Key Issues: January 2005 Archives

Painful Moments

We all have little audio triggers which are by far worse than fortified acrylic nails down an old school chalkboard, yes?

For me, it is typically a smoke detector style BEEP-BEEP-BEEP which comes out of an evil alarm clock, and it only drones louder and louder until it becomes a sanity-depriving shrill... unless the right button is pressed thereby quelling the beast.

I can find that button in my sleep, eyes shut, no prob. That is why the alarm is on Shrek's side of the bed. Yes, I will continue to rise an hour before the sun. This I must do. But I do not like it, and I never will, not even when I'm 65 and am looking at a $5 dollar savings on a 5:30am buffet. Screw it. I look forward to my retirement for a reason, and that ain't it.

I honestly wish I could enjoy early am, seriously, I do. But I don't.

However, even given my irrational hatred for my alarm clock, I have found an audio trigger which is nastier even than the overhearing of your roommate blow chunks.

It's the sugary-sweet, hallmark moment, cornball music that comes on at the end of Full House, when everyone is so tearfully SORRY that they were a selfish, spoiled brat, and the audience says AAAAAAAAAAWWWW!

Aaw, how emetic!

And yes, I do feel bitchy as hell for saying so, even as I coax my nauseated stomach down out of my throat.

(From now on, Nick goes OFF after 9.)

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posted by Key on 09:55 PM | Comments (2)
» gay sex* pic free links with: gay sex* pic free
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I Can Think of No Better Use...

...for an Acidbath than to post a couple of pics of my beloved pets.

Here's Miss Beautiful-and-I-know-it, allow me to rub my butt on you:

And here is my baby. The purrfect cat, loyal, affectionate, and cuddly, I've had this one since before Miss Priss was born:

I had to do it. I owed Zonk a furbelly pic.

While I admit that it pains my ass that these two critters can NOT seem to get along after three years of cohabitation, I still prefer cats. I love all animals, but I do have a soft spot for cats. Hey, they are painstakingly self-cleaning, throw a marble on the hardwood and they'll entertain you for hours, and they purr when you cuddle them.

How do ya beat that?

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posted by Key on 03:59 PM | Comments (10)

I'm Not Blocking You!

I've spent the day bummin' my bootay off, enjoying North Georgia's "ice day," so I just noticed that we have a Munuvian comment prob.

I want you here. Really I do, but comments are blacklisting urls for the moment. So iffin you want to leave one, you'll have to do so without your http: link.

Iffin you are ADAM however, you are clearly just beggin' for trouble. Either that, or you just miss dancing.

(Hey, he started it.)

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posted by Key on 12:00 AM | Comments (11)

Framed!

A Panama City Beach tale, in which "girl code" was nonexistent.

It was my senior year of high school (1992), and the girls and I had decided it being our senior year, we would not be denied our spring breakage from our conservative homes.

My parents were the last to cave, a problem, since I had been chosen the designated driver. But I broke character long enough to inform them that they could let me go, meaning I'd leave at a decent hour and check in frequently, or they could refuse, meaning I'd sneak out and be back in a week.

To this day I can't believe that worked. (Of course, three months later our happy home would fall apart and I'd be out on the street anyway, but they did not know this at the time...)

Shrek (Mr. Key) and I had been dating for 5 months. And although I enjoyed the first three months sans exclusivity agreement, he was at this point onto me and had humbly requested that I discontinue my fave sport, that of picking up guys.

So off I go to Panama City Beach with the girls, where the odds of guys to gals this particular week would be something like 4 to 1.

Losing battle from day 1, yet I persevered. I was lifted off of my cooler at the Drivin n Cryin beach concert, swung in circles and thrown into the sand by quite the hunkster.

Yet when he moved in for a kiss, I flattened my hand over his face and turned my head. These were difficult days.

This pattern of drunken frustration continued until eventually, maybe three nights into partying heartily, I opted for a night of rest.

The heavily intoxicated girlfriends, still soaked from their impromptu jump in the pool, opted for a night out on the town, shouting their creed, "If you can dive, you can drive..."

Of course, I refused to give up the keys, so they reluctantly settled for the party going on on the beach outside the hotel, disgusted with me and my boring committed self. Meanwhile, I stripped down to a mini-tee and undies for a night of rest.

I must have slept two hours tops before I heard them stumble into the door and fumble with the room key. I rolled over; they'd figure it out eventually.

And they did. All seven of them. My three girlfriends brought back four guys. "We brought you a guy," they sang.

Bitches.

As graciously as my annoyed ass could convey, I communicated that I wanted these fellas to go back to their room. And, as graciously as their drunken asses could convey, they let me know that that was tough shit.

Now I may have been laughing at their goofy drunken asses, but it was a frustrating moment as my modesty prevented me from jumping out of bed and showing those fools the door. So I fortified myself under the covers, and hoped reason would return to my girls.

It didn't.

The most animated of the girlfriends grabbed the arm of one tall, blonde asshole and said, "She's the one I was telling you about. She wants you..."

"NO I..." Too late. He pounced. I wrestled. He got the hint, but not before a flash went off sometime during my struggle.

My "girlfriend" holding the camera cackled with laughter. "Gotcha!" she crowed.

The picture was everything she had hoped it would be. Me in bed, he reaching over me, my outstretched arms....to STOP him, to keep him at arm's length, but the camera didn't know that.

And so, girlfriend got the last laugh as I attempted to convey the humorous story to my then boyfriend, who was less than amused.

But I initially kept the picture to go with the tale. It was after all, part of the trip.

Post it? Can't. Husband finally bought the story, but he hated the pic. Heh.

It's long gone.

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posted by Key on 05:35 PM | Comments (12)

Be Careful When Driving Thru North Carolina

You wouldn't want to get into an accident.

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posted by Key on 09:58 PM | Comments (1)

First Snow

Thanks to the dropping temp, as well as posts like Queenie's, I've been thinking about snow, surfing photo albums and staring wistfully at the scant evidence that Georgia has indeed hosted a few flakes (of the frozen variety).

This is my baby's first snow. Yes, my now eight year old baby...

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posted by Key on 05:40 PM | Comments (3)

Not!

I am nothing like him!

Okay, we may share a few of the same personality quirks, but THIS TEST pegged me the same personality type.

Horrified, I killed the results and took it again. So the next time I got Hippie...Niice.

Clearly a mutant hybrid, I've included both descriptions below, striking that which I deny, and bolding that which is spot on.

You are a SEDL--Sober Emotional Destructive Leader. This makes you a Dictator.

You prefer to control situations, ~~and lack of control makes you physically sick~~. You feel responsibility for everyone's welfare, and that you will be blamed when things go wrong. Things do go wrong, and you take it harder than you should.

You rely on the validation and support of others, but you have a secret distrust for people and distaste for their habits and weaknesses that make you keep your distance from them. ~~This makes you very difficult to be with romantically~~. Still, a level-headed peacemaker can keep you balanced.

~~Despite your fierce temper and general hot-bloodedness~~, you have a soft spot for animals and a surprising passion for the arts. Sometimes you would almost rather live by your wits in the wilderness somewhere, if you could bring your books and your sketchbook.

You also have a strange, undeniable sexiness to you. You may go insane.

You are a SECF--Sober Emotional Constructive Follower. This makes you a Hippie.

You are passionate about your causes and steadfast in your commitments. Once you've made up your mind, no one can convince you otherwise. ~~Your politics are left-leaning~~, and your lifestyle choices decidedly temperate and chaste.

You do tremendous work when focused, but usually you operate somewhat distracted. You blow hot and cold, and while you normally endeavor on the side of goodness and truth, ~~you have a massive mean streak which is not to be taken lightly. You don't get mad, you get even.~~

Please don't get even with this web site.

(Don't forget to visit the other bloggers who have joined in on the reindeer games.)

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posted by Key on 03:41 PM | Comments (10)
» Moogies World links with: 20 Questions to a Better Personality

Osama Bin Flat-footed

Apparently I have something in common with Osama bin Laden.

Well, now, it's like this, as Marfan Syndrome is an equal opportunity syndrome, we can't exactly discriminate against evil, stinky men who seek to take over the world.

And, if anyone deserves a disfiguring curvature of the spine, that dusty goat tops the list. Something interesting, however, about this connective tissue disorder, is that after years of researchers simply assuring that the syndrome did not adversely affect intelligence, recent correlations have been drawn between the affliction and increased mental aptitude, some describing those affected as being "bright and charismatic." Yet, so far, this makes absolutely no sense from a biological standpoint. (No need to bow to my aptitude. I was given the "bullshitting" gene, the sans elastic skin, and the scoliosis. My cousin got the genius, and had he survived the condition, I'm sure he would have taken over the world.)

Other historical figures assumed to have had Marfan Syndrome include Julius Caesar, Charles de Gaulle, Sergei Rachmaninoff, Mary Queen of Scots, Abraham Lincoln, and violinist Nicolo Paganini.

Regarding, Osama, I have a plan. I'll set up shop in the dusty caves of the Middle East performing echocardiograms for the Marfan afflicted desert rats. When he shows, I'm 50 million richer... provided I survive of course.

(Incidentally, and as a tangent, can you think of anything you'd do for 50 million dollars that you wouldn't do for 25 million dollars? Sorry, I've been stuck on that...)

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posted by Key on 04:56 PM | Comments (6)

Pin the Info on the Techtard

Okay, as I continue to debate amongst myselves whether or not blogworld is ready for the contents of a certain letter, allow me take a moment to appeal to the tech savvy among you.

Here's the deal. Talent show tomorrow at school, Miss Priss wants to sing 1-2-3 by Nikki Cleary. Now. How much trouble is it to find, download and burn a karaoke version of this song?

Yes, by tomorrow morning. No, I don't want to hear any crap about procrastination. She's prepared to go acappella, but she wouldn't mind accompaniment.

Update: While we're sort of on the topic, I'd like to go ahead and TEST all of you on your NERD quotient. I will confess that I am a "Wannabe Nerd." And that's only because the makers of this test aren't familiar with the phrase "Self-proclaimed techtard."

Hat tip to Chabliz.

Update #2: Talent show a success. Miss Priss was sporting jeans, satin-trimmed button-down, white denim jacket, and gemstone studded beret. (And, yes, I did get up 30 minutes earlier to assist her in the coordination of said outfit...)

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posted by Key on 09:36 PM | Comments (6)

Moral Dilemma, No. 547

Many of you may remember from my haunting tale of the history of my abode, that the previous occupant of this house ~~was a sick fuck~~ vacated the premises due to an invite that he just couldn't turn down at yonder state prison.

That was four years ago.

Apparently he had had a live-in named Sandy.

So a couple of months ago, as I was sorting the snail mail, I happened upon an unexpected piece...a letter from an inmate. Previous owner to previous luvah.

Now. How could he be so fool as to not know that his ass had been forclosed upon? FOUR years ago? This I wonder. But for whatever reason, he sent the missive to this address for that woman.

Now. I agonized over the decision to be made. Knee-jerk? "Return to sender," and back in the box.

