the worst of the worst prize. Sometimes you have to wonder about guys and their little contests!
posted by
Michele on November 28, 2004 09:46 AM
Like the bomb to Hiroshima.
It was all over in that second.
posted by
jmflynny on November 28, 2004 01:30 PM
If you could have anticipated this you could have pulled out your Bic and immolated the little pagan. Well, actually, that probably would have needed some gasoline as well, but again: anticipate.
posted by
Velociman on November 28, 2004 10:34 PM
Macon where? Macon, MO or GA? Coincidentally, I was at the inlaws in Macon, MO on Turkey Day, also a mandated appearance. No stinky nephews, though.
posted by
Nicole on November 29, 2004 01:43 PM
I guess you literally knocked the sh*t out of him.
posted by
RedNeck on November 29, 2004 03:21 PM
Hmmmm...."stinky", eh?
Now, was it a "short, sweet, purple" one?
Or a genuwine, clear-the-room, 3-days-dead skunker?
In any case, a severe knuckle-rub on his miserable skull would have been appropriate. So did you? Huh? Did you knuckle-rub his knuckle head?
posted by
Ward Gerlach on November 29, 2004 08:01 PM
LOL! Guess you don't have any girls do ya? Guys aren't the only one's that can let 'em rip. I'll send over my two girls to give you a sample. Oh, and my husband. God..this post was hysterical!
posted by
Moogie on November 29, 2004 08:17 PM
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posted by Key on
10:40 PM
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Comments (8)
»
The Brier Patch links with:
Cuttin' The Cheese
»
The LLama Butchers links with:
Well, It Was Fun While It Lasted
November 24, 2004
You Mean I Get The Day Off?
Really and truly?
I don't know how I suckered my way in to such an enviable role, but somehow I have managed to escape the duties of not only hosting, but having to bring anything of any great import as well!
I am absolutely purring. An appreciative person I am. Thank you family. (I won't call any of you dysfunctional again for at least 48 hours!)
Now, clearly, I could very well end up repaying the debt by hosting Christmas, but we won't be ruining my happy moment by going there...
I'm going home to make dessert.
Happy Thanksgiving Blogworld!
Show Comments »
The part where I send you 3 milligrams of key lime juice hops me up. But that is me.
posted by
Velociman on November 25, 2004 12:12 AM
Have fun, Key! Go forth, and become slightly rounder! (As is our basic task on Thanksgiving.)
Post the recipe you're using for desert, if it's any good! (As trade, I've posted a recipe for chopped liver over on my site).
posted by
The Polite Liberal on November 25, 2004 01:28 AM
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours, Key!
posted by
Christina on November 25, 2004 09:34 AM
dealing in silver.....
when i want so much to be gold.
come back key.
but don't take the car;
you'll
kill yourself.
posted by
cold beverage on November 26, 2004 11:11 PM
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posted by Key on
04:42 PM
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Comments (4)
November 23, 2004
Seeing is Believing?
So, if I saw a ghost, does that mean I have to believe in them?
I saw a special the other night on a mad-crazy, supa haunted house, much-much more haunted than the "typical" haunted house. This house had ghosts, demons, evil people-chasing mists, etc.
I've always watched these things with equal amounts of skepticism and foreboding, and that's only after I lost the battle for the remote.
People, why, but why would I want to believe in such things? I suppose I lack the masochistic recessive gene that allows its owner to achieve thrill through terror.
And yet, I'm in real estate.
Working at a well-connected real estate firm (as I did a few years ago) does have its perks. Like... when a foreclosure comes on the market, we kinda have first dibs.
It doesn't matter how spooky a house may look, the words "instant equity" can be absolutely blinding. So when I saw a ranch over a partial basement that was so grown over with vegetation that I could barely access the front door, I was elated.
There were holes in the walls, there were toilets and skylights in the yard, and it had been raining, sleeting, snowing, and all-purpose weathering into the middle of the Living Room. Perfect.
We spent over sixty grand. It took six months. I love this house. The inside is custom me. This was no longer spec, we had to move in.
But...we heard things about this house while we were fixing it up. Apparently, the man who lived here had left in a fit of rage because there was a warrant out for his arrest. By the time we acquired the house, he was in state prison. We don't know what the guy did, but there's plenty of speculation.
Suffice it to say that when we were ripping out cabinets and Polaroids splashed out onto the floor, I was afraid to turn them over. ...But I had to. Kids. All kids. Dressed kids, thank God. Kids playing.
As I said, we ended up moving in. I had worked too hard, put up with too many subs - who called me either "Legs" or "Hard-ass," typically the former unless we'd done any negotiating that day - and basically, I just loved what I'd done with the place, so here we are, here we stay.
Miss Priss was not thrilled. We had come from a rather large four bedroom two-story in Buford, and she had been spoiled. She had two rooms. One was a typical bedroom, and one was a playroom with toys and an indoor playset with a slide.
She only had one room now, and thus started the histrionics over the move. She couldn't sleep. She had bad dreams.
So, we made a dream-catcher together. Not that I believe or don't believe, but I believe in psychology, therefore I believed that if she believed, it might help.
There was just one episode that can't be explained away.
It was late for her, close to eleven, so she had been asleep for a couple of hours. In fact, we were getting ready for lights out over in the Master abode as well, when she came tearing into the room absolutely terrified.
"Mommy! Mommy! Someone was standing over my bed! They were shaking my bed! It was shaking! It was! There was somebody there!"
Well, I have to try to explain it away, right? Mommy can't freak. [Thou shalt not freak is in the rulebook just under Thou shalt not get sick, right?] So I intone, "Honey, it was just one of those dreams that seems really real. But daddy will check the doors and windows just in case."
Of course, she stayed with me that night, and amazingly, that was the end of it. No more dreams, no more bed-shaking.
I could have almost written the whole thing off, were it not for what I saw a few weeks later.
I got up in the middle of the night to do that annoying piddling thing that women do - use the restroom, take some aspirin, check the thermostat - and I'm, btw, incredibly talented in that I can do these things with minimal lighting.
Tasks accomplished, I made it back to bed. I wasn't yet fully reclined when I saw something out of the corner of my eye.
I sat right back up and jerked my head toward the door of my room. And I saw her. As plain and obvious as I've ever seen anything in my life, I saw a little girl walk all the way across my bedroom from one end to the other.
She never looked at me. She looked straight ahead the whole time.
Of course, there are no words to describe my state of mind at that moment. No words. Sorry. Wait, I have one! Denial!
But see, denial is difficult to substantiate given the fact that I could describe the girl down to the last detail. (She looked about nine, had straight brown hair, was a bit pale...)
So, yes, my spooked ass was ready to consider moving the next day, but how to bring this up to the husband...
Well, I danced around it, and finally told him what happened and asked him if there was any way that he could believe it. (I braced myself for skeptical condescension.)
"Yeah, I saw one too," he said. Before I could flay him for his sarcasm, he continued, and given the nervous presentation, it became evident that he was quite sincere, "In the last house. I saw her often. A little girl. The last time I saw her, she bit me on my hand..."
My mouth fell open, as even after my sighting, I couldn't believe what I was hearing, but he continued, "I even had bite marks the next day."
Two things came out of my mouth simultaneously, "WHY didn't you tell me??" and "...the LAST house?"
"The last house?"
Great. So much for moving.
We're still here. We don't bring it up anymore. I can't speak for the rest of them, but I haven't had a sighting in three years...
Show Comments »
Oh, stigmatized property truly sucks. My house in Memphis had a man who would waft through the great room out of the corner of your eye. Newbuild, but atop an Indian burial mound. This guy was in white man attire, however. Must have been the guy who brought the blankets slathered in smallpox.
posted by
Velociman on November 23, 2004 08:22 PM
That's some freaky shit. If you want my metaphysical opinion, it's your husband that's haunted, not your house. Since the spirit was able to fully manifest in his presence, real enough to chomp on him, he must be the epicenter of the parapsychological disturbance.
Maybe if you sold him and moved...?
posted by
Queenie on November 23, 2004 08:35 PM
I am an inbred assholio, but I'm going with Queenie here.
posted by
Velociman on November 23, 2004 10:32 PM
Key, it's called hysteria.
Once your subcouncious accepts the fact as true or even possible then it will start playing tricks on you, especially in the middle of the night when you are half awake.
In any case, we now keep dogs, three of them and a 45 in the night stand. The Dogs parapsychologocal antenna is much better than ours. Fuck a bunch o ghosts!
posted by
Jesse on November 24, 2004 06:23 AM
Okay guys, I'm a little late to the party. I'm sitting here in the dark playing on the computer and you just freaked me the sh*t out. Geez. The overactive imagination is already in hyper drive...
posted by
Christina on November 24, 2004 07:27 AM
I do believe in the spirit world, however I do not think that sightings, moving items, etc. are necessarily evil in nature. My wife and I both saw/sensed something in one house we inhabited. I actually felt protected/safe because of it!?!
"Who ya' going call?"
posted by
John on November 24, 2004 08:52 AM
Holy cripes! Now I can't get the hair on my arms to lay back down!!!!!
posted by
WarWagon on November 24, 2004 12:04 PM
Too bad he didn't say anything about it before you moved, or you could have done something about it. It's pretty simple, really, but too late now.
Just remember, if you ever decide to move into another house, after you have moved everything out of this house, scatter salt over the floor of the kitchen. Take a new broom (must be new), and sweep the floor, sweeping all of the salt and other dirt into a corner. Then leave the broom standing in the corner with the dirt.
Because it's a new broom, the entity will believe you are coming back to retrieve it and will stay with it. It will be there for the new tennants.
Hey, don't scoff. It works.
posted by
Mamamontezz on November 25, 2004 12:27 AM
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posted by
castingcouchteens on July 31, 2005 11:55 AM
hmm..this is quite interesting
posted by
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« Hide Comments
posted by Key on
08:07 PM
|
Comments (10)
»
Thunder And Roses links with:
I wanna believe
Cleaning House
You know, at times life could just use a friggin enema. Out with the old, in the new, so to speak.
