Observations by Key Monroe~~Home of Right Opinions, Cynical Viewpoints, and TMI in Hefty Doses
|E-mail: keymonroe [at] alltel [dot] net

November 27, 2004

I've Contemplated Teenacide

So, the family went to Macon Thursday. Macon is the home of my husband's extended family, and Thanksgiving Day is one of two obligatory dates per year that our attendance is mandated.

So, we show. And, as usual, we are pampered by my husband's gracious aunt with way too much food, riddled with doll collection tales and wedding flower fiascos by the gay uncle, and tortured by indoor tackles from my nephew who doesn't know when to stop playing football.

Those prowling were actually more numerous than that, but I wasn't terribly threatened, as susceptible prey were equally ample in supply.

Unfortunately, my nephew, being the eldest of his cousins, quickly ran out of people willing to be pounced.

So, there I sat in my sweater, jeans, and heels, on the sofa, legs crossed, remote in hand, trying to interest my nephew in something on this sans satellite television before me.

He punched me in the shoulder. "Come on, tackle me. Give me your best shot. Come on. Come on..."

I cut him a look, then attempted to lure his focus to the screen, "Look...football!"

"Whatever, that's a crap game," he informed me, as he attempted to nudge me out of a sitting position with his foot.

"Would you stop?" I faked irritation, at the same time wishing I had been more appropriately attired for the task...and that there were less witnesses in the room.

He poked his foot in the area of my backside - quite firmly, "Ha!" he chided, "I got you in the jelly roll!"

It was a blur after that.

I hit him hard. I don't know who was more surprised...him, me, or everyone else in the room.

I grabbed him in the mid-section, forced him into a headlock, and rolled him off of the sofa and onto the floor, where I then pinned arms behind his back, while securing the rest of his skinny ass with the weight of my knee.

He was helplessly pinned.

"Say it," I demanded.

Laughter. Red-faced. No-way-in-hell-I'm-sayin-it, laughter.

His father put down the crossword puzzle for the first time all day, "We don't want you to break anything - better say uncle, son."

He didn't say it. Know what he did?

HE LET ONE RIP. All over me. Stink. Nasty-ass RUN from the room, STINK.

Nice. And you guys would have us believe that we don't fight fair.


posted by Key on 10:40 PM | Comments (8)
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Would that classify as an attack using a Weapon of Mass Destruction? I thought poison gas attacks had been outlawed since World War I!!!!

(Come on, somebody had to be the one to say it...)

Posted by: Jack at November 28, 2004 03:33 AM

Guys generally are impressed with each others' farts and take glory in being 'awarded' the worst of the worst prize. Sometimes you have to wonder about guys and their little contests!

Posted by: Michele at November 28, 2004 09:46 AM

Like the bomb to Hiroshima.

It was all over in that second.

Posted by: jmflynny at November 28, 2004 01:30 PM

If you could have anticipated this you could have pulled out your Bic and immolated the little pagan. Well, actually, that probably would have needed some gasoline as well, but again: anticipate.

Posted by: Velociman at November 28, 2004 10:34 PM

Macon where? Macon, MO or GA? Coincidentally, I was at the inlaws in Macon, MO on Turkey Day, also a mandated appearance. No stinky nephews, though.

Posted by: Nicole at November 29, 2004 01:43 PM

I guess you literally knocked the sh*t out of him.

Posted by: RedNeck at November 29, 2004 03:21 PM

Hmmmm...."stinky", eh?

Now, was it a "short, sweet, purple" one?

Or a genuwine, clear-the-room, 3-days-dead skunker?

In any case, a severe knuckle-rub on his miserable skull would have been appropriate. So did you? Huh? Did you knuckle-rub his knuckle head?

Posted by: Ward Gerlach at November 29, 2004 08:01 PM

LOL! Guess you don't have any girls do ya? Guys aren't the only one's that can let 'em rip. I'll send over my two girls to give you a sample. Oh, and my husband. God..this post was hysterical!

Posted by: Moogie at November 29, 2004 08:17 PM
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