Well...Understand, it just hit me for the first time that maybe the only reason that we've enjoyed a peaceful, stalker and arsen free existence is because this psycho hasn't been made aware that this particulah address is under new management.

Great. And now I'm gonna tip him off?

I wasn't sure about that, so I tossed the letter aside and granted myself a week to decide.

A week passed, and I began to feel for the man who had sent a letter, yet had heard nothing in response. Stupid female emotions. Piss on them.

None-the-less, I decided to return the letter.

Of course, it had been a busy week, and mail had been sorted, divided, and carried off by multiple members o' household. Okay, so yeah, I kinda misplaced it. Hey, thought that counts, right? Right.

So, last week, and two months later, I stopped by the trusty mailbox for the perfunctory retrieval of junkmail. And amidst the brochures and direct marketing literature was something unusual...handwriting.

The same all caps, black felt penned scrawl that I had seen a few months before. (Perhaps I should check for a powdery residue.)

It looked identical. From same former occupant to same luvah Sandy.

Seeking exoneration, as I was still processing the guilt from misplacing the last opportunity to set this man straight, I wasted no time adding the words, "Return to sender - No longer at this address" on the face of the envelope and dropping it back into the box, with only the slightest twinge of anxiety. (If anyone has some asbestos laying around, I'll take it off your hands. Anything to make this cedar box less flammable.)

The moral dilemma, you ask? Ahh, well, today, as I was cleaning out my car, I happened upon the first letter, the misplaced letter...

Situation having been handled and this sucker being three months old, it's not going back. So uh... trash it? Oooopen it?? The letter continues to hover in my possession like a bad omen, yet I can't seem to shake it...or trash it.

A little help here?

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You already gave yourself the best bit of advice you could recieve when you wrote "female emotions...piss on them"; seriously.

Free yourself completely from involvement in prison letter writing. These guys have all day, day in and day out, to think up ways to scam people, and their creativity may surprise you. I once had a prison pen pal, a guy who wanted Frank Zappa tapes, so I recorded some for him. We struck up a correspondence, and he was intelligent and wrote fascinating letters, all of which were sent to a p.o box that left my address anonymous. Somehow he got my adress from his mother, and not only did letters arrive at my house, but my phone began to ring with various inmates I did not know calling up to ask for money. None of this was my pen pals deliberate fault, as far as I know, but in prison anything can happen. One of my letters was seen by another inmate, and one thing lead to another. I broke the whole thing off, changed my number, made it unlisted, and luckily moved thereafter. My pen pal never would tell me what he was in for, but I later discovered it was a molestation charge.
This guy did a lot of flattering, telling me he looked forward to my letters more than anything, and I realized if he got out, he was going to want to meet me. I got very cold feet. Being friendly and compassionate is one thing, opening your life to a potentially negative Darwinian influence is another.

My point is, no matter your best intentions, you are best to have nothing to do with it whatsoever....just my 2 cents.

Werbinox

posted by werbinox on January 25, 2005 01:32 AM

Pitch it!! Of course, IF it happens to get torn in the process of getting crumpled up and thrown into the waste basket and sheets of paper fall out, you may want to scan them to make sure there are no clues of hidden money under the floorboards,,,but don't tell us, coz I think it's a federal crime to open someone else's mail. I'm not a lawyer, Christina could help on this one!

posted by Michele on January 25, 2005 04:56 AM

"Trusty" mailbox. Heh. I get it.

As a former prison guard I can only advise you to READ THAT THING! Prisoner writing is awesome. Think "Belly of the Beast".

posted by Velociman on January 25, 2005 06:56 AM

Read it first, then trash it.

posted by catzmeow on January 25, 2005 09:52 AM

Okay Werb, I guess when I said "I decided to return the letter," I should have been more specific. I meant I decided to write "RETURN TO SENDER" on his letter and send it back to the psycho! Never did I consider penning a letter, and I was only hesitant to return HIS to him because I don't know when the guy's getting out, and he HAS my address...and thinks it's his!

As for the rest of you, I'm ALL about opening, then trashing...just looking for validation, feels weird.

posted by Key on January 25, 2005 11:02 AM

Read it, post the contents on your blog for the rest of us to read and THEN trash it!

Eavesdropping and opening mail addressed to others makes for excellent blog entries.

posted by DeAnna on January 25, 2005 11:21 AM

Ooooh, I like the way DeAnna thinks! I vote for her idea!!!

posted by WarWagon on January 25, 2005 12:06 PM

I say throw it away and forget about it, but ensure your personal survival tool is always close by.

posted by Sam on January 25, 2005 02:11 PM

I'd like to jump on the "read it, post it, then trash it" bandwagon. With names changed to protect the guilty.

posted by Adam Lawson on January 25, 2005 05:06 PM

Exactly. (Her name ain't "Sandy.")

posted by Key on January 25, 2005 05:10 PM

Oh hell yeah, you HAVE to make a blog post out of it now!

posted by Michele on January 25, 2005 05:43 PM

For heaven's sake, now that you've dragged all of us in on this.....you are completely obligated to read it and post the entire contents!! Like, duh! ;)

posted by DogsDon'tPurr on January 25, 2005 05:54 PM

Oh please commit a federal offense and then post about it! You're kind of anonymous. Those agents won't track you down.

posted by Velociman on January 25, 2005 07:25 PM

Ick, V-Man has a point.

posted by Adam Lawson on January 25, 2005 07:42 PM

I don't think I could bring myself to open mail intended for someone else. Even if it DID land in my mailbox.

So I went to throw it away, but it fell to the side of the trash can, and now my stupid paper-eating cat is tearing into the damn thing!

I'm just gonna try to tape it back together... ; )

posted by Key on January 25, 2005 07:57 PM

Enough of this already, Key. Just toss it already and get it over with. And posting it would be a bad idea.

posted by zonker on January 25, 2005 10:04 PM

Zonk, I'm beginning to think living here would be a bad idea...

posted by Key on January 25, 2005 10:22 PM

You do not want to get involved with this guy in any way, shape, or form. You also want to make sure he has no grudge against you. RETURN TO SENDER, right now, unopened, end of story. Anything else in unethical and dangerous. Just in case, buy yourself something nice at the gun show this weekend.

posted by slimedog on January 26, 2005 10:43 AM

I did that, the "return to sender" thing with the recent letter, the one I didn't lose.

This other is the "found" one, actually dated Septempter. I was hoping for release information. I'd kinda like to be out of this house before he gets out. Having built the house himself, I fear possessiveness issues.

posted by Key on January 26, 2005 12:33 PM

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posted by Key on 11:55 PM | Comments (19)

Jammies With Feet

I need some.

So I'm a southern wimp. I don't give a shit.

I'm cold.

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posted by Key on 11:37 PM | Comments (5)

Hickey What?

I'm hesitant to post this, but since she's not old enough to read my blog, I'm gonna...

Mom (that's me, in the pick up line after school): How was your day honey?

Miss Priss: Fine. Guess what? Alicia's going to sing a song for the talent contest.

Mom [realizing MP is for some reason obsessed with this contest]: Really? Which one?

MP: I don't remember the name of it, but it was by the Hickey Dicks.

Mom [laughing only on the inside]: Honey, that doesn't sound right. Try again.

MP: Something like that. Anyway...

Mom [rudely interrupting during crucial part of story]: Wait. We gotta fix this one. Was it Dixie Chicks?

MP: Yeah, whatever. So...

Mom [refusing to let it go]: Honey, I just want to make sure that you are pronouncing it correctly in the future. This is important.

MP: Fine, yeah, it was the Dixie Chicks, okay?

Mom: Okay! Much better!

Jeez, I never thought I'd be so thrilled to hear my daughter articulate those two words.

Everything is indeed relative.

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posted by Key on 04:39 PM | Comments (3)
» Evilwhiteguy's Blog links with: Thank God I Don't Have A Daughter
» Evilwhiteguy's Blog links with: Thank God I Don't Have A Daughter

Frozen Key

Don't I live in Georgia?

Yeah, I thought so. It is EIGHTEEN friggin degrees outside. One. Eight.

Eighteen.

After my coffee then...

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posted by Key on 09:23 AM | Comments (7)

He Lives!

Donnie the AWOL Bejus Pundit finally emailed me!

My kind and understanding reply to the overture was of course, "Where the hell have you been?! Blog brother abandonment!"

"On the road, Sis, big-time..." his reply.

Well, fine then. I say he's forgiven. Well, just as soon as he books his room for the Georgia Writer's Seminar.

Good to hear from you Donnie!

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posted by Key on 04:42 PM | Comments (7)

Zits and Wrinkles

Ideally, the blemishes subside around eighteen or so, and the wrinkles don't even start for another ten years.

Ten years of milky, flawless complexion, right? Right. Okay, so who did I piss off in a former life to have BOTH at 30?

(If I can get a name on that, I believe I'll sue for mental anguish.)

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posted by Key on 01:26 PM | Comments (12)

Girl Code

Last night, as I attempted to assist Miss Priss with her Spelling homework, she made every effort to distract me from seeing her task through to completion.

She wanted to talk about the spies who had installed software on our computer. She wanted to talk about her new career goal, which is to be a singer. (Last week it was horse vet.) Clearly though, she was not satisfied with mommy's short answers and decided to move on to another topic.

"Mommy, do you know what girl code is?"

Okay, I had to laugh. But that's only because in my cynical adult mind I was thinking, Yeah, I know what it is. In high school, it means all boyfriends are to be tossed aside for your girlfriend. In college, it means that your girlfriend has the right to then DATE all of these boyfriends. And after college, it means even less than that...

But I was curious what it meant to an eight year old. So amused, I played along, "No honey, I don't know. What is girl code?"

I knew she'd have a matter-of-fact answer, and she did, "You use the girl code when you like a boy."

"I see. How does it work?"

"Easy. You just tell your best friend that you like him, and then you get to be mean to him together."

Heh.

I like her definition better.

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posted by Key on 02:34 PM | Comments (12)
» Gut Rumbles links with: they start early
» Velociworld links with: Spinning Like a Roscoe Machine

Cursed Be Their Names

More annoying than sand fleas, more toxic than fresh moonshine, is a network of butt-munching spy-spammers known as the Bull's Eye Network.

Who let them in, I know not. But I'm guessing in my daughter's haste to close a pop-up, they got her. Oh, and they hid. But I found the nasty infestation.

Once discovered, this nuisance only pretends to uninstall, and even then, the pretense is bought only through a tedious process saturated with trickery and questionnaires.

This, friends, is the reason I was down for three days. This Bull's Eye crap (all 5 megs of it) crashed Internet Explorer. Crashed. Burned. Gone.

Upgraded Explorer. Crashed. Burned. Gone.

I needed to download Ad Aware and a new browser. But that's kinda hard to do when ya CAN'T GET ONLINE!

This is seriously cramping my techtarded style.

So I squashed the bug to the best of my ability, recovered the dial-up connection, and resurrected Outlook. Tech support emailed Netscape to me, and so, here I be, pissy but present.

I just need two things: Access to the Bull's ~~Eye~~ Shit Headquartahs and a bazooka.

I feel violated. Seriously.