Women, I think daily often stifle the urge to flee, as we dream of driving off and waving goodbye to all of the people in our lives who gave us a headache on that given day.
Of course we don't, because we love those people, but it's a thought.
Men, on the other hand... Well, I wonder about you guys.
The wife AND the girlfriend?
Show Comments »
Geez, I was just in Fairburn...
posted by
Velociman on November 23, 2004 07:03 PM
key, that guy is a loser. don't you know you should not make these off-base characterizations when it comes to the motivations of hard-working sudorific young men? If one is going to generalize about our predilictions, use your imagination. Toss in a Russian medical student and a bottle of Syrah under the desert stars.... then maybe we'd sail off for a while and leave our good intentions and fortitude in the dust.
Enticement is often rewarded and it sheds on souls susceptible to light.
posted by
cold beverage on November 23, 2004 07:32 PM
Thank you, my blogson, I have been enlightened.
Truly you do have a way with words. ; )
posted by
Key on November 23, 2004 08:10 PM
« Hide Comments
posted by Key on
02:07 PM
|
Comments (3)
November 22, 2004
Come On, Munuvians...
Lay on some hands.
Show Comments »
The last time a man of the cloth laid hands on me I morphed into a Catholic altar boy. A PREGNANT Catholic altar boy.
posted by
Velociman on November 22, 2004 09:02 PM
« Hide Comments
posted by Key on
08:08 PM
|
Comments (1)
November 21, 2004
Bible Study Etiquette
Some of you may have noticed that I am not the overly evangelistic type. Faith, yes...organized religion, well, I've been trying to develop a flavor for it for the past 30 years or so.
My minister is attempting to prod this process along. He informed me that a Sunday evening Bible study was to be organized in my humble town of Bumbledookie, and that my family was to attend.
Okay, fine.
Fortunately, we know the hosts anyway. They are builders, and we are in real estate, so we've worked together a good bit. They live in a beautiful home which has been professionally decorated. And it was immaculate.
Except...
I walked in with only my keys. I sought to find a place that I could lay them down that would be obvious enough for me to recall two hours later.
I chose the mantle in the Living Room where we held the study. I immediately noticed the shiny pair of sturdy hand cuffs slung atop the mantle between two glorious vases, each holding a three foot tall mass of synthetic foliage...but, of course, I said nothing to my host as he showed off his remote control fireplace.
The room filled. The Bible study ended, and as the social hour was winding up, I slid back toward the Living Room to grab the keys and make the exit.
But I just couldn't help myself.
"Phyllis," I yelled to my hostess - a good twenty feet away in the Kitchen - as I picked up the cuffs and allowed them to dangle, "you and Don left your cuffs on the mantle..."
In my defense, I did wait until the room was only inhabited by females. Still. One of them was her teenage daughter, who turned quite crimson, though the others did laugh. What else could they do?
So, I shut up then. Really? Yeah, right! I walked over to the group and chided, "that's okay, Phyllis, I know they must belong to one of the kids; the emergency release levers haven't been sawed off."
Have you ever seen people turn red? It's fascinating really.
I don't think I'm going to get asked back next week.
Show Comments »
Oh, Christianity. At least I acknowledge my cuffs are the work of the Beastmaster. The Beastmaster being, unfortunately and apparently, ME.
I'm proud of you, Key, for your sense of timeliness, and decorum. And I hope tonight's study was Matthew.
posted by
Velociman on November 21, 2004 11:05 PM
John 5, actually.
(Hey, at least I paid attention...)
posted by
Key on November 21, 2004 11:14 PM
That story is way too funny, Key!
posted by
zonker on November 22, 2004 12:29 PM
How do you know so much about handcuffs? Emergency release levers?
Whoa!
posted by
Sam on November 22, 2004 12:37 PM
Nothing wrong with games husband and wife play. If they want to cuff each other occasionally, I can't see any reason God would disapprove.
Of course, they probably shouldn't have left them on the mantle. :/
posted by
Michael on November 22, 2004 12:47 PM
I THOUGHT I was kidding. When she didn't immediately say, "Oh, those are my son's..." I thought OH SHIT!
Of course, I may have punctured the boil so to speak, in that had nothing been said and she realized their conspicuous location after the house had been vacated, would she not have been equally -if not more- mortified?
Perhaps, on that note, I can forgive myself.
posted by
Key on November 22, 2004 02:18 PM
I love how a well turned phrase can bring someone to their.. er... knees. What were the dadgum things doing on the mantle, anyway? They clearly belong in the kitchen. ;)
posted by
pam on November 22, 2004 06:23 PM
Punctured the boil?!? Was Job there?
posted by
Velociman on November 22, 2004 06:54 PM
I don't think the story is that funny. Everyone has their privacy. I think it was very rude of you to make any comments.
posted by
crystal on December 8, 2004 08:18 AM
« Hide Comments
posted by Key on
09:44 PM
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Comments (9)
November 20, 2004
Late Night, Early Morn
A couple of posts ago I mentioned Miss Priss being the victim of an on again, off again friendship...at the ripe 'ol age of 8. It would seem that one Miss Drama Queen has proclaimed herself most popular in the class, and therefore it is her job to play the part.
She has chosen Miss Priss and one Other Friend as her cronies, and she alternates between the two. One is befriended and one is mocked or isolated one week, then the next week she switches.
I know the girl. I know her mama. I LIKE her mama! This sucks. She's a normal kid in front of me.
Well....I decided it was high time to have Other Friend over, so that they could bond sans Drama Queen. Besides, I also figured that'd be the best way to get the whole story.
Other Friend confirmed the entire vicious cycle, looking pitiful as she described the days she is not spoken to, as punishment for various offenses, such as revealing the cost of Drama Queen's $8 sunglasses, after DQ had bragged to the class that she'd spent $100 on them.
She also said that Drama Queen had told the two of them that the three of them were just like the girls in Mean Girls.
Do I have to friggin home school my kid? Parents, don't let your little girls watch that damn movie! (Not at age 8 anyway...)
The sleepover was a success. These two get along beautifully. They stayed up too late, got up too early, and are currently outside in their pj's collecting bugs.
And amazingly enough, they've gotten more sleep than I have. My foster son chose a hell of a convenient time to pick up a projectile vomiting habit. That combined with an affinity for puking in bed, then rolling around in it, left me with the task of giving two baths (the last after midnight) and changing sheets twice. And now my joy is quarantine duty, even as I hope that this was only a reaction to some medicine I had just given him.
Gawd, I hope I don't send someone else's kid home with demon-possessed, head-spinning projectile vomiting...
Show Comments »
Key, don't get pissed, but I swear, I think this "mode" is gender related. I've got one with indoor plumbing, and one with outdoor plumbing and it seems that the one with indoor goes through this crap 'bout, well, most of the time. It's a woman thing. Outdoor plumbing gener could care less with stuff like that. You could call my boy a straight up asshole, and his reply would be, you're.just.jealous.
posted by
RedNeck on November 20, 2004 12:05 PM
No offense taken, Red. ; )
Yes we are more complicated. You think we LIKE it that way? We don't like it any more than you men like your beer bellies and receding hairlines!
Uggh. The drama sucks. Try having a no-nonsense personality, yet being stuck in a female body. It'd be almost comical if on outings, I weren't the one stuck in the kitchen listening to labor detail, while the husband gets to park his ass on the comfy leather and watch a 3rd and short interception in the red zone.
Getting stuck with age 8 soap opera detail...whew...whole nuther ballgame, give me the gruelling labor stories any day over this!
posted by
Key on November 20, 2004 09:19 PM
I would pay five dollars to get stuck in a female body. Unless, of course, they put the spray hose on me to unstick me. Sorry. Grew up with too many dogs.
posted by
Velociman on November 20, 2004 10:54 PM
Well, I could tell you a story about Steve who it seems is really Janet and loves being Janet and who, when she was Steve was hetero but now that she's Janet is homo (lesbian) but without the necessary plumbing changes. What we wind up with is a guy who takes hormone treatments to have little tiny breasts (swellings really), speaks in a falsetto, has really bad personal hygiene, always wears high heels and short skirts, still likes women and makes Klinger from MASH look like Marilyn Monroe.
Oh and did I mention "she" smells? I could go on but I'd like to keep my Zone bar down.
This is apropo of nothing I guess except one shouldn't whine about being stuck in a female body until you've walked a mile in Janet's shoes. ;-)
posted by
Jesse on November 21, 2004 07:48 AM
Wow...okay. But it's not like I'm TRYING to be a man, or anything. (Even with my height and broad shoulders, it would likely be an equally poor transformation.)
And I'm not even saying you guys have it easier in all categories, but you SURE AS HELL do in the social life area. And that's just fact.
posted by
Key on November 21, 2004 10:01 AM
I'd give 10 Vman.
posted by
RedNeck on November 21, 2004 03:27 PM
I remember well the cruel little tricks and games that girls play. And, I remember proudly the times that I stood my ground when they acted like little queens.
Just tell your daughter that, friends, even good friends, will come and go. The memory of standing up for herself, of holding her ground, will be with her forever.
posted by
jmflynny on November 21, 2004 05:25 PM
Right you are. Thanks for that. She's actually pretty good at that, for an eight year old.
But when she's hit by someone who claims to be her friend, she has to recover from the stun factor...and that can take a day or two or ten...
posted by
Key on November 21, 2004 10:55 PM
Yet another reason why I'm glad I have two boys and not two girls. I'd be SO out of my element :)
posted by
Chablis on November 22, 2004 05:53 AM
I am *so* glad I had a boy. I don't have to deal with any of that. I remember being a little shit myself in school, playing head games with the other girls. My mom always said "I hope you have 5 girls JUST LIKE YOU." Thank God I didn't.
My son is 15, and once in a great while he and a friend will have a disagreement. They go their separate ways for a while, and next thing you know my son asks me for a ride to go fishing with the friend he hasn't seen in a while. If only it could be that easy with girls. Good luck, it'll pass.
posted by
Alaska Kim on November 22, 2004 01:13 PM
I beg to differ with Red on the gender specific-ness of this phenomenon. At least gender speaking; it does occur at a later age.
My youngest is 13 -- and within his circle of cronies, there is one "picked on" on a weekly basis. I admit, it's not as deadly to their friendship, but they pick on one another in nearly the same fashion -- one is on the outs at a time. Thus far, they've pared down the core group to between 3 and 5 members. Fortunately for me, my son is headstrong (I can't believe I said that) and he has friends in all of his school-related social groups.
If it weren't for the fact that their "leader" is a good kid (for the most part) I'd kibosh the whole thing. Eh. The best I can do is remind my boy that Group Mentality, while seductive, is not, generally speaking, right.
*sigh*
Wake me when both my boys are 25, mkay?
posted by
Margi on November 22, 2004 07:10 PM
I agree that the site is good, but cant people find better things to do.
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« Hide Comments
November 19, 2004
From the Inbox
No longer needed...
I know how to send an E-mail now.You don't have to help me anymore.
TO:MOM
FROM: [MISS PRISS]
Thanks for the email, honey. Nice, personal touch. Just don't give your email address out to anyone whose mommy I don't know, 'kay?
...One more area in which I am no longer needed. She's growing up, and I'm cool with that. (Pardon me while I sob.)
Show Comments »
Sounds like it's been a rough day...time for something a little stronger than coffee...
Enjoy your weekend.
;-)
posted by
Christina on November 19, 2004 05:20 PM
You may not be needed for email but take my word for it, what she'll need from you in the coming years won't be anything as simple as email.
Stay strong, stay steady, it will get rocky. But the rewards of making it past the coming years is seeing them all grown up, responsible beautiful adults, maybe even family's of their own.
I don't know how to describe it. Having them come over to hang out just because they want to spend time with me, to call just because they want to talk.
Then have a grandchild, wow, when I kiss his cheeks, cuddle with him, care for him as only a grandma can do, I have no words for the feeling. It's as close to heaven I think I can get on earth.
Oh, gosh, I'm getting mushy, sorry. I just love my family so much sometimes I can get carried away and just write and write and write...
posted by
BeeBee on November 19, 2004 07:44 PM
She's just hitting her stride. Now is the time you really have to be there. Technology comes easily to children, it is the emotional component that is so hard for them to assimilate. But I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. Have a good weep for another milepost passed, and look forward to the next one.
posted by
Velociman on November 19, 2004 08:11 PM
If only mine would resign themselves to being happy with sending email. I can rebuild a COMputer for them, and within 30 days, it's a turd. Slower then molasses in January and more infected with spyware and other crap then one could possible imagine. I try to unscrew it, but alas, it's screwed. AIM is your enemy. Don't go near it, and keep 'em away from it.
posted by
RedNeck on November 20, 2004 12:10 PM
Key: if she wants a lower mortgage rate or some really cheap prescription drugs, I know about some folks who might be willing to email her with some info... ;-)
RedNeck: Next time give them a cheap Linux box instead of a Windows box. They'll have net/email access without Internet Explorer, AIM or any of the malware magnets. Then have a Windows box that's not connected to the net so they can play games and whatever.
posted by
zonker on November 20, 2004 01:25 PM
Yeah Zonker, but then I'd have to listen to 'em bitch about not havin all that crap. It'd be easier on me to tell 'em to go to the library and chat with their friends, or heaven forbid, use the antique telephone thing...;)
posted by
RedNeck on November 21, 2004 03:30 PM
top.
posted by
online casinos on April 6, 2005 10:05 AM
« Hide Comments
posted by Key on
04:22 PM
|
Comments (7)
Mid-Afternoon Briefing
As I am currently attempting to regain control of my life after a mucoid demon possession lingering illness, I find myself a bit overdrugged overwhelmed as I take in the tasks before me.
In my compromised state, I have a confession to make. For uses other than enjoyable conversation, great sex, endless debating, keen biz sense, and kidlet entertaining, I'm pretty fucking useless. Not that I don't know how to do anything else, I just don't want to.
The first step is admitting it.
I feel better now. So, you will forgive me for taking months to update my blogroll, as this does not make the list of areas in which I excel. And if I inadvertantly left you off, you will send me a kind email ordering me into action. This I expect and appreciate.
Also, you will notice that guest blogging is not an area listed in which I excel. Now, I will not turn you down should you ask, but nor will I make any promises should I accept.
For example, in some instances it might take me a few days to come up with a kick ass post, and when one of your readers reacts by immediately screaming for your return, I might get insulted and do something drastic.
I'll let you know when I think of something.
Now...off to rub some right-wing discipline on it and accomplish the mundane tasks in this office before me...which also do not make the list.
(If you need me, I'll just be picking the salt out of my wounds.)
Show Comments »
Oh, yes, and I also won the war with the reverting template over the Eastern time zone. (I'm no longer sharing time with France.)
posted by
Key on November 19, 2004 03:53 PM
It was a kick-ass post Key!
It was just far too much for ISOU guy to handle...did you see his picture? Geez.
You rock!
Besides, I think ole' Jack will get a kick out of it...
;-)
posted by
Christina on November 19, 2004 05:19 PM
Thanks Christina. Much appreciated. We'll use the extra salt for the margaritas. ; )
posted by
Key on November 19, 2004 05:40 PM
Did someone say Margaritas ?
Oh, let the weekend begin now!
Key, wanna get sloshed with me?
posted by
ColdBeverage on November 19, 2004 06:11 PM
Sure...where do you live? Close enough to make it to the next meet I hope. ; )
posted by
Key on November 19, 2004 07:43 PM
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posted by
castingcouchteens on July 31, 2005 12:01 PM
« Hide Comments
posted by Key on
03:43 PM
|
Comments (7)
Oh Gawd Tell Me IT'S NOT SO!
I'm going to have to relive my teenage years, aren't I?
Yeah. Thought so.
Miss Priss is all of eight years old. EIGHT! Well, guess what?
Miss THANG had a bad day. I'm sympathetic. Seriously, I am. Her little I was your friend last week, but I'd rather make fun of your ass this week "friend" from school is about to get her ass beat.
So, we went out to my baby's favorite restaurant. I told her my playground horror stories, and what I wish I had said...had I had the nerve then that I do now. She laughed and awed, "Reeaallly?"
Progress, right? Wrong. That was merely the eye of the storm.
Homework was more difficult than usual. Foster brother was more annoying than usual. And mom wouldn't let her stay up late. (wata. bi. chiam.)
Sooooo, I just got finished staring at the wrong side of a slammed door.
What just happened?
This rate is kinda steep. Can I buy down the points? I'd like to get her age down from 8 and change to five even. (I'm sure as hell not ready for double digits.)
Show Comments »
Please allow my interjection here, as the father of two girls of similar age. Girls today are far more catty, and cliquish, and cruel, than what you experienced. I have these conversations every day with dispirited mothers. I went through it, too. I don't even begin to know what causes it, but the level of hatred young girls show each other is blasphemous. It starts at about 8 years of age, and if you're lucky your child is well-adjusted and has a few friends by tenth grade. Middle school is total hell. My older cried the whole time, my younger just punches them in the face. But she has bonding issues.
What is wrong with girls today? They should be sisters, and yet they hate each other. I'm completely confused here.
posted by
Velociman on November 19, 2004 03:33 AM
Velociman - Key, don't get me started. I am sooo glad that I have a boy, just because I don't have to go through the emotional train-wreck that is raising a little girl these days. Little girls were super-mean when I was younger, too, and I've got horror stories that would curl your hair. Even so, I think Kim is right in that today's girls are meaner.
My youngest stepson is 14. He has a girlfriend who is also 14, who has a Live Journal. He was using my computer the other night and left her page up; of course, responsible parent that I am, I bookmarked it for later examination and quietly closed the window on it.
When I read this child's journal that night, I was beyond shocked. Not by the explicit references to sex, drugs, and rock and roll - typical teenage posturing - but by how MEAN this girl was, and how much evil shit she and all her friends talked about this one girl in their class. It was like a whole website devoted to the concept that "Clara" is a fat smelly whore. It was revolting. I have no idea what my step-boy finds attractive in this girl, but you can believe we're going to have a little talk about civility.
I don't know what is up with girls. I am one, but I don't understand it, either. I wasn't that way, ever. Of course, that being the case, I barely emerged from middle school unscathed. ;)
posted by
kelley on November 19, 2004 03:47 AM
Thanks guys. I hate this. I would take the bullet for her if I could.
We just had this little brat over to the house last weekend, and this week she's decided my baby will be the victim of her drama. Last week it was the "other" friend. The rest of the class is insignificant. These two girls are the only ones worthy of her friendship, and every week she chooses one to befriend and one to ignore. She's tormenting both of them. I think it's high time the drama starter be the odd man out. I believe I'll be calling the mommy of the other victim to arrange a sleepover...
Oh yeah, so it has started. God, I hate it for her.
posted by
Key on November 19, 2004 04:24 AM
The beauty of the situation, my dear, is that your daughter will pick her own friends. She will pick a few losers, understandably, but year over year she will pick good friends.
Believe that, understand it. She will find the cool ones. After tears and angst.
posted by
Velociman on November 19, 2004 06:01 AM
Oh, Key, I really feel for you and Miss Priss.
Unfortunately, my 11-year old (almost 12) Sweet One has not been so sweet the past couple of weeks. Much to my disappointment, she has been the one alienating her former best little friend (a child I adore) and creating havoc. I remember how mean girls were when I was growing up, but our babies are starting this so much younger these days. I don't know how big a role hormones play in all this, either.
I have to agree with Kim, our daughters will eventually find their way.
I posted about this earlier this week (http://feistyrepartee.blogspot.com/2004/11/sins-of-mother.html) and am afraid my daughter is in for a very rude awakening. One she richly deserves at the moment.
Good luck,
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posted by Key on
02:51 AM
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Comments (8)
November 18, 2004
Another Family Moment
The mother of my angel, her Primal Purginess, has once again decided to grace blogworld with her brilliance.
Adulate her at once, for she has not only bestowed her blessing upon the new Veloci-key addition, she has posted pics of the little angel that she and I spawned together.
She has touched me in a deep way.