And I've picked up these disturbing fantasies. Remember the glutton in the movie Seven? Well, put a spammer in his place, and change the menu from spaghetti to Spam.

Yeah, that's where I am with this.

Show Comments »

Key...

Try this free download to remove Bullseye Network:

http://www.spykiller.com/index.asp?ref=2301&p=1

Then download the free Firefox 1.0 browser from this website:

http://www.mozilla.org/products/firefox/

FIREFOX RULES!!!

If you have any questions, feel free to e-mail me.

posted by Wayne on January 19, 2005 02:51 AM

While you're at it, you might want to take a look at Thunderbird from Mozilla for use as an e-mail client, rather than Outlook. It's another free download, and it's easily "trained" to weed out spam. It will direct it to a separate folder that you can check as you wish, just in case it caught something that wasn't spam. Download at:

http://texturizer.net/thunderbird/download.html

My ISP uses Postini as a mail server, and you can set spam guidelines for it so that spam never hits your e-mail client. It keeps it on the server and you can check it and open it there with no danger of infecting your computer. Probably a monthly fee for it if your ISP doesn't offer it, but worth looking into, Google search for "Postini".

Can you tell I'm paranoid about security??? I'm currently using:

Firefox 1.0 as a browser (free)
Thunderbird 0.9 as a mail client (free)
ZoneAlarm Pro as a firewall, and it scans e-mail also (subscription, but they have a free version that works great!)
AVG 7.0 Professional as an antivirus program, also scans e-mail (subscription, but also a free version that works really well)
Ad-Aware SE personal to scan for spyware. (free)

You can also go to PCPitstop.com, set up a free account, and it will deep-scan your system for viruses, trojans (NO, NOT THAT KIND!!!), spyware...and will give suggestions on what you can do to get the best performance from your system. Pretty good stuff!

No need to thank me...*GRIN*

posted by Wayne on January 19, 2005 03:25 AM

That's why I don't use Outlook for email. That service is a flea-bitten, tick-infested dog that will bring in every virus and spy-program known to man.

ANYTHING else is better.

posted by Acidman on January 19, 2005 10:15 AM

They are right Firefox is awesome. You dont get a fraction of the popups. There is alot of freeware out there.

Ad Aware will get rid of all the Spyware:
http://www.lavasoftusa.com/software/adaware/

Spy Bot Search & Destroy is very good as well:
http://www.safer-networking.org/en/index.html

Opera is another great free Web browser:
http://www.safer-networking.org/en/index.html

AVG is free antivirus:
http://www.grisoft.com/us/us_index.php

It really stinks that we have to jump thru all these hoops to keep our PC's clean. I will ssy its been much easier since I quit using MS Internet Explorer. Good Luck.

posted by Tony on January 19, 2005 11:02 AM

Oh I feel your pain! I had to reload a friends system to get rid of all the spyware! AdAware SE detected and removed over 12,000 items!!! I'd love to get my hands on one of these jackasses.

posted by WarWagon on January 19, 2005 11:32 AM

There is a very simple solution and it's become exceedingly cheap to implement - get a Mac (Mini).

Once you do Mac you'll never go back and they are virtually immune to virii and the rest of this nonsense.

Seriously.

posted by Jesse Brown on January 19, 2005 01:02 PM

What Jesse Brown said.

posted by mike on January 19, 2005 01:24 PM

Forget that Mac bullshit. If you really want to slow dance...LINUX is the man.

posted by Sam on January 19, 2005 04:28 PM

Don't get me wrong, MAC's have a great operating system...much better than anything MS produces...but, *NIX is the catdaddy. *NIX will run underwater.

posted by Sam on January 19, 2005 04:40 PM

I'm just waiting for the poor lil techtard herself to respond to all these suggestions with a great big..."Huh?! HELP!"

(BTW - before you all go off on me, just realize that SHE called herself that!)

posted by zonker on January 19, 2005 05:46 PM

I was happy in my special little techtarded place, thank you very much Zonk... ; )

But, alas, I have been forced out of my cave. Even the tech support geek was impressed that I found the culprit and knew how to squash it.

It was just a matter of getting back up again, so that I could access downloads.

But this pc isn't fit for my 8 year old. It's time to retire it. I'm gonna have to bring one home from our office.

It took it an HOUR to run Ad Aware, then CRASHED when I pressed the magic button to kill the bugs.

Dammit.

posted by Key on January 19, 2005 11:16 PM

Sorry to hear that you're still having problems, Key. Let me know if you need some help!

posted by zonker on January 20, 2005 12:05 AM

I am "THE PEOPLES POTTER" I have been given the name through time.
I have have had to deal with a lot of crap through my life thus being the peoples potter . And ofcourse BullShit oh sorry BullsEye network is one of them.
I wish to be taken off your network.

Thank you "The Real Thing
Carl Phillis (A.K A The Pe0ples Potter" ]

P.S. you did not make the fucking Email Adress; log on box big enough.

posted by Carl Phillis on March 31, 2005 12:12 PM

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« Hide Comments

posted by Key on 11:46 PM | Comments (22)
» Straight White Guy links with: Technology...
» the rantings of a homicidalManiak links with: Kill 'em all!

Ode to Man, Velociman

Many thanks to my favorite cunning linguist for keeping the place company while my antique computer spent the weekend wrestling with my bumkuntry dial-up service.

Apparently, my browser and my modem are not speaking.

I am at work at the moment, but I will go home again tonight and attempt to play matchmaker. Perhaps even download a browser (gasp) other than Explorer. (Note to tech-baby: call Momma when you get back into town.)

Disclaimer: Can you guys tell that I spent much of my offline weekend watching the Bondathon on Encore? Clever phrase above ripped from Tomorrow Never Dies, Moneypenny to Bond: You always were a cunning linguist, James.

Heh, that just never gets old.

Well, not to me anyway...

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 04:39 PM | Comments (8)

Magic Balls

Key's internet access is down, and I hate to see a blogsite collect cobwebs, so I thought I would freshify things until her return. And out of respect I will put up a rarity for me, a post that does not involve forest defecation. Lookit:

When I was six or seven I went on a camping trip with a boy's club group of some affiliation or other. I forget, who, exactly, but my Sunday School teacher was a chaperone, and he was a kindly sort, so I went along. The campsite was great. It was somewhere between Blitchton, Georgia and Stilson, Georgia. A bend in a creek canopied with old growth forest, boughs of great girth sweeping majestically over the water. There was river, slow, somnolent. There was no sunlight, other than sporadic rays filtered through the leaves. It was a magnificent environment for young boys to whoop it up.

After venturing down the dirt road we found some open space. Dirt flats between the sand hills (this was, and is, sand hill country). Here we played Capture the Flag for several hours, and returned to the campsite, exhausted, sweaty, and sandfly-bitten for weiners over the campfire, and some highly effective ghost stories. Bliss.

The next day we cane-pole fished for bream and perch. The catch was plentiful, but none were keepers. No problem. We had weiners. In the afternoon a friend and I set forth in exploration, to divine the secrets of this primordial realm. We were perhaps a mile deep into the woods, following the creek, when I came upon a remarkable sight: a strangely configured pile of odd, luminescent balls, arranged in an indecipherable pattern.

"What do you think they are?" I asked. "I dunno," he said. "But they're real strange."

I thought these might be eggs of some sort, and could spawn duck-billed platypuses, or walking catfish, or something even more exotic (dinosaurs, perhaps). They seemed alive. I scooped up a handful, and carefully cradled them in my hands. "We have to go tell Mr. Kaufman!" I said. "He'll know what they are!"

We hied it back down the river path, ass over elbows, the long mile back to camp. When we arrived, breathless, I proffered my prize to Mr. Kaufman. "Look what I found!" I said. "What do you think they are?" Mr. Kaufman adjusted his horn-rimmed glasses, peered at the rather slimy specimens in my hand, and quietly said "Deer poop. Son, you have deer poop in your hands."

So, okay, I lied in that second sentence. But in my defense I will state that I, frankly, don't seem to have much else to talk about.

Show Comments »

posted by Velociman on 07:20 PM | Comments (7)

Magic Beans

Don't ya hate it when your kid pulls a bag of shredded cheese off of the counter?...upside down.

Don't ya hate it ten times worse when YOU do that? Heh. Yeah, I'd never done that either until yesterday. So there I was, walking and talking, and simultaneously littering the floor with a trail of monterey and cheddar...

That is but ONE example of some of the stupid shit I did yesterday while under the influence of that scribed yellow pill, that which was intended as a mild muscle relaxer, yet was actually the closest thing to tequila in a capsule that I've ever encountered.

I was drunk. Undrivably, untalkably drunk. Yes, someone attempted to call me. Too bad I answered the phone upside down.

No shit.

I figured it was a bad connection and hung up. Well, I eventually hung up. I had to find the side of the phone that had the buttons on it first.

If that was you, I apologize.

Is cool now.

(Magic beans to go on the market shortly. And, of course, the law abiding citizens among you know that I'm kidding. The rest of you know where to find me.)

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 11:04 PM | Comments (3)

Smallpox Vaccine Anyone?

This worries me, people. I've wondered why the fear isn't in the news daily, in conversations, basically I'm surprised it hasn't evolved into full-blown panic...not that that would accomplish anything.

I've always been aware of disease in general. As a child, I viewed adolescent diabetes as a fate worse than death. After all, what is a life without junkfood?

Then I got older and learned about some of the contagious diseases that I was immunized against. And I learned about the scar my mother has from her smallpox vaccination.

"Why didn't I get one of those?" I asked. "You don't need one. That disease isn't around anymore."

Uh-huh. I never bought that. I always knew somebody somewhere had to have it, and I wanted my damn shot.

Then I got older and realized how nasty this stuff is, and I wanted my damn shot.

Then rumors began to spread of countries harboring the illness in labs, and I wanted my damn shot.

I think some people are under the illusion that if you survive smallpox - big if - you can go on to lead a normal life.

I met someone who survived it.

There was an elderly couple who sat behind us at the Georgia games last year. She was a smallpox survivor. This photo depicts the disfiguring aspect of the illness. I had always thought that if you beat smallpox, you healed, or for the most part anyway. I was wrong. She looks exactly like the boy in that photo.

It isn't enough that she had to endure near death pain and torturous illness, she has had to go the duration of her life with these disfiguring scars. And I am being kind by saying so little about it. It is truly a shocking site to behold. I can not begin to imagine what she went through.

I'm not trying to be an alarmist. I'm just saying. What's with that false sense of security we had going on in the 70s? I can't imagine why that vaccine didn't remain in rotation with the MMR and others which we continue as routine.

Spilt milk, I know. And we fought the battle before. And plans are underway to prepare, should we need to fight it again.

According to this site, the United States is negotiating for the manufacture of 300 million vaccines, enough to treat our entire population. 54 million are estimated to be complete by next summer. But the information feels outdated (if not forgotten), and at this rate, it could be a while.

Conclusion? Here it goes: This is one uncomfortable window. So basically, I'm left wondering, first, if anyone else is freaked out about this, and second, if anyone else has any words of comfort.

If not, make something up.