Show Comments »
May I touch you in a deep way? I think I'd like that. You might, too.
posted by
Acidman on November 18, 2004 07:59 PM
I am particularly proud of our new addition, Key. However, may I remind you that practice makes perfect? We may produce Rainman next time, but at least we will have tried.
posted by
Velociman on November 19, 2004 02:45 AM
Must be a planetary alignment issue. I think Uranus is horning in on my Venus.
But Vman, I am intrigued. Rainman, the blogger...could be interesting.
posted by
Key on November 19, 2004 03:22 AM
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time. Nancy Astor (1879 - 1964)
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posted by Key on
06:28 PM
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Comments (5)
Ode to Election 2004
+Hello Red state, Hello Blue state (A Letter From Camp, by Young Dave with fond acknowledgment to Allan Sherman)
Hello Red state, hello Blue state,
Some feel just fine, some don’t feel great.
Some own small caps, some own hi-tech,
One is making all-time highs and one’s a train wreck.
Some went voting for John Kerry.
‘Bout the future, they did worry.
Others voted for George Dubya.
Claiming he had been anointed from above, yeah.
Stem cell pros hate soccer mothers,
And the rest just hate the others.
We can’t seem to find a middle,
Where is Nero now? We need someone to fiddle.
The fear-mongers want to scare ya,
Does Al-Qaeda have malaria?
Is there someone stout and hardy.
With the stones to organize a new third party?
Where’s your dough, oh Red state, Blue state?
Where’s your dough? Division I hate,
Is it caused by the stock market, where
For some, it’s really been a bear?
Where’s your dough? Invested in the hot small caps?
Or hi-techs that have taken craps?
Has your wealth slipped away?
What’s happened with your 4-0-1-k?
Blue state dearest, Red state honey,
Does it just come down to money?
All your values, would you miss them?
If your broker’s brilliance made you want to kiss him?
Wait a minute, who are they hailing?
Not snowboarding, he’s not sailing.
Action hero, is that better?
Red state, Blue state, would you go for Schwarzenegger?!
Show Comments »
Thank you Young Dave, for once again gracing my humble blog with your creative genius!
(Does this mean I get to take the rest of the day off?)
posted by
Key on November 18, 2004 05:55 PM
Oh How Funny! I always loved Alan Sherman (and I'm old enough to remember him when he was on television).
Cute, Dave.
posted by
Mamamontezz on November 18, 2004 06:12 PM
Priceless, I hate to admit how old I am, but Allan Sherman isn't that much older. Can't believe Kerry thinks Bin Ladin bagged him, complete lack of introspect about his character flaws.
posted by
Jack on November 19, 2004 08:10 PM
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Thought I'd post my link here to the Ode to the Red State (http://www.webspawner.com/users/verseman/index.html) which I wrote this year along with the many other odes people were motivated to write this year. I believe my ode is the only posted ode specifically addressed to the Red State. I'm glad to see so many other folks standing up and being counted in recognizing the embryonic fascism sprouting up in American politics -- with much bolder rhetoric in some cases than mine. This country is really going to have to rediscover the courage of voting conscience along with having the ballot box. I'm confident the election will come that will cause "smiles to be real" again.
posted by
Peter Kautsky on September 15, 2005 06:00 PM
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posted by Young Dave on
05:00 PM
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Comments (5)
»
Mamamontezz's Mental Rumpus Room links with:
Hello Red State...
November 17, 2004
Naming the Daddies
I decided that my blogchildren need daddies. Link love is great from a mom, but nothing can replace the gentle prodding of a father figure.
My oldest was begat as a result of incest. He's gotten older now, outgrown his mom, and is threatening to turn his back on blogworld. That ungrateful punk. I think his daddy needs to kick his ass for making his mama cry.
My next little darling is plugging along quite nicely, and now that I've had the opportunity to watch him grow, I'm pretty certain who his daddy is. This would be Sam's work. Similar writing styles, even similar eyes...check it! (Sorry Sam, I was going to keep up the whole "godfaddah" front, but it's just too painfully obvious at this point.)
There is only one on the roll who would even consider fathering my liberal baby. So, Jack, smoke 'em if ya got 'em. This one's yours. (Honey, daddy's vacationing in Paris right now, but I'm sure he'll show you some link love as soon as he returns.)
Well, those are my boys.
But I really want a fourth, and I could use a girl this time. I got nuttin in the oven, so I went to the playground and blognapped the most adorable child I could find.
Queenie is still a newborn, but she found her way into this world without me. Still, if she'll have me, I'd like to claim her. The child doesn't hold back. She can be hot, cruel, articulate, cutting...but always LMAO entertaining. Velocigod, as I know how you love and adore the ranting capabilities of the fairer sex, I hope you will join me in my endeavor to raise this adorable child.
Okay, daddies...off ya go. Time to pay your child support. (I take cash, check, or money order, payable to K-e-y....kidding. Just show your babies some link love, 'kay?)
Show Comments »
Thank you, momma, for telling me who my daddy is, after all these long years. Daddy, can I have a pony?
I appreciate the sweet words, boo. You are far, far too kind to me.
posted by
Queenie on November 17, 2004 10:35 PM
You ain't MY daughter!!! You don't look a THING like me!!!
posted by
Acidman on November 17, 2004 10:43 PM
Whatevah, Blogfaddah... ; )
posted by
Key on November 17, 2004 10:47 PM
Already with the pony. Sure Bonnie Blue. See if you can jump yon hedge for Rhett Daddy.
posted by
Velociman on November 17, 2004 11:29 PM
Ooh, Daddy, that was cooold. Brr. Momma, does he just have a thing against bastard children, or is it something I said?
In the case of either, can Acidman be my daddy? Velocipater is cool and all, but...well, I need to be loved.
posted by
Queenie on November 17, 2004 11:57 PM
Running away from home already? We haven't even experienced corporal discipline yet. I'll show you the love.
posted by
Velociman on November 18, 2004 12:01 AM
He loves you honey. I'll beat his ass if he doesn't.
(Besides, I'm sure he's hoping you'll fare better than Bonnie Blue did that last time.)
posted by
Key on November 18, 2004 12:05 AM
I'm just a tough love Daddy.
posted by
Velociman on November 18, 2004 12:07 AM
Wow, a blogdaddy! Do I get to demand that he read books to me for long stretches, the way my kid does? (I'll wait until he gets back from France.) =-)
I'm sure if more links will help--I've got a bad feeling that my blog is demonstrating just why politics is usually discussed along with chair-throwing and lurid insults. When you take out the personal remarks, political arguments aren't nearly as much fun to read. ;-)
posted by
The Polite Liberal on November 18, 2004 06:29 AM
Key you always put a spring in me step. But your devoted son has a tendancy to get blown off course by the favonian zephyrs of the Pacific. I have a plan, but.... I need direction.
No spense accounts, or lunch discounts!
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My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. Henny Youngman (1906 - 1998)
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« Hide Comments
posted by Key on
07:45 PM
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Comments (27)
»
The Brier Patch links with:
Naming Names
»
Velociworld links with:
Unplanned Parenthood, I Called It
»
Primal Purge links with:
Don't disappoint me... hit her hard
»
Straight White Guy links with:
Judgment Day
»
Ellis Island links with:
We Need Queenie!
November 16, 2004
Go Lawren!
The girl is news! (Not only that, but she also has a really cool middle name.)
Show Comments »
posted by Key on
10:33 PM
|
Comments (2)
PMS Cookies
Anyone leaves any variation of the whole "moment on your lips" creed, gets their IPO shoved into their nether-nether-land. 'kay?
Okay! So let's make cookies!
First, go buy a 12 oz. bag of Nestle toll house morsels. Turn it over. Use the recipe on the back of the bag for toll house chocolate chip cookie dough. (No need to hold your hand through the boring part.)
Now, you've just begun.
After you've added your 2 cups of chocolate chips, follow with 3/4 cup chopped pecans and 3/4 cup Heath toffee bits. Good... You just put gasm in orgasmic.
Now. Ball the little gems up and stick on the cookie sheet. Garnish tops with M&M's. Hell yeah. Now, bake. Don't leave the room. Watch them.
When the edges are light brown, but the cookies still look raw, PULL OUT baby, you're done.
They'll solidify on the sheet. Mmmmm...
I can't believe I shared this intimate part of my life with you people.
Show Comments »
I can't believe it either, but I'm glad you did, just the same. Women folk do some crazy things sometimes. I think it has something to do with the moon lining up with Uranus. But who am I to judge? What color M&M's work best for you? And, what do you mean by "you people"?
posted by
Fightin Tiger on November 16, 2004 08:28 PM
Now, before you stick them in the oven, sprinkle just a little bit of regular old sugar on top of them. It crisps up and is really good. My sister also adds to hers a handfull of Reeces peanutbutter chips. This adds "Multiple" to the mix.
posted by
Mamamontezz on November 16, 2004 08:43 PM
Y'all be quiet...I'm starting to sweat.
posted by
Sam on November 16, 2004 11:28 PM
Yummy...but you actually go a step farther than I do....
I never make it to the "bake" part.
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Tammi on November 17, 2004 01:55 PM
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posted by
jen on July 5, 2005 06:29 PM
« Hide Comments
posted by Key on
05:35 PM
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Comments (6)
Diabetes Testing Supplies
I'm googling if I ever have a need.
But apparently I'm a freak. Studies have shown that most people who are in the market actually respond almost exclusively to the oatmeal guy riding in on a horse with a western backdrop.
Go figure.
Show Comments »
WIlford Brimley is the Antichrist. Although he was pretty good in Absence of Malice. Of course, Satan rocked in the wilderness, proving my theorem that talent and evil often go hand in hand.
posted by
Velociman on November 16, 2004 11:53 PM
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posted by Key on
05:17 PM
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Comments (2)
Online at Home
And? Those of you who don't know me are thinking. ABOUT FUCKING TIME! Those of you who do know me are screaming to the tops of your lungs.
I've been paying for this shitty ass dial-up service since September, so I thought I might as well hook it up to this shitty ass computer with the sticking space bar and the retarded mouse with an inverted ball.
And let it be known that this sucks.
But I'm out there, and the Blogfaddah - no I'm not going to link your ass, I have to open another fucking window to do that...or (gasp) type it - just told me to get over myself...after all, he used dial-up for two years, walked uphill in the snow both ways, etc.
So, here I am baby. And when I am fully accustomed to living with this handicap, you will see more of me.
Show Comments »
Get AOL 9.0, if you don't have it already. Almost as fast as my cable. And welcome to the sordid world of the weekend bloggers.
posted by
Velociman on November 16, 2004 03:41 AM
Oh, but no...this is not intented to be the end of your supplemental blogging. Let us be clear on that issue. ; )
posted by
Key on November 16, 2004 03:59 AM
I am at your service.
posted by
Velociman on November 16, 2004 04:02 AM
I didn't remember how bad dial-up sucks until I had to go to Japan this summer. I feel your pain!!!
posted by
Michele on November 16, 2004 10:10 AM
I had a nephew once that had that "inverted ball" problem you're talkin' 'bout. He got it fixed at the hospital.
posted by
RedNeck on November 16, 2004 12:54 PM
Cry me a river. I was right and you were wrong. Admit it.
posted by
Acidman on November 16, 2004 05:08 PM
You were right.
(See, I don't have the same affliction that you do. I can admit shit like that. : D)
posted by
Key on November 16, 2004 05:54 PM
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« Hide Comments
posted by Key on
03:16 AM
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Comments (9)
November 15, 2004
Thanks Fellas
If only I had more time to play on the internet...If only I could get DSL at home, I would no doubt devote each and every weekend to this noble sport.
Alas...as this is not the case, I sincerely thank Velocimaster and my Mystery Guest Blogger for keeping my lonely blog company over the weekend.
Perhaps, should they choose to continue the trend, they can prevent my weekend hits from plunging into the teens, thereby screwing up my averages in the days to follow...at least that would be my line of thinking were I a hit-counter, which I'm not...not that there's anything wrong with that.
MGB, I laughed and I cried. Truly no one has ever dedicated such a tribute on my behalf. But don't think that I don't get your aim. You mean to inflate the expectations of those who have not yet met me, no? Yeah, that's the ticket. Then, when they do meet me, the disappointment will be tangible.
Shrewd. Still, next time I'm right and you are so terribly wrong, I will go easy on you. You've earned that much. Maybe I'll even let you win one.
But, in the effort of honesty, I must set the record straight. This is what I look like. Not only that, but my skin and my tan have run off together. I need new ones.
Also, I will be giving up the following things for Lent:
caffeine, alcohol, sprouts, half-rubber, toking, rolling, geeking, flirting, exercising, and swallowing.
The last two are stellar sacrifices on my part, therefore I see no reason to further torture myself by giving up my chocolate...nor my boy toys.
(Understand that this list is preliminary. I still have a few months to tweak out the kinks.)
Show Comments »
Hi! I came over from SWG, after reading your comment on the goat...warped curiousity lead me to wanting to read more about the dysfunctional family :) Anyway...I wanted to say hello as I peruse! :)
posted by
Sheilah on November 15, 2004 09:52 PM
Oh, you like a good train wreck?? I'll see what I can do. (Surely I can come up with something that I can divulge...)
posted by
Key on November 15, 2004 09:58 PM
You would give up half-rubber for Lent? That would be a sin of the first magnitude. Your call, just saying I'm sitting at least three lightning bolts away from you when you do.
posted by
Velociman on November 16, 2004 12:21 AM
WHATEVER you do...don't give up the sprouts!!!
Damn!
posted by
Sam on November 16, 2004 01:36 AM
Dang. Whose ass does a girl have to kiss to get signed up for that kind of guest-blogging service, anyway...? That was great!
As for Lent, my dear...I'd leave it at sprouts and geeking and call it a day. Everything else (what is this Half-Rub-ber of which you speak??) is too elemental to live without...
posted by
Queenie on November 16, 2004 03:03 AM
Queenie, I would ask for your keys so that we could all invade your site, but you are kicking ass over there! Why mess with perfection??
Velocigod, I have been humbled. Please do not smite me. I will half your rubber anytime. ; )
posted by
Key on November 16, 2004 04:08 AM
If you're planning on tweaking your list, you'll need to either take caffeine off of your list, or admit that you'll have to give up chocolate, since it contains caffeine.
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« Hide Comments
posted by Key on
08:19 PM
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Comments (8)
November 14, 2004
key review
I have decided to write a review of Key Monroe, the way I would review a book, a movie, a Shiner beer, a new restaurant or a blow-job that I paid good money for anything else worthy of reviewing. I'm not reviewing the blog. I'm reviewing the PERSON.
Key is a stunningly good-looking woman. She turns heads when she walks into a room, and I ain't talking about just the big heads, either. Key is tall (and she sometimes wears platform shoes to ADD to her altitude, just intimidate short, sawed-off fucks such as Acidman), with long, Clairol's Best semi-blonde hair and a dazzling smile. Her voice is melodic, but not nearly as Southern as I would expect from someone from her part of Georgia. She is a serial flirt and damn good at it.
She just turned 30 years old. She was depressed by that thought, which made me chuckle because I know that she ain't even ripe yet. Key at 30 is pretty impressive. Key at 35 will be AWESOME. Trust me. I know these things.
Key likes to argue. SHE calls it "a debate," but it's an argument, pure and simple. She also has an annoying habit of stopping an argument by suddenly declaring victory, announcing "I am right and you are wrong. Admit it." and then gloating over her "victory." She likes to rub it in even when she doesn't win.
Key can hit a half-rubber, too. She swings a mighty broomstick and watching her in action persuaded me to grant her "victory" any time she wants it in an argument, lest she take a brookstick to my Cracker ass and lay welts on me like worms. I'll piss her off by being a smart-ass now and then, but I don't think I ever want to make her really mad at me. That could hurt.
The sorry-ass doesn't blog enough, and I don't buy her "work" and "no home computer" excuses for running a lonely page. She's just lazy. Anybody who can talk non-stop the way SHE can has no excuse for not posting DOZENS of times every day.
Take THAT, Key. I am right and you are wrong. Admit it.
She also has a very disgusting attraction to cats. About the only time she'll STOP talking on the phone is to hold a cat up to the receiver so that you can hear it purr, when she KNOWS that you hate cats. Yeah, she does shit like that.
But she's a Bulldawg fan, and that washes away a multitude of sins in my book. She can't hold any liquor, but that's not bad because it makes her a cheap drunk. A couple of glasses of wine, and she's tanked. That leaves all the good shit at the bar for the pros to consume.
Yeah, Key is all right. I give her Four Stars.
(mystery guest-blogger)
Show Comments »
I give Key five stars. Which is essential because I apparently got drunk and let slip the blogkeys.
A stunning woman, indeed. Makes me whimper, which is actually a good thing.
Sorry, Key. I'll run this ruffian off. All the way back to the Crackerbox.
posted by
Velociman on November 15, 2004 01:21 AM
That is one stunning woman. I booshit you not.
posted by
Jim - PRS on November 15, 2004 02:02 AM
That *was* Acidman, wasn't it?
posted by
zonker on November 15, 2004 05:28 AM
Why are you people accusing ME of writing that post? Do you think I would actually say something NICE about a woman who towers a full head above me? And thinks she's always RIGHT?
Bullshit. I think the Grouchy Old Cripple wrote it, trying to imitate me again.
posted by
Acidman on November 15, 2004 12:55 PM
I think you wrote it because - in your eyes, at least - it took her too long to decide that you had the "purtiest damn toes" at Blawgtoberfest. Now that we've established a motive...
posted by
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relacore on November 3, 2005 08:47 PM
« Hide Comments
posted by Key on
11:06 PM
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Comments (8)
»
Gut Rumbles links with:
groundless accusations
November 13, 2004
Revolver
I occasionally thumb through my vinyl records, looking for the odd album I haven't heard in years. Today? Hocus Pocus, by Focus. Yodelling! Thankfully I just put a new drive belt on the Yamaha turntable, and I am able to confirm for the chirren what a real geek the Old Man really is.
Yodelling! Somewhere I have some Lawence Welk accordion music, but one must break in the kids gradually. Come yodel with me to the mesmerizing stylings of Focus, people. And may I be banned from this site forever.
Show Comments »
Please tell me you don't have any Slim Whitman albums...
posted by
Evilwhiteguy on November 14, 2004 07:31 AM
Dear Key:
Some years back, before I became Legitimate, I was in a band, played bars, and actually worked for a time for a local radio station. (twenty years later, I did a volunteer New Age/Ambient radio show called "New Vistas in Music", but that doesn't count as "back in the day").
We did an informal station-poll about the Top Ten Worst Rock Tunes Of All Time.
Hocus Pocus by "Focus" was literally the undiscussed pick for #1. Why?
1. Bad Acid Guitar. The Dutch make great cheese; run a damn fine country where nearly eveyone is educated and employed, and they're hellaciously Libertarian. What they can't do is make rock music like us good ol' Amurrican boys.
2. Harmonica. Yes. Harmonica. It's not Bob Dylan, either, folks.
3. Bad; bad lyrics. Atrocious.
4. Accordion. Believe it.
5. Yodeling (as you said). YODELING!!!!
We concluded that this song had it ALL. Every qualification for BAD ROCK -- this beats EVERYTHING.
Some time, I'll write with the Other Nine when there's an appropriate post.
Meantime -- enjoy that vinyl!!!
Best,
-Will
posted by
Will on November 14, 2004 03:55 PM
Will,
You give me far too much credit! The last vinyl I owned was "Music Machine." I was eight! That would be the almighty Velocigod shining his love upon my lonely site, as I am forced to remain offline on the weekends.
And Velociman, honey, if I didn't ban your ass after posting that "half rubber uniform", I ain't banning it, so enjoy your free reign.
posted by
Key on November 14, 2004 09:50 PM
Dear Key:
Shoot me, I didn't read the fine print. I will, however, honor my pledge and post the Whole Damn List someday soon if you're amenable. Funny as hell.