Show Comments »

I wouldn't worry about that vaccine, Key. If weaponized smallpox is ever deployed it will be a genetically altered version, like the story said. Immune to the vaccine. I have a smallpox vac scar, or course. And so did many Indians in Grade-B westerns, amazingly.

I always feared polio as a child. You should have seen all the victims my age as a child. The Cure was out there, but people were lax about getting their kids dosed. They used to give you a series of sugar cubes with a purple drop on it. Wait. That was acid. Anyway, polio is scary stuff.

posted by Velociman on January 14, 2005 10:19 PM

Key
When I had my vaccination, I was in the 1st grade (administered free by the schools), I never told my mother about it.
Needless to say when it scabbed over and my mother saw it, she asked what had happened and I replied "I don't know" she begin to try and see what happened. After a day of probing with a needle I finally remembered the vaccination and told her so.
With out any hesitation she proceeded to give me a "vaccination" on my rear with out remorse on her part.
As Vman says my vaccination is well past being effective as that was in 1944 when I got it.

posted by Jerry on January 14, 2005 10:38 PM

Hmm, strange that you bring this up now. I just finished Demon in the Freezer by RIchard Preston and its the scariest book I've ever read. Forget about the smallpox vacination. The weaponized stuff has no defense and they will mix it with Anthrax.

See my two posts on the subject.
http://www.alternatevoice.com/mt/mt-tb.cgi?__mode=view&entry_id=207

Oh and also figured out how to kill comment spam dead. Have your people call my people. Seriously.

posted by Jesse on January 14, 2005 11:08 PM

Yeah, I wouldn't worry about it as much either IF I'D ALREADY HAD THE VACCINE. Heh. Thanks though.

The whole mutant variety version is comforting, and I did read that earlier, even if I chose not to acknowledge it.

I don't deal well with multilation, torture, disfiguration, etc. And this one seems to have it all.

posted by Key on January 14, 2005 11:11 PM

Jesse, check the link on the first word! You get the hat tip on this one!

posted by Key on January 14, 2005 11:13 PM

Crap, My trackback ain't working or I'd have noticed that right off. I just wandered over becasue I haven't been here for awhile and saw your story, not realizing...

Scary shit huh?

on a lighter note:
Haven't had any comment spam for over three days now.

Change the name of mt-comments.cgi and it's reference in mt.cfg

Also add mt-approval plug-in and it works!

posted by Jesse on January 14, 2005 11:39 PM

Key, the smallpox vaccine is actually still effective up to four days after infection, and the rate of spread is not instantaneous, so the situation is not quite as grim as it first appears.

Precautions should be taken, but it is a matter of priorities. In a risk-analysis, the outcome of the risk is one factor that must be weighed, and yes, a terrible outcome increases the weight, but that must be balanced against the probability of that risk occurring. There are other, far higher probability risks that concern me more than smallpox.

I know how to build an atomic bomb. Actually, I know more than one way to build an atomic bomb. I'm a Physicist, you know. All I need are the materials.

That is one of the risks that concern me, and we don't have infinite money, so we have to make priorities.

posted by Jack on January 15, 2005 05:18 AM

Do you realize the LEGAL LIABILITY you're talking about? Let one person die from an allergic reaction to a smallpox vaccine and some jury will award the family 100 gadzillion dollars and bankrupt the drug company.

Ask me again why we don't vaccinate people.

posted by Acidman on January 15, 2005 10:12 AM

Bullshit. People have allergic reactions to polio and MMR vaccinations, yet we don't discontinue those.

It is estimated that if all 300 million of us receive the injection, 300 will die of an allergic reaction. Literally one in a million.

But I'm all for making it optional. I'll pay for the injection for me and my family and sign away all liabilities.

Jack, as insane as this must sound to you, I'd rather be blown into a million pieces than die of (or survive) smallpox. Not that either appeals.

(Glad you're on our side, btw... : D)

posted by Key on January 15, 2005 11:15 AM

Gosh, Key...didncha know? These so-called "vaccines" are really just attempts by the imperialist Western colonial powers to spread AIDS and render our women infertile. My mullah told me so.

posted by zonker on January 15, 2005 12:55 PM

Jack,

You need to check your facts on this one. Weaponized Smallpox mixed with Anthrax could kill up to 50 million people in 10 - 20 weeks. Read the book I referenced on my blog: "The Demon in the Freezer" and then come back and talk about weighted risk factors.

Weaponized Smallpox and Anthrax exist now and cost relatively little to make, process or store. If the Russian strains of weaponized Smallpox get out then it's lights out for Western Civilization as we know it - for pennies on the dollar compared to nuclear or chemical.

Whats even more frightening (if thats possible) is genetically modified Smallpox for which there is no vaccine possible. That would be the final blackout.

posted by Jesse on January 15, 2005 02:26 PM

"Whats even more frightening (if thats possible) is genetically modified Smallpox for which there is no vaccine possible. That would be the final blackout."

Everyone raise their hand that doesn't think that a bunch of Islamic (The religion of love and peace) terrorists aren't in hot pursuit of just such a weapon right this instant. Hmmmm....I didn't think so.

posted by Vulgorilla on January 15, 2005 09:57 PM

They cut out vacinations at the point that more people die from the vacine than die from the disease. I don't think you really want the shot.

Rick

posted by recondo32 on January 16, 2005 01:08 AM

As one of those one in a million people who's almost guaranteed to die from the smallpox vaccine (or just catch smallpox from it, based on my past history with vaccinations. Yup, I survived measels, mumps, and rubella simultaneously as an infant. Thank God I didn't get a polio shot, or a smallpox shot), I'm really not too comforted by that statistic thrown out. I'm really against the idea of vaccinating the entire country.

If you want a shot, and they make them available, I have no problem at all with everyone who wants one getting one. Just please don't make me get one. It's probably better for me and everyone else that it stay that way.

I don't know how I keep ending up being that one person out of the million/billion, whatever. Why does it have to be over scary stuff instead of winning the lottery, though?

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posted by March Madness on March 10, 2005 07:15 PM

« Hide Comments

posted by Key on 05:56 PM | Comments (15)

Ode to Kelley

Kelley my friend, Kelley my dahling is leaving ~~purgatory~~ blogworld, and I am already feeling the loneliness given the void.

So, in my whiny despair, I have decided to reach out by song, and this is in a strictly platonic way mind you, as she and I have agreed not to become lesbian luvahs until our next lives:

Kelley my darling, you are my sunshine;
When we're together I feel fine.
Your smile is so lovely; your hair is so clean;
You make me feel that the whole world is mine.
Kelley, Kelley, Kelley, Kelley, Kelley, Kelley, Kelley, Kelley,
Kelley, Kelley, Kelley, Kelley, K-E-L-L-E-Y ...
Why? Because you're

Kelley, Kelley, Kelley, Kelley, Kelley, Kelley, Kelley,
Kelley, Kelley, Kelley, Kelley, Kelley,
Kelley of mine!

Mine, Mine, Mine, Mine, Mine, Mine, Mine, Mine,
Mine, Mine, Mine, Mine, Mine, Mine, Mine, Mine,
... Mine!

Source: Cheers, edited for spelling accuracy

(Heh, I love that song. Eric, you gotta do honors of singing that one to Kel at the meet!)

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 12:37 PM | Comments (6)

BUI Disclaimer

I am blogging and working under the influence.

It just took me about 15 seconds to find the return key. Heh.

It's supposed to be a mild muscle relaxer. I'll have to tell my doctor that he and I define the term differently.

If you would like to cuss me out, I suggest you do so within the next four hours, while I don't give a flying duck.

The only reason I mention this is because I continue to drop comments despite my less than articulateness, so I thought I'd run a disclaimer.

WHY? Why you ask, am I driven to self-medicating? I have abandonment issues that I'm working through.

Bear with me.

(HEH! Told ya I reserved the right to pout! ...But heartfelt post is forthcoming, must be lucid.)

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 02:59 PM | Comments (8)

Divorce Saves Lives

Seriously. It does.

While I do not believe that matrimony should be a revolving door, I am grateful that I live in an age where divorce is at least an option. This appreciation was particularly driven home after I watched a special on the evolution of poison last week.

Back in the days of the Roman food tester, there lived several reasons for their employment. They were poison assassins for hire. And while any ranking official kept his guard up at all times, these assassins mostly specialized in the service of spouse removal.

Over the years, of course, poison became readily available and the assassins were out of a job. Wife and mistress one day, wife under the house and cruise with the mistress the next. Divorce was just not done. Desperate times called for desperate measures...

Even given the fine-tuning of forensics these days providing an additional deterrent, I believe the stats would none-the-less be quite different had divorce not evolved into a more viable option. It is criticized for becoming commonplace, and this is true. It has, and that is regrettable. But had it not, I fear that not only would more people be married right about now, more people would also be dead.

Matrimony is dangerous. Why isn't there a mandatory waiting period on purchasing a marriage license? (And I don't mean 72 hours.)

Show Comments »

Are divorce and murder the only two options? What ever happened to good-old fashioned abandonment? That's as American as MacDonald's apple pie thingies.

posted by Velociman on January 12, 2005 09:41 PM

Well, I aint never been made enough at her to want to kill her, but I'm certain, I may have been wished "vanquished" somewhere along the way. As for the waitin' period... I think you gotta just do it... Even though I didn't get married to get divorced, it doesn't mean it won't happen. I don't want it too, but if it does, I won't be the first it's happened to. If that does become the case, then the "One and Done" that Vman writes about tonight would have yet another meaning, now wouldn't it?

posted by RedNeck on January 12, 2005 11:39 PM

I will go with the mandatory waiting period and would also propose a two marriage limit in a life time.

posted by James Old Guy on January 13, 2005 08:11 AM

Marriage has become the only contract in the country that one party can repudiate without the consent of the other party and actually be SUPPORTED in a court of law. That's wrong.

Try the same thing with a debt you owe. Go to court and say, "I'm tired of making these payments and I want out of this contract. I want to keep all the stuff I bought, but I don't want to pay for it."

THAT won't work. But "I want a divorce" will.

posted by Acidman on January 13, 2005 08:58 AM

Rob, watch the poison special, then tell me that you want to FORCE someone to stay with you once they have it in their head they don't want to be there.

I'd rather let someone out of their contract than end up rotting under the house.

posted by Key on January 13, 2005 10:33 AM

Ki (the Japanese word for power by the way) --

A marriage is a contract. So is a divorce. Just an undertanding between two entities who share some common interest. Where it gets complicated in the divorce contract is when there are more than two parties involved in the agreement: children.

I've always said that parenting should be licensed. I know... I know... evil government interfering in our lives again. But look... I have to get a license to drive a car. I have to get a license to fly my plane. I have to have a license to be a suretor. All this licensure is in place to protect those third parties.

Now the problem in failed marraiges is not in the sorrows visited on Brad Pitt and his bride. Imagine if they had kids. Unfortunately, the babies get poisoned too. Sort of a vicious cycle, don't you think?

Think about it.

Bob

posted by Bob Baird on January 13, 2005 11:35 AM

That's why I didn't bring the typical family into this scenario. I'll give you that most "married with childrens" wouldn't KILL just because they felt trapped.

But some would.

And I think kids are better off with two divorced parents than with one in the ground and one in jail. You just can't force people to stay together. If divorce were not an option, more people would be dead. That is my only (admittedly dark) point.

I'm not praising or pooping it really, just saying more people would be dead. It's a stark realization really, and one I thought worthy of sharing, as sometimes we fail to see the obvious.

License to parent? Heh, no, will never happen. But I had to take a three month course, get a blood test, and get finger-printed for a criminal background check before I could be approved to foster the children of those without a friggin clue.

I didn't mind though. It's my bandaid on the gusher.

posted by Key on January 13, 2005 01:26 PM

I dunno... either divorce or poison seems like a stretch to me. I see SOME middle ground.

posted by Acidman on January 13, 2005 02:04 PM

Middle ground has been done. I'm discussing extremes here.

posted by Key on January 13, 2005 02:57 PM

And just where might that middle ground be, Rob? If someone wants out of a marriage, they want OUT. By that time, the instigator of the divorce has had plenty of time to justify this action for whatever reasons. No amount of begging, pleading, whining, cajoling, anger, lashing, vitriol or threats will do anything but make it worse.

You have a son to think of...try to make things as easy for him as possible.

Cease hostilities with ex-wife. Unless she is a total bitch, the results might surprise you.

This from one that has been there...take it for what it's worth.

posted by Wayne on January 13, 2005 03:24 PM

I dunno...I still think the whole kill scenario is a bit harsh. I would think more people would be living ALONE...vs killing the spouse.

posted by Moogie on January 13, 2005 03:51 PM

Hmmm, thinking like Velociman huh? Okay, maybe that too. So without divorce as an option, we have dead people AND we have folks taking off and shacking up elsewhere.

Heh.

Doesn't anybody like the waiting period for marriage?

posted by Key on January 13, 2005 04:20 PM

Starry-eyed idiots do NOT want to wait. They are quite sure that God, fate and the magnetic flux of the Earth's core have willed them to live forever as true soulmates...horseshit.

I'll guarantee that, were they forced to live apart for a year, 98% would find another "soulmate".

Wisdom imparted from atop the tallest ridge in East Tennessee...so be it.

posted by Wayne on January 13, 2005 04:44 PM

Who said anything about shacking up? I was just talking about running away from home.

posted by Velociman on January 13, 2005 05:48 PM

Forgive me, the cynic in me assumed the next step. I'm sure you'd be headed straight to the monastery.

posted by Key on January 13, 2005 05:52 PM

For absolute proof of the fact that "Divorce Saves Lives", check out this fabulous short-short story "The Chaser" by John Collier at

http://web.csuchico.edu/~ah24/chaser.htm

posted by MrJimm on January 17, 2005 11:16 AM

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posted by Key on 05:37 PM | Comments (16)
» Electric Venom links with: Blog Bites

Where's My Anna Nicole Smith Thread?

Suckers! I'm just the diversion while Velociman runs for cover.

But I do have a question: Would she and Howard Stern not make a handsome couple?

Heh.

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posted by Key on 11:32 PM | Comments (9)

A Different Argument

And I've been advised by those who know and love me not to go here, but as I find myself writing the same thing over and over in response to personal emails, I thought I'd save myself some time.

Yes, the NCLB Act post went a bit awry. I included a number that ended up being a figure of mass distraction, and the argument somehow evolved into convincing me that 13 tardies is a problem.

Okay, I knew that already. There's no fight there.

And I understand that some parents are to blame for these things. But for some reason, I assumed that my friends and readers knew me well enough to know better. I mean, come on, it's my fault ya think I'm gonna post on it?

I don't advertise my shortcomings. I'm a better marketer than that. Give me a little credit.

But in response to concerned inquiries, I gave up the following:

Here is a breakdown of the 13 tardies to the best of my recollection:
Late because Mom was running late - twice (This is why I don't drive in the morning. Her dad does, and he's a punctual freak. I wrote a note accepting responsibility each of these times, particularly since one of these two times I was sick as a dog.)

Late because Miss Priss HATED everything in her closet, was fighting with her best friend, hadn't finished a homework assignment she hadn't told us about until THAT morning, or otherwise stalling to go to school - five times

A series of dental visits that I THOUGHT made sense to schedule first thing, and assumed they'd be excused and wouldn't count against her. - four times

Dr appts, same story. - two times

That is not a justification, nor a life habit which I endorse, nor an invitation for a critique. It's just life, and sometimes it'll get in the way of even the best intentions.

And yes, the goal is punctuality. And there are a couple of points here. The first is that it would help if a distinction were drawn between excused and unexcused tardies.

Here's how it worked when I was a kid, and for some reason I assumed today was no different:

EXCUSED tardy - As a child, this was a glory dance. This meant that it was not my fault. My mother walked inside the school, signed me in, and provided either a doctor's note, or her own personal note explaining that I was late through no fault of my own. These did not count against my total number of tardies.

UNEXCUSED tardy - The shame... I was dropped with no note, no explanation, without which it was my fault by default. I sat out of recess until I could write "I will not be late to school" 25 times. And if a child is late because they are dragging ass or being an ass, this is exactly what they should be doing. Double jeopardy in fact, as in her case, it will be disciplined at home as well.

Having said that, the second point is that there will always be a difference of opinion as to how to prioritize within the home. For example, if Miss Priss is having a horrible morning (emotional as opposed to attitudinal), and in her eight year old mind, she is convinced that waiting for her at that school is the crisis of her life, I'm going to sit down with her until she's calm. She'll be late as a result. I won't give a shit. I'm a mom first, and I won't apologize for that. She usually loves school, and bops out early no problem, so this behavior is out of character. And yeah, if tardies were excusable these days, I'd write a note saying that she was ill that morning.

The husband, on the other hand, does not see tears as a hindrance to punctuality, nor does he draw a distinction between spoiled brat tears and tears of overwhelming anxiety. If there's nothin' broken, get your ass in gear. He is not ashamed of this mentality, and like so many who fit the description, will be happy to tell you as much.

And I'm not glorifying my position or dogging his. This is just the way it is, and the balance is probably good, even if neither of us can appreciate it at the time.

But I'm glad that I have compassion in that area, particularly since I am not a terribly compassionate person; I just have a soft spot for children, particularly mine. I also remember the social stresses of school, and they in no way compare the social stresses of the workplace. The latter is a walk in the park relatively speaking, and I can, and likely will write a post on that issue alone.

Meanwhile, this issue is fatigued. It's going to bed.

(How the blog opera ended? Heh, I knew some of you rubbahneckahs were only coming back to see if Acidman and I were done fightin'. We are. Sorry, we're getting too old for this. We're spent. We've agreed to disagree regarding the punctuality obsession, and I fully realize that he'll come down on the side of my husband given the situation mentioned above. And that is fine. I think they're both freaks. Heh. Only kidding, it is an admirable personality trait. I will give him that. Having said that, GAWD I hope he's late to the next meet! There will be no end to that hell...)

Show Comments »

I know i'm late to this, but as a mom, I just had to express my support for you. I'm a working mom. At present, I'm raising 2 kids, an 11 year old, and a 6 year old. Six months ago, we also took on raising my 10 year old niece. A month ago, her 16 year old brother moved in.

We've got a house full of kids and more than full-time jobs.

So, we've been tardy several times in the last 6 months. Sue me.

It happens. Life happens.

But, that shyte about the doctor/dentist appointments is REALLY what gets on my last good nerve.

Back when I was a kid, all my mom had to do was say that we had an appointment, and all was excused. All she had to do was write a note.

But not today. Oh, no. Parents can't be trusted to make decisions that are in the best interests of their children. So, mommies and daddies like you and I can't just take them to appointments, but we must bring a note to excuse their tardy.

I refuse. I flat out refuse. I refuse to be treated like some sort of irresponsible parental retard who can't be trusted. So, my kids each have unexcused tardies and absences for going to the doctor/dentist.

Screw em.

Catz

posted by catzmeow on January 10, 2005 05:00 PM

catz: hell yeah!

posted by jessica on January 10, 2005 05:43 PM

Key, this is your own little piece of the world into which you can pour out any and all thoughts and feelings that may arise.

No explanation, nay justification, for those thoughts/feelings/posts are required.

I just feel badly that you became the target of so many, for so little.

posted by jmflynny on January 10, 2005 05:47 PM

I appreciate that Flynny, and I thought about that, which accounts for the hesitation to revisit the topic.

But I posted this cuz I wanted to.

(And Catz, I can't even get these things striked WITH a doctor's note!)

posted by Key on January 10, 2005 06:19 PM

I am always on time or early unless I am intentionally f**king with someone. That happens more than you might think. I give the message, they get it, hopefully. But I have the luxury of not being responsible getting the chirren to school, too. I'd have them 5 minutes late every day just to screw with a gummint school bureaucrat.

posted by Velociman on January 10, 2005 07:13 PM

I agree with the flynnster. I dont think you owe anyone on your friggin blog an explanation for anything you do or anything you choose to post about.

posted by Mr. Helpful on January 10, 2005 07:40 PM

I, too, am one of those psychotically punctual people. I hate to admit it, but I am - it was drilled into my by my father, with an iron drillbit. However, when one has little kids, sometimes shit happens. You can drag them kicking and screaming out of the house well before you need to be on the road - and STILL be late, because some dumb fucker on a tractor is pooting down the road at the height of rush hour. Or you have to go back inside and change because the baby just vomited all over you. Or you get all the way to school and your kid forgot her science paper and will get an F on a major project if you don't go back and get it. Which would you pick? An F on a grade, or a tardy? I'll take TARDY for 1000, Alex - because it's the actual education part of school that comes first.

Anyway. Shit happens with little kids in tow. Even my on-time-or-die ass has had to, on occasion, just let it go, or go mad with frustration. It's part of being a parent.

posted by Queenie on January 10, 2005 07:41 PM

"But I posted this cuz I wanted to."

That's the only reason you need!

posted by jmflynny on January 10, 2005 08:19 PM

Flynny, I am slack. I can't believe I didn't roll you when I rolled Dash!

I'm goin... Give me 48 hours. I'm thinking the dreaded serious overhaul this time. I may even *gulp* remove Bejus. I don't think he's coming back this time. :(

posted by Key on January 10, 2005 08:33 PM

Key, the only thing I can suggest is that you talk to your school superintendent. This is NOT a national policy. My kids' school certainly has never called me on the carpet for them being tardy, so I suspect this is a LOCAL INTERPRETATION of national guidance.

Most schools have site-based management. It's entirely possible that this was a decision by the school administration at your local school as a result of a mandate that came down from their district to reduce tardies and absenteeism.

The problem is that they are going about this the wrong way...THey're doing it like the frigging IRS. Thousands of people in the U.S. pay no income taxes at all, they don't even bother to file. Does the IRS hassle them? Maybe, very very rarely if they get some sort of tip that this person isn't paying.

Mostly, they hassle the rest of us who go to the trouble of actually trying to do the right thing and pay our taxes.