Cheers!
-Will
posted by
Will on November 15, 2004 05:30 PM
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« Hide Comments
posted by Velociman on
07:22 PM
|
Comments (5)
November 12, 2004
Kiss 'n Tackle
Hey, it beats spin the bottle, and even half-rubber for that matter. People, this is genuine entertainment.
At age 13, there was no better sport in the world than a good 'ol round of kiss and tackle.
For those of you who never played, the set up is similar to duck-duck-goose...circle of people with one in the middle. And yeah, the one in the middle lost the last round, so to speak.
The boys are assigned numbers, the girls letters, then a bingo-sounding combination is called, like G-7. Now. Who chases who depends on who lost the last round. So let's say that last time's loser, and therefore this time's occupant of the center chair, is a female.
Let the games begin. The next two players are getting ready to run. HE (7) wins by getting to the female in the center (home-base) and kissing her, which will prove to be an arduous journey. This is because SHE (G) wins by stopping him…tackling and laying one on him before he can get to her.
He loses, he’s in the middle, and when the next two are called, the guy gets to do the chasing.
People are slung, attacked, tripped, climbed upon, thrown onto innocent bystanders, held down, etc., all the while providing entertainment for the rest of the circle.
What doesn’t this game have? Huh? Challenge, intrigue, sex, violence... That’s what I’m talking ‘bout!
Where you say, did I ever engage in such a foul activity?
Duh... Church camp.
Show Comments »
Where the hell are you that it's 10:00PM already?
posted by
Evilwhiteguy on November 12, 2004 10:09 PM
My discriminating template doesn't like the taste of EST. I've set it, I've saved it...it reverts. (It is 5:12 by the clock on my computer.)
posted by
Key on November 12, 2004 10:14 PM
Oh my God, Becky. We were so like commenting on each other's blogs at the same time!
posted by
Evilwhiteguy on November 12, 2004 10:24 PM
It's so much better when it's mutual, isn't it?
posted by
Key on November 12, 2004 10:25 PM
Yes it is. Excuse me, I'm going for a cigarette.
posted by
Evilwhiteguy on November 12, 2004 10:36 PM
When I was a kid, teenager, someone once gave me some good advice. "If you ever want to get laid, go to church." Gosh darn if they....
posted by
Sam on November 12, 2004 11:05 PM
I always preferred duck duck penis, but they banned that at Young Life meetings after I attempted to introduce it.
posted by
Velociman on November 12, 2004 11:46 PM
Reminds me of playing Sardines. And "Kiss the Pot Holder." *sigh* You're making me nostaligic.
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Omnibus Driver on November 15, 2004 10:01 PM
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« Hide Comments
posted by Key on
09:53 PM
|
Comments (9)
Peterson - Guilty!!!!!!!!!
Hell yeah. He'll be lucky if he gets death by needle.
Show Comments »
Yes!!!
Weigh him down, and toss his ass of the stern. Wave Bye Bye! Dirtbag.
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posted by
castingcouchteens on July 31, 2005 12:01 PM
« Hide Comments
posted by Key on
09:25 PM
|
Comments (3)
November 11, 2004
A New Liberal to Play With
So, last week I jumped into the lion's den with Felber's concession speech, which now has over 300 comments, and isn't pulling up on the direct link. (It can, however be accessed through November archives.)
For every right comment I wrote over there, I had three or more lefties coming back.
One of the three - liberal though he is - was thoughtful, polite, and even understanding in his debate. It was quitting time that day, so I had to head out, but I emailed him and thanked him for the intelligent debate. I even suggested that he should have his own blog, so that I could have somebody to play with.
He initially offered several excuses for not having one, but apparently he has come around. Ladies and gentlemen, without further adieu, I give you The Polite Liberal!
Please, don't everyone attack him at once...we have sooooo much time for that later. For now, just go by and say hi.
Show Comments »
What, was my bipolar left-wing/right-wing act giving you too much whiplash so that you needed to find an easier target?
:-P
posted by
Jack on November 11, 2004 08:01 PM
A blogmother. And certainly in a very short gestation period. Congratulations. Me, I don't know nothing about birthing no blogs.
posted by
Velociman on November 11, 2004 08:10 PM
Awww... your first newborn is a "Polite Liberal." A thalidamyde baby.
posted by
Acidman on November 11, 2004 10:53 PM
You done good Key, his first post is very well presented.
John
posted by
John on November 12, 2004 12:38 AM
Hey, he's not my first! Some grandpa you are, Acidman, you forgot all about Cold Beverage. Scroll Down...title "A Child is Born"...you even linked him!
And Jack, I thought you'd be proud of me. No worries, I'll have plenty left for you. ; )
posted by
Key on November 12, 2004 03:56 PM
So Key has birthed a liberal, what the hell happened at that blogfest anyway.
posted by
James Old Guy on November 12, 2004 07:29 PM
You should have aborted that one.
posted by
Geoffrey on November 12, 2004 11:37 PM
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« Hide Comments
posted by Key on
06:51 PM
|
Comments (8)
November 10, 2004
Dumping Bodies
As long as I'm venting about that which I can not control, I must applaud the Peterson defense team for successfully proving a negative.
Too bad the judge ruled the video inadmissible.
For those of you who missed it, Peterson couldn't have dumped the body using that little unstable boat, and it was proven by the defense team with a video reenactment.
Some guy fumbled around in the boat with a 150 pound dummy, flopping an ankle here, stumbling there, and successfully rocking the boat until it capsized.
They shoulda let it in. Seriously. THEN the prosecution should have countered with a video of someone ambling into the boat, and flopping out the stupid dummy end over end.
One more thought....so what if it capsized? Does that somehow preclude the action?
So he got wet. It is still conceivable that he capsized AND dumped the body!
Okay, no more news for a while. It's gonna give me an ulcer.
Show Comments »
Reminds me of an old saying (first read by me in a Heinlein book, but I doubt he came up with it):
Friends help you move, REAL friends help you move bodies.
posted by
Jack on November 10, 2004 09:19 PM
...and REALLY REALLY GOOD friends help you cover it up!
posted by
Sam on November 10, 2004 11:57 PM
Next will be the fishing glove that doesn't fit!
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Michele on November 11, 2004 12:24 AM
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California, need I say more.
posted by
James Old Guy on November 11, 2004 02:30 PM
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« Hide Comments
posted by Key on
08:39 PM
|
Comments (6)
And the STFU Award of the Day Goes to...
Surprise! Madonna...
She thinks we should just raise the white flag to the terrorists, and get the hell out of Iraq. Not that she gives a shit about the livelihood of our military personnel, but they might inadvertently - given their trigger happy hillbilly heritage - get blood thirsty and bomb thousands of innocents. And why fight terror anyway? It's everywhere; we may as well learn to live with it.
So I paraphrased that a bit, but read the article. It's there, and here's a direct quote regarding the election results:
"We have people who don't want to think, and who just want to guard what is theirs, and they're selfish and limited in their thinking and they're very fearful in their choices."
Yes, we do have those people, and you would be one of them, sweetheart.
Charity could be so easily privatized if the richest among us (celebs) put their money where their mouth is. They'd rather froth over about how the hard-working middle class should fork over funds for THINGS WE ARE MORALLY OPPOSED TO such as abortion. You want it so badly? Huh? Does it mean that much to you?
Good. You fund it.
Until then, shut up and sing.
Show Comments »
Madonna can't sing. She slutted her way to stardom, then moved to England to get out of the country that made her rich.
Yeah. I give a shit what she thinks.
posted by
Acidman on November 10, 2004 06:00 PM
I give a shit what a lot of people think, but then again, I'm not exposed to their sorry-assed opinions on national TV. Actors should act; singers should sing. She's not in business for her political wisdom, because she'd starve to death.
Given that, she needs to shut the fuck up.
(D'ye-ah, I got the rant in me today. ; D )
posted by
Key on November 10, 2004 06:10 PM
Even Acidman wouldn't do her.
posted by
James Old Guy on November 10, 2004 06:15 PM
I've got other, far more important things to worry about.
The best revenge for Madonna and those like her is to ignore them....
posted by
Jack on November 10, 2004 07:29 PM
Other things? Like taming my ass? That's a full time job, Jack. ; )
posted by
Key on November 10, 2004 07:40 PM
Taming your ass???
I wouldn't be dumb enough to try that... I'd just go along for the ride, and enjoy every minute of riding it...
Take that however you want!
posted by
Jack on November 10, 2004 09:11 PM
Poor misunderstood Madonna – she casts her pearls among the swine only to be trampled in the mud of history. Oh dear...
(Why in the hell would any rational person give a rats ass what Madonna thinks about anything???)
posted by
john on November 10, 2004 11:49 PM
I'm a polite man, and consider myself to be a gentleman,,,but she is a F()^%$G S(*T.
I feel better now.
posted by
Sam on November 11, 2004 12:00 AM
"Even Acidman wouldn't do her.
posted by James Old Guy"
Dang, she must be nasty!! Maybe she wants to "learn to live with terrorism" but I sure the hell don't!
posted by
Michele on November 11, 2004 12:29 AM
I didn't say I wouldn't DO her. Hell, yeah, I would. I am a swine.
I just don't give a shit about her political opinions.
posted by
Acidman on November 11, 2004 04:10 AM
She lives in London, has for HOW long, but did I hear that she's still a U.S. citizen and VOTES in our elections?
Every other word out of her now.oh.so.english.accent.mouth is London is wonderful but America is crap. That says something to me along the lines of:
Pick a country, b&^#@!
Sorry, she just gets under my skin.
posted by
pam on November 11, 2004 11:50 AM
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« Hide Comments
November 09, 2004
Slack!
Slack. Ass.
I'm sorry. I'm half-assed on the job due to the blog, and half-assed on the blog due to the job.
I WILL update my blogroll by the end of this week. I have so many to add, particularly my new blogmeet pals.
There's also a new addition who hasn't been added, not to mention a slew of you who I am likely forgetting. (Please don't be afraid to email me if you are a regular, and I still haven't added you. It is NOT intentional. And, in case it's not obvious...I'm linking love, not traffic here.)
One more that I haven't previously linked in a post, yet will definitely be adding to the roll is Queenie. I like a girl who tells it like it is, with a delicate balance of neither holding back, nor going overboard. (I am going to ASSUME -since the author has multiple blogs- that she is not regretting the fact that she linked ME on Inblognito. These might be empty calories over here, but, hey, I try to make them as enjoyable as possible.)
OK. So it's a promise. Do you hear me EVIL guy? Do not smite me yet. You're day is nigh.
Show Comments »
Um. Heh. Thank you, Key. I always enjoy your site, and am pleasantly surprised that you enjoy Inblognito. I regret nothing about linking your fine ass. Please, continue to comment. So far, you are my only one. ;)
Your friend,
Queenie MacFarland
posted by
Queenie on November 10, 2004 01:39 AM
Hey, you know I love ya, doll, I was just givin' you some grief.
posted by
Evilwhiteguy on November 10, 2004 07:24 AM
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« Hide Comments
posted by Key on
10:52 PM
|
Comments (3)
»
Gut Rumbles links with:
I love blogs
Aroused
...from my drug-induced coma. Oh yes, I slept.
But I still look like something the cat coughed up, and my brain cells are still polarized, so understand that, as my writing may appear fragmented at best, it is taking every juicy drop of my brain magma to accomplish such run-on sentences as this one.
BTW, even during my 6 hour palpitating high, I didn't run over any liberals.
(I may have batted a couple of 'em around a bit with my claws as I watched them wiggle and squirm, but that's totally forgivable.)
Show Comments »
Glad you had a safe landing. I have seasonal allergies, and if I take anything for 'em, I'm whacked for days. I have to ride it out.
posted by
Sam on November 9, 2004 10:14 PM
Gee, Key, I thought your brain was always polarized, rotated towards the right.
:-P
Seriously, I hope you feel better very soon.
posted by
Jack on November 10, 2004 07:05 AM
I thought I invented the term "brain magma" but then I did a Google search and found it has already been thought of. Damn!
posted by
Goat on February 13, 2005 11:27 AM
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« Hide Comments
posted by Key on
09:51 PM
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Comments (4)
November 08, 2004
Happy Monday
It sure as hell feels like one.
Yes, as being braindead seems to be go around, I seem to have caught a bad case of it myself. Wimp that I am, I don't live well on two, maybe three hours of sleep.
Apparently, I took the wrong combination of medications last night as I attempted to treat both a pulled muscle and a sinus headache.
I went from being in pain and quite grumpy to no pain and quite high out of my mind within the window of about 30 minutes, sometime around 3 am.
Unfortunately, I was WAY too tired to enjoy it. Plus, I'm not a nurse, but I think when your heart is jumping around at 80 beats per minute at rest, that might be a bad thing.
That lasted six hours.
WTF did I take, and how the fuck is it legal?
Whew. Blurry screen. Goodnight blogworld.
Show Comments »
Aww...I sometimes get all jumpy and schizo when I take cold medicine, but if you took what I think you took - cold meds and a muscle relaxer? - I'm surprised you weren't out like a light. Just be thankful you didn't have a cocktail with those pills!
Hope you feel better. ;)
posted by
queenie on November 8, 2004 10:52 PM
Hope you have come back down to earth and are feeling better. I know what you mean about mixing meds, sometimes I knock myself out on my ass (not too bad of a feeling, either!) *L*
posted by
Michele on November 9, 2004 12:10 AM
What did you take? Mixing meds is a bit of a hobby of mine. I can steer you in the right direction next time. I assume instead of heart palpitations and the bolting sweats you're looking for something more languid, and sensuous, eh?
Give me a call. Daddy can fix you up. Or down.
posted by
Velociman on November 9, 2004 01:32 AM
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« Hide Comments
posted by Key on
10:39 PM
|
Comments (4)
November 06, 2004
Blogworld Dreams and Orgy Wishes
He got 'em. She got 'em.
Where's my supa-erotic dreams? I was playing football with a swollen foot last night...WTF?
Show Comments »
... if hers were anything like mine... then, wow.. or, whoa... or, both...
posted by
Eric on November 6, 2004 09:08 PM
It gets worse.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v56/Mamamontezz/jawjaenquirer.jpg
posted by
Mamamontezz on November 6, 2004 11:08 PM
Awww... I think somebody needs an obscene phone call.
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Acidman on November 8, 2004 11:24 PM
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« Hide Comments
posted by Key on
06:22 PM
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Comments (5)
If Ya Want Somethin' Done "Right"...
So I went back there today; I knew you people weren't going to go over there and defend my ass in my absence! That's okay, I understand. It's scary.
So, I've brought one of the samples over for you. I went back and forth with several people, and finally, Tess decided to launch an interrogation. Here are the Q and A's:
Q: You don't want the millitary spending cut even if it produces waste.
A: No cuts. You don't cut your security budget when there's a murderer loose in your neighborhood. However, misallocations could be better spent. Our boys and their families could use more money for one thing. They work for a living, and they defend our freedom. I'd say they've earned it.
Q: You want a general cut in spending because big gov't produces waste.
A: Yes. Privatization would be more efficient. I don't see it happening even with my guy in office, but further damage will be minimized.
Q: You want adults to stop getting social services because they become lazy and slothful because they're getting a free meal.
A: YES! Exactly. This type of aid should be short-term and on an emergency basis while employment or further education is sought, otherwise the dependence goes on indefinitely and the taxpayer burden is passed on from one generation to the next. The government turns a blind eye because it is easier to pay them off than to help them succeed.
Q: But you advocate that children should get help because they are innocents.
A: Absolutely. They can't help it that their parents are slack and have been neglecting them since the day they were born. They deserve an opportunity to be more than that. When they become productive members of society, the chain is broken.
Q: So the only solution I can see from that arrangement is to hand out contraceptives and birth control to adults instead of social services so they don't produce innocent children that will be abused until they're taken away from their parents.
A: Hey, that sounds good. Unfortunately, county health clinics are already doing that, yet the problem persists. Some people choose to be irresponsible. They don't want help. They want a free ride, and they don't want to contribute anything.
See...You think you're being politically correct by supporting this downward spiral. Well, that's great, but it never fixed anything. Sometimes those of us with the "tough love" attitude actually care the most.
We want improvement, not tolerance.
As I postscript, I will admit that I may have put myself out there with that last line, as it could easily be taken out of context.
However, within context, I stand by it.
Show Comments »
Sounds like you covered it... and no, I'm not going over there... my palms are getting sweaty just thinking about it. ;)
posted by
pam on November 7, 2004 01:14 AM
Key - I just went and read about 1/2 the comments - those people are beyond reason. They are denser than Georgia Clay.
You are certainly braver than I am and you must have better blood pressure than me, because mine went up about 20 points after I read that crap!
posted by
Beth on November 8, 2004 01:37 AM
Key,
Josting with windmills and beating your head against a stone wall must be fun for you.
posted by
James Old Guy on November 8, 2004 02:30 PM
« Hide Comments
posted by Key on
05:24 PM
|
Comments (3)
November 05, 2004
So You think I haven't Written Anything Today?
Wrong!
I have been writing my ASS off...
First, I decided to get into a debate over at Geoffrey's with the self-proclaimed "crazy Liberal Lesbian Aunt Connie."
She's not going to admit it, but I think I've converted her.
So that was peaches 'n cream compared to what I did next...I decided to jump into the lion's den at what appears to be a rather popular liberal blog (hat tip to Young Dave).
I have to go home now to my kuntry kunservtive abode what has no DSL, but if I'm not mistaken I'm still being attacked over there. So, don't let me down people; go over there and defend my ass whilst I'm not here to defend myself. (No, do not read all 200 comments; scroll the last 30 or so...)
That is all. (Week-end bloggers may have at it, should you feel the urge.)
Show Comments »
No, Maria's place is liberal nutballs. Connie is tame compared to them.
posted by
Geoffrey on November 5, 2004 11:15 PM
I'd say I definitely pulled a Geoffrey today...
posted by
Key on November 5, 2004 11:21 PM
There are some really confused people in this world and after reading those two blogs, I realize I just might be sane. What ever the hell that is.
posted by
James Old Guy on November 6, 2004 03:44 PM
Hi, first time reading your blog. Just wanted to say kudos for bravely going into the breach against a crazy liberal lesbian aunt and emerging to tell the tale. Sounds rather like my last weekend's experience at a college halloween party. :(
JKS.
posted by
JKS on November 6, 2004 04:29 PM
Monkeyfishing. You intrepid soul.
posted by
Velociman on November 8, 2004 03:57 PM
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posted by Key on
11:12 PM
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Comments (5)
November 04, 2004
From the Inbox
On gay rights...
I think the pundits are missing something with the whole Jesus thing - - only a small percentage of those who voted against the same-sex marriage thing did so for religious reasons – the rest of us did so because we think that WOMEN should suck cock and we’re fucking tired of all the whining from the “Neil and Bobs” about their so-called fucking rights.
What an asshole.
Yet entertaining, so I've added him to my list of weblog authors. Look for him as Young Dave.
Show Comments »
It's tough to argue with circular logic. Or BJ's. I'm in.
posted by
Velociman on November 5, 2004 04:01 AM
Just make sure she's looking you in the eyes...
(golly, did I just write that?)
posted by
Dave on November 5, 2004 06:08 PM
Wow, maybe if I was an entertaining asshole, I could get a link too :)
posted by
Evilwhiteguy on November 6, 2004 02:37 AM
Hint duly noted; I WILL be updating the blogroll ASAP...
posted by
Key on November 6, 2004 03:36 PM
I never was very good at being subtle...
/linkwhoring
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Evilwhiteguy on November 8, 2004 05:25 PM
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posted by Key on
10:33 PM
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Comments (6)
Read the Fine Print, Buttlick
Do all tenants suck or just mine?
First of all, they weren't supposed to be renters. This was supposed to be a friggin LEASE PURCHASE, until these lovely people decided to wait until the day before closing to back out.