There really are parents out there who don't give a rat's ass if their kid is in school or not. I know this because I work with them for a living.

But you and I aren't those parents. However, those parents are much harder to motivate than we are. So, the school is, to put it bluntly, fugging with you because THEY CAN. You'll take it and perhaps even do something about it.

I doubt they are wasting this much time and energy on the parents of the chronic truants. I'd seriously, again, suggest a phone call to your superintendent about this fugged up policy.

Tell him to do his job and actually prosecute the parents of chronic truants versus hassling the folks who are actually trying to be good parents.

Catz

posted by catzmeow on January 11, 2005 09:46 AM

Just to add my two cents...I would be on the side of your spousal unit on this one....BUT....having a few years of marital experience (yeah, I am on wife #2 right now, just means a wider *variety* of experience..so there), I think you may have hit on a valid point....that you feel one way and the hubby is in the other camp...is in and of itself, not a bad thing...the kidlet needs to see balance and traditionally "the mom" was the comfort zone, and "the dad" was the "if it ain't broke or bleeding" you'd better get your butt in gear and make it to school...things are all black or white...and ...well, you know, "the dad". I got a feeling you two will raise one hell of a good kid there. I remember the excused and unexcused absences too...it helps when you are *tight* with the attendance lady in the office.

posted by Guy S. on January 11, 2005 01:10 PM

At the risk of sounding like I've had more Scotch than I really have this evening, I have one simple thing to say to you: Fuck 'em all... you don't need to justify a damn thing to those who know you, and to those who don't, tell them to take a good look, because you are you who are, and if they don't like it, they can go to Hell without the benefit of an apology from you or a handbasket.

And that is MY $0.02... not that I'm as conservative as you, but I'm too old to deal with the shit that other people try to impose on me.

posted by Jack on January 12, 2005 03:37 PM

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posted by Key on 04:48 PM | Comments (12)
» Inblognito links with: Work

Must Have Been a Hell of a Weekend

There are a couple of folding chairs in my yard, and a bathrobe is dangling out of the tree nearest the street...

Nice.

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 08:22 AM | Comments (6)

So A Duck Walks Into A Bar...

...sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.

The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. "What'll it be?" the bartender says.

The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes." "Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want."

The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. "Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes."

The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!"

The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, "I'll have the grapes."

The bartender, enraged, shouts, "If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered ass to the barstool!!"

The bartender cools off a bit. "Now what will you get?!" "Got any nails?" "OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?"

"Good, got any grapes?"

Source: My Fun Portal

...Heh, stupid, but made me laugh. Levity is a wonderful thing, no?
One more...

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posted by Key on 09:13 PM | Comments (9)

The No Child Left Behind Act

...still has a few kinks to iron out. It is good. The goals are good. The intent is good.

Still. Let's let some of the schools make a judgment call or two.

For example, this morning, 9AM, the phone rang at my house, and the caller ID said GYM:

GYM: Mrs. Monroe?

ME: Yes?

GYM: This is Mr. so-and-so, your daughter's gym teacher. We are dividing up names of parents to call regarding tardies.

ME: Uh-huh...

GYM: According to The No Child Left Behind Act, we must call parents when I child has more than 5 tardies in one academic year.

ME: Yes, I was so informed when she hit nine tardies back in November.

GYM: Well, now she has thirteen, and well [sheepishly], we have to call. We also have to tell you that excessive tardies can seriously hamper the educational progress of your child....

ME: Yeah, okay, thanks.

She can have twenty absences a year, she can't have more than five tardies? She's had less than three per month, and it's been a matter of her getting there at 8 instead of 7:50, unless she's had an appointment.

Not a bad idea, not at all, but it needs some tweaking. I have my shit together, as do most of the parents at my daughter's school, and the teachers realize this. They wasted their day, and I don't enjoy being scolded.

And make no mistake, that WAS the intent of the phone call. Had it been an eighth grader, it would have been a heads up. Third grade? It's a scolding, and it's ridiculous, particularly given that I am a parent of an advanced, straight A student, who has missed maybe two days of school this academic year.

Maybe I have no basis for my agitation, but given my knowledge of unpunished sorriness, I seriously feel the effort misdirected. The teachers should be allowed to selectively call parents, rather than being forced into an across the board sweep.

(I moved the "Update" into the extended entry. It is an angry, reactive rant that lacks cohesion with the point of the story. That point being -for those who missed it- that although I do not encourage allowing tardiness to go unpunished at any age, I disagree with federal legislature that mandates local policy changes across the board rather than where needed. In many areas, as mine as well as the town in the linked article, it's not only fixing something that ain't broke, it's generating more bureaucratic bullshit. I'm also guessing that this program is almost as expensive as it is annoying.)

Show Comments »

i come down on the side of "there is no basis for your agitation".

just say thank you, hang up the phone, dont give it another thought and go about your business of being the best mom you can be....

posted by mr. helpful on January 7, 2005 06:44 PM

I did.

I only vented here. And while I'd be saying the same thing perhaps as you had I just read this rant elsewhere, I will continue to resent the scolding if ya don't mind. ; )

Heh.

And that's particularly since last time it was a face to face scolding at a PTM meeting. This is a 5 minute "canned scold" that they are required to deliver. And it's embarrassing for both teacher and parent, particularly if they are FRIENDS, and said teacher just spent 15 minutes raving about your model child. This never happened before THIS year.

I want to support everything the man I voted for has a hand in, and I'm sure most of my readers are in that boat as well. I'm not dogging the program. I just think it needs tweaking.

Maybe 10 tardies per semester before freaking out, which is a more reasonable number to separate the serious from the slack, as the slack-ass parents will have earned their child 10 tardies, if not absences, month one.

And why not allow that kid who is 19 [article I linked] back in school to repeat his senior year? Sure he's 19 and still in HS, but I can't blame him for opting against a GED if at all possible.

Trust me, I want it to work. But it needs to be tweaked. And yes, I will give you that the story I link provides a more compelling argument! ; )

posted by Key on January 7, 2005 07:15 PM

i gave up trying to figure out the logic behind the school system a long time ago...heh heh heh

posted by mr. helpful on January 7, 2005 08:10 PM

There is no commons sense in education today. Everything is chiseled in stone and parents and kids alike are expected to toe the line.

posted by Circa Bellum on January 7, 2005 09:52 PM

Sorry, Key, but I disagree. Tardiness is a symptom of a pure, lazy-assed lack of discipline and it has chapped my ass all my life. In 24 years of work, I was late ONCE, when I overslept after having my shift rotation changed.

You ain't teaching Miss Priss a good lesson by showing her that chronic tardiness ( and YES!!! THIRTEEN TARDIES ARE A PROBLEM) is something narrow-minded pucker-butts become upset about, but not "normal" people.

If you can be there at 8:00, you can be there at 7:50. I FIRED people for the kind of behavior you're attempting to excuse.

That's MY humble opinion.

posted by Acidman on January 7, 2005 09:53 PM

I agree with Acidman. I just think it is disgusting and aggravating when some asshole cannot make it to work on time and I have to sit there and wait, regardless of what I have planned when I leave work. That, and not coming in at all are on equal levels. You are teaching your child to be totally irresponsible to obligations to other people. I don't give a damn what her age is.

posted by Valerie on January 7, 2005 11:10 PM

Late for class? When you go the same route every day, you know how long it takes you to get to school, by the minute.

The kid is late for class, and does not care. It's not rocket science to fix, even a child understands that if you're late, you need to leave earlier.

posted by ErikZ on January 8, 2005 05:43 AM

Ahhh Key, when I first read your post I knew you were in for a problem.

Don't let it get to you, your a great mother and a great blog friend, you know that. I knew what you meant because I actually read your post, not just skimmed it looking for something to be critical about.

I enjoyed the post by the way, and agree with you on the No Child Left Behind Act.

Sorry I didn't comment sooner.

posted by BeeBee on January 8, 2005 09:07 AM

I feel for ya, Key. My kids are never late for school, but my youngest was absent a number of times last year, for legitimately being sick. The school nurse gave me shit for his 'excessive absences' and I gave her shit right back. Out of one side of their mouth, they beg you not to send sick children to school but out of the other side, you're hampering your child's educational progress by keeping them home.

You're an intelligent woman...I'm sure you can find a way to talk to them in such a way as to leave no doubt that you've just told them to bite your ass (my standard reply when crossing swords with school admins usually runs along the lines of, "While I appreciate your concern, *I* am this child's mother and *I* alone know what's best". It usually shuts people up pretty quick and saves me from having to resort to "Your sillyassed, unimportant opinion is duly noted" hehe).

posted by Chablis on January 8, 2005 09:34 AM

Thanks BeeBee Chablis, and I could have been more specific had I felt the urge. I could have separated the number of legitimate tardies from her wardrobe difficulties had I felt it pertinent, but I really didn't care to share that.

I also could have gone on to say that I think it's ridiculous that children are now, due to a serious overcorrection, coddled within the school system. I think it safe to say that most of US were disciplined by the school for our tardies directly.

If it was our fault, we learned from it. It was the fault of our parents, we went home and gave them hell. I'll admit that during my upbringing it was rarely the fault of my parents, and this case is no different. But if discipline is handed from school to parent to child, it simply isn't as effective. (I can't dock 5 minutes of her recess.)

And I could have updated to that effect, but defending myself really wasn't the topic, so I thought it irrelevent.

Besides, when it went south due to unresearched, personal and over the line attack, I decided to go another direction with the update. It was more cathartic anyway.

posted by Key on January 8, 2005 09:45 AM

This post was about the NCLB act, and how Key stands by it, but how it contains some bureaucratic nonsense that should be addressed. How the hell did it turn into a symposium on tardiness, and why do commenters and bloggers feel the right/need to attack her parenting abilities? What the fuck is the matter with you people?

posted by Velociman on January 8, 2005 12:22 PM

Feelgood legislation ALWAYS overreaches. That is why those who value individual freedom usually oppose any new law. We don't usually need it. Once passed, it's nearly impossible to repeal. AND it allows little asswipes like the gym teacher to harrass you, which is the only accomplishment of most social reformers. Quit supporting this crap,folks, no matter how much it tickles your pride in your goodness.

posted by Brett on January 8, 2005 12:42 PM

I think it's great that your daughter has a mother who cares enough to drive her to school, and getting there at 8:00 rather than 7:50 could simply be the result of having to wait in line to drop off your child, couldn't it? It takes several minutes to drop off children at my nephew's school.

posted by Renee on January 8, 2005 01:17 PM

Velociman, the reason the topic got transformed was because your little buddy Rob needs some attention. Like a child, when he gets to feeling sorry for himself he likes to start tossing rocks. I figure he's about 48 hours from something racially charged.

posted by Robert H. on January 8, 2005 01:34 PM

The problem, as I see it, is that a kid would get kicked to the curb permanently by his school for carrying a pocketknife. It ain't an automatic weapon, people - when I was in high school, lo these many years ago now, a boy who didn't have a pocketknife on 'im was a big old pansy wussy-boy. In-school knifings were virtually unheard-of, too.