However, they decided to forego all monies earned towards closing costs to opt out of the purchase and continue on as tenants.
Today, I got the following letter in lieu of November's rent:
This is to let you know that we will be moving at the end of November. Please use part of the $1000. deposit you have from us for the November rent. When i drop the keys off i let you know where to sent the remaning $350.00 to.
Thank you
[Buttlick]
Yeah, right! Nice try. So, I cussed a bit, regrouped, and pulled the guy's file. This is first Special Stipulation on the Lease/Purchase Agreement:
Buyer to pay seller $1000 deposit (not to be held in escrow) which will count toward buyer's down payment at closing. If buyer is unable to close, seller will retain deposit regardless of reason for termination.
All nice, neat, and initialed. Sooo...I'm right, he's wrong. I'll still never see the money, and there's no telling what he's done to the place.
Buttlick.
Show Comments »
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posted by
Rees on December 25, 2004 10:55 AM
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No, pretty much all tenants suck...I had girls move in and buy drugs from one of their neighbors. There was a brea-in, I wonder why?! So, I bought a 2 new windows and then they moved out inbetween thanksgiving and christmas, leaving me without renters for a month and a half. Too bad most states favor tenants because of the power relationship. The problem is that there is no power differential here. I am a 26 yr old law student and I am broke. Thanks for the bias judiciary!!
posted by
K Fowler on April 21, 2005 12:19 AM
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posted by Key on
07:58 PM
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Comments (3)
November 03, 2004
A Child is Born
I have recently given birth people, and I am quite proud of the new addition.
Dave, that is an impressive start, and that's not just maternal bias.
In case you're interested in your heritage, here goes:
The blogfaddah is your maternal grandfather. He's incestuous, so guard your women. Due to his uh, prowess, you have too many aunts and uncles to name, but I'll name one...
Eric is your red-headed step uncle...and if you ever start doing this...particularly in lieu of any other punctuation...you got it from him...
Jim is your big brother, but he's on an extended vacation, so you'll have to get to know him later.
I've chosen Sam and Kelley to be your godparents, and you'll thank me for it. Folks like these two make life in blogworld worth living.
I have no clue who your daddy is. Sorry, it's just that way in blogworld. You'll get used to it. But I can help you narrow the search.
Try Geoffrey, Velocigod, Jack, Denny or David. Let me know if you find any resemblance there.
(Oh, and I'll be commenting all over the place as soon as I can get my stupid blogger log-in to work again.)
Show Comments »
Post a picture of your middle finger, Dave. Blogdom DNA.
posted by
Velociman on November 3, 2004 11:02 PM
His blog is already fucked up. Dax must be the baby daddy.
posted by
Geoffrey on November 4, 2004 12:56 AM
Key, are you going to try to get some DNA evidence outta me? Cuz if you are, we can do it the E-Z way, or the HARD way...
posted by
david on November 4, 2004 04:50 AM
Well, I don't know, there are days (like today...) that I think I'm the bastard stepchild of blogworld, so perhaps you don't want anyone that you LIKE to be associated with me...
but I'd say he looks like Geoffrey to me...
:-P
posted by
Jack on November 4, 2004 12:08 PM
...forget DNA; I'll just collect child support from all of you. ; )
posted by
Key on November 4, 2004 05:41 PM
Blogspot was jammed yesterday and my site was not showing up. Today seems to be running slow as well. Sorry 'bout that but don't stop comin' round, ya'll.
posted by
Dave on November 5, 2004 05:59 PM
What about their crazy Liberal Lesbian Aunt Connie?
Everyone needs one.
posted by
Connie on November 5, 2004 07:43 PM
LOL Connie! Thanks for visiting. May have to make you an honorary member of the family. ; )
posted by
Key on November 5, 2004 08:33 PM
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posted by Key on
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»
Gut Rumbles links with:
another newborn
»
The Brier Patch links with:
I'm A Godfather
How Do You Spell Relief?
No, I won't be rubbing it in...
To be honest, Kerry did much better than I anticipated. While I was excited for our President, I was shocked (and yeah, admittedly, disappointed) by the number of people voting Democratic. I must wear blinders to some extent, as I've preferred to assume that the fondness for big government isn't prevalent in my backyard...that is, until I am told that 1,240,368 people in Georgia voted for Kerry! Suddenly, I'm spooked, as I wonder how many otherwise normal-looking people - whom I may run into on a daily basis - are secretly voting democratic!
I just don't get it. My motivation isn't a hatred of the other party. Mine is a plea for less government. What is the motivation of the other side?
Maybe we'll never bridge the gap. Maybe I'll never understand. And then, maybe there is hope.
Jack is the most thoughtful (as well as intelligent) moderate I know. We have had extensive debates via email regarding my fiscally ultra-conservative position on any topic other than defense. Perhaps Jack is just more compassionate...while my hard ass believes that even compassion, nay, especially compassion should be privatized.
Miraculously, Jack and I are tight. He's my bud. Typically, the pattern is as follows: I go and start trouble by leaving an antagonistic comment on his blog, we take it outside (email), we get it out of our system (long diatribes), then we catch up on life (chit chat)...because at the end of the day, we are two caring people.
I think most of us are. Maybe this won't be as ugly as anticipated.
Show Comments »
Key,
Do you suppose what you described is a roadmap on how individuals with differing opinions can discuss things with civility?
It looks like is starts with mutual respect...
My hat's off to both of you.
;-D
posted by
Christina on November 3, 2004 08:21 PM
Actually, I've had some less than level-headed and moderate posts roiling around in my head for the past few weeks, I just haven't put them down in words yet. They're on the way, but with many caveats.
Hopefully, they won't destroy Key's artificially high opinion of me.
;-)
posted by
Jack on November 3, 2004 08:44 PM
Jack - There must be mutual leeway; otherwise, you wouldn't have been back after some of my lib-bashing posts.
Oh, and the only thing artificial about you is your modesty!
posted by
Key on November 3, 2004 09:02 PM
If I didn't at least try to be modest, you wouldn't be able to fit in the same room with me and my ego, so be glad...
:-P
posted by
Jack on November 4, 2004 12:10 PM
We have a lot of people in this country that are anti-war at any cost. In my humble yankee-redneck opnion Kerry said a lot of things people wanted to hear but his background did not support what he was saying. The democratic party missed the boat after 9-11, they did not see the swing to the middle class american values. The democratic parties choice of a running mate for Kerry was an extremely bad move, who wants the man one heart beat from becoming the president to be a shyster lawyer. Most of America is neither extremely liberal or extremely conservative, I think the Republican party figured that out. The democrats will continue to suffer as long as the values of the Clintons and the Kennedys are the mainstream idea of the party.
posted by
James Old Guy on November 4, 2004 02:27 PM
Well, it's over, and time for everyone to move forward.
posted by
Sam on November 4, 2004 06:07 PM
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posted by Key on
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November 02, 2004
Don't Sweat it Folks!
It's only capitalism! Worse case scenario, we can tell the commie kiddies that we remember when...
While we wait, I have found something most pleasurable that is spreading like wildfire all over blogworld.
A philosophy is provided courtesy the great Velocimaster. Ahh...yes, I think that puts it all in perspective.
To think, I read him religiously for the past year, hoping for a glimpse of the man behind the madness.
Nothing. I think he posted half his nose from behind an umbrella one time. So I drag my ass to this crazy-ass meet for a privileged glimpse...
And now? Well, so much for exclusivity. The mug has been pimped. Eric, honey, I just have one thing to say to you...
You could have charged.
Show Comments »
... yeah.. the cat is out of the proverbial bag.. still, I was in a sharing mood...
posted by
Eric on November 2, 2004 10:46 PM
Pimped, indeed. I'm going to make Eric clean out all my comment spam.
posted by
Velociman on November 2, 2004 11:06 PM
... just wait till the Lynndie photo emerges... oh, yes...
posted by
Eric on November 3, 2004 03:43 PM
Damn...were y'all doing the Lynndie in Helen?
posted by
Sam on November 3, 2004 04:18 PM
Well, uh, I was doing the Lynndie... dammit.
posted by
Velociman on November 3, 2004 05:30 PM
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posted by Key on
09:20 PM
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November 01, 2004
Electoral College Replaced by Football and Canines
No, I still do not have time to write, and I thank the great Velocimaster for kindly filling in.
But I had to say something about this.
I suppose everyone knows that people were watching the Redskins Sunday...the theory being, they win, the incumbent wins.
I suppose everyone noticed the officials taking a touchdown away from the Redskins just before GB managed to acquire possession and score on the next play.
You could say they were robbed. I mean it's arguable.
I won't go there.
I would just like to take this opportunity to thank Senator Kerry for lending out his attorneys to officiate that game Sunday.
Show Comments »
I thought that would be a good topic as well. Demo Refs
posted by
Sam on November 1, 2004 08:09 PM
Probably more like a couple of losers he has hand picked for White House Advisors,,,
posted by
Michele on November 1, 2004 08:49 PM
Carville was line judge...
posted by
Velociman on November 2, 2004 12:38 AM
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posted by Key on
06:37 PM
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Thyre Be Monsters...
Many little creatures rang my doorbell tonight. They were costumed as pirates, and vampires, and faeries, and daemons. Princesses and bumblebees were in evidence. They were excited, and filled with faux-dread. Most of them don't believe in monsters, of course.
The troubling thing is, there really are monsters out there. Bogeymen, brigands, and cutthroats. It's sad to see these youngsters, and realize in a few short years that realization will hit them.
But in the meantime, it's kinda nice to just hand out the jelly beans and jujubes, and let them have their little Devil's Night.
Show Comments »
Zip.
Zero.
None.
More candy for me.
posted by
Geoffrey on November 1, 2004 01:34 AM
Same here, no kids knocking on the door; but I live in the boonies, so didn't really expect any. But I still get the good stuff, and then have to eat it between halloween and thanksgiving.
posted by
Michele on November 1, 2004 09:55 AM
...slow night. I left a caldron of candy on the front porch before we went out, and no greedy little boogers looted it - still there when I got home. Now that's spooky.
posted by
Key on November 1, 2004 06:29 PM
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