Did the kid STAB someone with his Swiss Army or whatever? No. Did he threaten someone? No. He was just carrying one, just in case he needed to, oh, open a box or clip his fingernails, or help that cute girl across the aisle in Math Class cut the tag on her new angora sweater...mrrow...and he gets thrown out on his ear? That's where I call bullshit in this story.

I have WAY more of a problem with the PC-bullshit "zero tolerance" mentality in this story than I do the fact that a kid his age can't get back in school. We didn't get "zero tolerance" from No Child, people. We got that shit from Mr. Clinton's ideology. If the kid is an A/B student with no record of problems in school, WTF is up with EVICTING the poor bastard because he carries a tool?

On another note: Key, my Momma, you know this isn't about you. We all know Rob gets PMS every month or so, writes mean shit, and has a pity-party. Most of us love him in spite of this, not because of it, a distinction that I'm not sure he appreciates. Anyway...I'm sorry you got caught in the crosshairs, and I'm sure that when Rob reads this comment, it'll be me next month. So - look on the bright side! You get a month off! ;)

Sorry for the book. This whole thing - including the personal attack stuff - has me a little riled up.

posted by Queenie on January 8, 2005 01:34 PM

Acidman was a little rough there, but he's right on point. We are judged by the smallet of things...if I can't trust you to be where you should be on time, then with what CAN I trust you? Little things, but they do make a big difference in the way others perceive.

As to the NCLB bullshit...at best it's as described, just "warm-fuzzy feel good" legislation. At worst...well, you got caught in it. It was designed to force fat-assed welfare minorities to get their whelp to school, not that that would change anything. You can't teach perpetual predators anything other than how to be smarter perpetual predators. I digress...

You got called because you fit within the guidelines, i.e. habit of tardiness. Feel good about NCLB now?

Still...13 TIMES??? That just begs the question...

posted by Wayne on January 8, 2005 02:03 PM

To be honest, I had half a mind to dispute the number. I was just told nine before the break. It doesn't seem possible. I may have to start scheduling dentist and doctor in the afternoon, which accounts for at least five of the ones she's accrued thus far.

But the number doesn't matter, and certainly doesn't justify a personal attack. The point is the teacher knew me, knew that there was no grievance with me, but was FORCED to pick up the phone and deliver a sermon. It's just friggin stupid.

It's also stupid that I'm going to have to start yanking her out of school in the afternoons for appointments because there is no longer a distinction drawn between "excused" and "unexcused" tardies as there was when I was a kid.

As for Acidman, he missed the point on purpose. He likes to lecture me, and his fan club likes to watch. (Perhaps he could be employed to make phonecalls on behalf of the NCLB Act.)

posted by Key on January 8, 2005 02:58 PM

As an educator (whose particular position doesn't directly need to deal with tardies and absences) (and who doesn't necessarily agree with the NCLB Act), I think part of the reason the school calls the parents to deal with the tardies is because of how society in general acts these days.

Would you not be upset if your daughter had been directly disciplined (which may have only been a stern talking-to) at school? In my experience, many parents get bent out of shape if an educator even thinks of admonishing a student for not following the rules. We live in a time where many parents subscribe to the "Not MY child" or "Someone Has to Be Responsible, But It Certainly Isn't Me or My Child" trains of thought. In short, people no longer take responsibility for things they should be taking responsibility for.

Further, when a student is late to a class and the teacher has already given directions or gone through a number of actions that directly affect the tardy student (such as collecting or passing back papers, taking roll call, etc.), the teacher then has to stop what he or she is doing and restate directions or redo certain tasks to accomodate the tardy student, thereby doing a disservice to those students who arrived on time and wasting their time and the teacher's time. All of those minutes add up to lost instructional time in the long run. Ultimately, the tardy student is learning that it doesn't matter if they're on time or not, because they will be accomodated and move on. They'll learn that promptness isn't necessary in life. That, in turn, will not bode well for them in life.

Rather than get upset over the phone calls and the fact that certain tardies fall into certain categories (wardrobe issues, doctor/dentist appointments, traffic issues, etc.), now is the time to work on this issue with your daughter. I don't think it's necessary to tell you how to stop these annoying phone calls in the future. Aside from that, you'll be helping your daughter prepare for her future in the corporate world and life in general by learning how to get herself together and to appointed places on time.

posted by Just A Reader on January 8, 2005 06:37 PM

After I thought about it, and wrote about it, I don't think the head buttin' is needed. I agree with the point of too PC. That is for sure. I just think, that bein' late for school is something that you can't single out blame on parent or child, but rather both. Key, I'm not assaultin' you parenting skils. I would never do that. But when you look at a problem, you gotta find an answer. Yes, government has their heads too far up our dark places some times, but damn, to call you out on it for YOUR child bein' late, that's wrong. Don't they have something better to do? Find Osama. He's been absent for about 20 minutes too long. But, when adolescents grow older and become part of the workforce, repeated tardiness is not tolerated. It can't be. The LNCB deal, I must admit, to my knowledge, I've not been touched much by it. But from what you're saying, they didn't need to call you up, or out, on it. It's YOUR child. Damn... I think that a lot of this exists for folks that might not be facin' the issue you're speakin' of. What I don't like about the whole thing is the fact that some teacher is made to play guard dog, and guard dog is trained that the (all)parent(s) is the perp for these kinds of things. If all parents were "perps", then they(teachers) may be forced into executing as a train of thought, an action they may not agree with, but must do as part of "their" job. Our children are people we love. You don't do things to cause them harm, or pain. They, most times, are of our loins. They are your blood. I agree with the fact that I/you don't need somebody callin' me tellin' me my child was late, because, when/if they are, I'm the one carryin' 'em to school. That act, in my cirucmstances is a pain in the ass, and I don't like it any better then the teacher havin' to call me does. But they have to. That's wrong. It's mandated. Why NOT put the "common sense factor" back into the equation? Are there really that many people that lack it nowadays?

posted by RedNeck on January 8, 2005 07:06 PM

I am floored.

I had NO idea there were so many opinions on tardiness. Seriously.

Had I known perhaps I would have seen this severe tangent from the point coming.

Regarding the tardies, half a dozen I can't account for, chances are one Miss Priss having a bad morning. The other half was due to my scheduling a series of dental visits plus a couple of Dr. visits first thing. It just made more sense to do it in the morning...I thought.

But apparently there is no longer a distinction drawn between excused and unexcused tardies.

As I said before, guess I'll have to start checking her out early for appointments. Course she's missing the same amount of school.

Yet if it pleases the NCLB Act, I guess I'll oblige.

posted by Key on January 8, 2005 07:39 PM

Why oblige bad law? You'll never get rid of it that way.

posted by Brett on January 8, 2005 10:11 PM

I believe this issue has been put to bed. Praise Jaysus. But may I mention a little something about being late to work?

posted by Velociman on January 8, 2005 11:05 PM

Go for it Vman. Take your pick, comments or keys. I must warn you, people might give you hell. ; )

posted by Key on January 8, 2005 11:15 PM

There are good parts and bad parts to the No Child Left Behind Act (personally, I think the name of the act is one of the bad parts...). I have a good friend who is an elementary school teacher, and through her I have directly seen much of the fallout from the act.

Teaching is complex, and there are many reasons why the educational system in the US is not performing as well as we would like it to, but not ALL of those reasons are related to the teachers and administration of the schools. Unfortunately, the teachers and administration have to try to make up for things that are not under their control and will not be changed by laws.

As you said, Key, some of the effects of the act waste teacher time by forcing them to make phone calls regarding the number of tardies to parents without distinguishing between "excused" and "unexcused" tardies. That is the problem with using federal laws to "fix" a complex issue such as education. It is too blunt a method, like using a sledgehammer to put in a finishing nail, or using a blowtorch to light a birthday cake candle.

So, as I said, there are good parts and bad parts to the NCLB Act, but I wish parents (not you, Key, but what I perceive as the average parents) would remember it is THEY who are ultimately responsible for the education of their children, NOT the government. THAT is the ultimate solution to the "education issue".

posted by Jack on January 9, 2005 03:10 AM

If I made a "personal" attack on you, I regret my actions deeply. I am, after all..."about 48 hours from something racially charged." I would call Mr. Sensitive Robert H. a fucking prick, but I don't want to get personal.

I really hate that nobody ever says anything personal about ME on a blog. I'm just dying to get my twat in a knot about it.

posted by Acidman on January 9, 2005 09:32 PM

I appreciate that, Rob.

I didn't make the claim that NOBODY has ever launched a public, personal attack against you. But I haven't...

posted by Key on January 10, 2005 08:00 AM

Hot Damn that was fun reading. I tried reading The No Child Left Behind Act but I am easily confused, was this written as a comedy or does someone actually think it will work.

posted by James Old Guy on January 10, 2005 08:33 AM

Key, I am a senior in high school (it may seem a little young to be replying to this kind of subject), but i agree with you on behalf of the no child left behind act. I have been researching the act and I have been trying to find a few kinks in it that need to be straightened out. I know about the problems people go through getting to school. No matter WHAT time you leave for school every morning, you still have the minor problems of traffic, weather, suprise gas shortage, clothing problems, and many other difficulties. At my school, they have what you call "tardy sweeps". The administration runs these sweeps about once every two weeks and do nothing to inform the students that there will be one on any certain day. As a matter of fact, we just had one this morning. I understand where you're coming from. The schools can't expect every single student to clear out of the traffic of the hallways and be into class every single day, on time. Also at my school, if you get TWO tardies, they call your parents, and if you get THREE, they send you to detention after school. It's getting a little ridiculous, if you ask me. Allthough I do agree with you on behalf of the tardy issue, I do think that a certain number of tardies is unexceptable. Maybe 20 in an entire school year is too much, but 13 in an entire school year shouldn't be that bad. And bothering the parents about it does nothing, seeing as to how ya'll have your own things to do in the morning, not to mention trying to get your child ready for school. Maybe there should be some kind of "bending" of the rules. Perhaps they could enforce that students be on time, but also allow the few that are late to be late about 5 minutes. There really is no way to fix the no child left behind act, but I just wanted to let you know that, as a student myself, I agree with you.
Or, as teenagers would say, "Right on Key".

posted by Megan on March 15, 2005 08:58 AM

While 3rd grade isn't exactly relevant to my point I'll make it anyway. My biggest beef with the NCLBA is its affect at discouraging excellence. There are other reasons but this is one specifically I had not thought of. Look, I was an excelling student when I was in school, at most levels. And with that excelling came a certain flexibility with the rules.

The teachers at one point taught all the students and really worked with those few that showed a special knack for whatever subject. This simply sounds like a way to remove yet another incentive to excel and earn your stripes as it were.

But that's just my opinion.

posted by Jesse on June 7, 2005 10:16 PM

« Hide Comments

posted by Key on 05:57 PM | Comments (29)
» Gut Rumbles links with: late is late
» RedNeck Ramblings links with: The terrible "T" word

One Nation Under God

Because that is for which the Republic stands.

It is history. It cannot be changed.

But what annoys me FURTHER is one Mr. Michael Newdow's new suit. He believes President Bush shouldn't be allowed to pray during the inauguration due to the Establishment Clause.

WTF-ever.

All I hear is, "I don't want to hear it, therefore you shouldn't be allowed to say it."

Bull. Close your ears, sphincterhead. Yeah, I name-called. Let's get this straight. I DO NOT LIKE THIS GUY.

He is arrogant, controlling, and would for damn sure try to take over the world (with his little pea sized brain) if someone would just give him an inch.

It's not enough that he has the right to choose NOT to pray, a right given him through Separation of Church and State, no, he wants to infringe upon others' right to pray.

One question, isn't it infringed enough?

Separation of church and state was intended to further freedom, not restrict it.

Show Comments »

Please correct me if I am wrong, but that phrase "One Nation Under God" was inserted during the 1950's when Ike was in office. The original pledge went "One Nation, Indivisible". So....under God was added later, during the cold war era when we were doing everything we could to distinguish ourselves from the "godless" communists.

No, I am not a christian, or a believer of any kind, but the phrase does not really bother me, because the word "God" is a generic term, kind of like referring to Beer instead of "Budweiser" or "Samual Adams". One Nation under Yaweh, or Christ, or Allah would be a different matter. God can mean anything you want it to mean, or nothing at all.

Werbinox

posted by werbinox on January 7, 2005 09:14 PM

lol... Oh, Come on Werb. How could you be wrong? I've already admitted to you that I hate research, or was that Jack I copped that to?

Either way, one could argue the definition of history, but I won't. That was only the lead in... It's resolved, well, for now anyway. What's your take on the second bit?

(And please tell me you don't like this worm!)

posted by Key on January 8, 2005 12:44 AM

I am mostly indifferent to Newdow and his crusade. He is definitely the type that gives atheists a bad name (Ha!) as if they didnt have a bad enough reputation already. His attempt makes me think of tilting at a windmill, or declaring war and charging a gopher mound. Nothing is to be proved by his attempt, and all he will accomplish is pissing a lot of people off. Then christians of the paranoid variety can justify their claim that satanic forces are trying to eradicate their rights
The "paranoid" bit is not aimed at you, Key; I do not think you are paranoid. I work with a guy who thinks christians are about to be rounded up in boxcars by the UN, and that is paranoid.
As far as praying, I dont think anyone can ever take away your ability to do that. If God exists as he is portrayed by the major religions, he will hear you in your mind. No one can stop you from praying anytime and anywhere you want, provided you dont do it for show and stand on a chair and shout at everybody. A child can say a private prayer in school whenever she wants, if she truly believes God will hear her. This being said, we must not allow the government and its totalitarian inclinations to erode any more of our freedoms. Enough have been lost already.

Werb

posted by werbinox on January 8, 2005 02:29 AM

For the record, I am not an Atheist. An atheist say's that God does not exist in the same way a believer say's God does exist. In reality nobody knows, and I wish they would just admit it. Faith is an admission that knowledge is lacking, so it attempts to bridge the chasm by believing, and does so because it chooses to believe, or thinks that it must. Hey, that is fine with me! People are free to believe whatever they want.
A belief is a thought in your head, and if we condemn people for thoughts in their head, we are advocating a new class of criminals - thought criminals (which is, incidentally, part of my problem with the christian God - He condemns me for a thought in my mind - not believing in him!)

When it comes to the Judeo Christian God, or Allah, or any other invention of religion, I can call myself an Atheist because I do not believe in those versions of God. But is there something out there that is a primary source of all creation (like cosmic DNA) that could be labelled "God"? Maybe....I do not know...and no one really knows. What we choose to believe is such a personal matter, and it should be viewed as undignified to fight about it.
I respect your right to believe whatever you choose, and would go to war to defend that right. Without it, none of us would be free.

Werby - Clause

posted by werbinox on January 8, 2005 02:44 AM

I hope I meet this guy in a dark, back alley some cold night. I have a Louisville Slugger hidden in the back of my closet that I'd like to limber up over his bones as I hear each of them break and splinter. I'll be praising the Lord with every swing of the bat for giving me such an opportunity.

posted by Vulgorilla on January 8, 2005 02:46 PM

I love to meet "real" christians and representatives of God's love such as yourself.
Are you for real, or are you just a bullshitter?

I do hope to meet you in the way you propose. I will take that bat and stick it stick it up your @$#%$%& and turn you into- a popsicle; and then we will make violent love.

Werbinox

posted by werbinox on January 8, 2005 08:36 PM

I apologize, Key, for whatever I have done to inspire such a foul little imp to desecrate your site with his impotent brain sewage.

Some bleeding heart shrink let monkey boy out way too early.

Randall P MacMurphy

posted by werbinox on January 8, 2005 09:12 PM

WOW, baseball bats, violant love and lots of words about a really stupid human. Newdow is just looking for a quick buck, and I wouldn't waste my time with a baseball bat, bullets are cheaper and faster. Werbinox, I am not a die hard christian but I am sick and tired of worthless ass holes like Newdow wasting the countries time with a lawsuits that are total bullshit.

posted by James Old Guy on January 10, 2005 08:20 AM

Werb, I think Vulg was talking about Newdow, not you.

posted by McGehee on January 10, 2005 11:44 PM

Yeah, you are probably right. My paranoid megalomania got in the way and saw it differently. How could he not be talking about me, I asked, when I deserve his hatred? Am I itching for a xxxfight in a dark alleyway?

.....naw, I replied, I need a real enemy, one who will soften me up with friendship and beer and cigars before delivering the fatal blow. Friendship is where they really get ya!

Werbinox S. Burroughs

posted by Werbinox on January 20, 2005 04:43 AM

« Hide Comments

posted by Key on 05:35 PM | Comments (10)

Putting a Face on the Bloggers

Catfish sent a few pictures my way today. Heh... I'll work on cropping and such and will post a few tomorrow, if Cat doesn't beat me to it.

Want a preview?

Okay.

ME? My roots are showing and I look like I had been smoking something that I HADN'T. I'm just mellow naturally. Seriously. (Sober as a judge, and unfortunately, I'm not joking about that.)

YOU! There is a pic of you handing me something. I have no idea what, but SOMEONE has his eye on it, whatever it was. Or maybe he just likes to watch.

Next up, YOU, again. One with your lovely wife, and one with your lovely BOYFRIEND, who is nipping at your ear.

Heh. Don't think I'm not posting that.

Update/disclaimer: The Straight Guy denies any extramarital association with the Velociraptor. In fact he wasn't even there on the night in question. Any evidence I have to the contrary must be Photoshopped, and if I choose to go public with it, I get to have an exclusive date with the Staight Attorney.

Heh. I just have one question for you. Is he cute?

(As for MY pic... Hey, why should I show mine if they're not gonna show theirs?)

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 06:45 PM | Comments (8)

Ashlee Simpson, Bless Her Heart

That's all I have to say about that.

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 04:39 PM | Comments (9)

Tossin' and Turnin'

I was having trouble sleeping last night. I blame blogworld.

So I lay in bed on my side and stared at my snoring husband.

My orange tabby, typically a lazy bum, was restless as well. She was on the prowl. She furtively traced the perimeter of the bed, jumped up, then continued her pace.

Something to do, something to do...(how nice it must be to sleep all day and play all night.)

I felt little paws start at my ankle and walk themselves up and over my back, and when she came into view again, she had lowered to a haunched slink. Prowl, indeed...

She made her way to ~~Shrek's~~ the husband's pillow, where she employed every ounce of her grace and stealth as she positioned herself adjacent his head.

As this is atypical behavior for my beloved pet, I watched with increasing curiosity as she put her face to his, nose to nose. I'm convinced that she held her breath, as he had no knowledge of her presence. Satisfied, she pulled back a centimeter or so before releasing the sandpapery tongue upon her prey.

She unloaded half a dozen fast and furious licks upon the end of his nose before the assault registered and a dazed, confused, and angry ~~ogre~~ husband with squinted eyes and spiked hair, jolted upright and tried to focus on the source of his sleep disruption.

He failed of course, rolled over, and drifted off as his evil wife cackled in the background.

Heh. The things that amuse me at 2am...

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 04:33 PM | Comments (8)

Are You Too Busy For God?

A woman of Faith I am. A woman of picking up your Holy Bible and smacking it upside thy brother's brow, I am not.

A country mile down the road from my horse country dial-up dwelling, I watched a church building go up a few months ago. I use the term "building" loosely.

Two large, white double-wides were planted the right geometrical distance apart, so as to allow for a joining of their rooftops overhead, and to further allow the space between them to be built in for use as the auditorium.

And I must hand it to them, for a tight budget and a small congregation, that was creative.

Now they have a sign up in an attempt to draw people in. Here's their clever acronym:

B-eing
U-nder
S-atan's
Y-oke

Heh. A little harsh, no? Wait til I tell my husband, children, real estate customers, carpool, in-laws, and dermatologist that they are tools of Satan! (Bloggers? Whew, admittedly that one's iffy.)

So harsh, but effective. I'm thinking I might show for services Sunday morning.

(I'll wear some glittery red horns and have the husband on a rhinestone-studded leash.)

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 07:30 PM | Comments (19)
» Velociworld links with: Matters of Faith
» Inblognito links with: Queenie Does Religion
» Round the Fire links with: Religion in America
» Gut Rumbles links with: on religion
» A Single Southern Guy In America links with: Calling On My Neighbors
» Moogies World links with: Praise the Lord and Pass the Peanuts

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

Miss Priss learned a "new" word at school today.

The shame. I have dropped the ball. My eight year old has never seen Mary Poppins...

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 06:58 PM | Comments (3)

Tsunami Pictures

Separating fact from fiction.

A BBC pic, I'm assuming this one FACT. Plus it's an awesome shot, worthy of sharing.

FICTION, a Photoshopper fo sho. And might I add, both sloppy AND insensitive... Notice, half of these people are smiling. They may be running, but not for their lives.

I'm not sure about this one, but it is beautiful, and therefore worthy of inclusion. This one may be my new wallpaper. (Thanks to Anna S., my faithful forwarder, for supplying that one.)

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 04:51 PM | Comments (8)

Best Sign At The Outback Bowl

For those of you who shamefully missed it, this was my Jawja Dawgs and the Wisconsin Badgers.

The sign read: WELCOME TO THE CHEESE AND CRACKER BOWL

Heh.

Show Comments »

The best sign I saw was the scoreboard at the end of the game. Crackers 24, Cheeseheads 21.

posted by Acidman on January 4, 2005 03:28 PM

Calling my Dawgs crackers usually wouldn't fly in my book, but in this case, it is too funny.
(...particularly given that at least half of these Dawgs are anything but white. : D)

posted by Key on January 4, 2005 04:56 PM

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FIX THIS "Remember personal info?" shit?

Damn! Eric has the same problem, or is it the MU* "stuff?"

Anyway, what I was going to say is that was very clever on the part of the cheeseheads. At least, they can take a joke.

posted by Sam on January 4, 2005 05:28 PM

Ow. Sammy Baby layin the smack down on my ass! I guess it's a moonu thang.

It'll hold it for me here at the office, but at home, it dumps it every time, so it must take a lenient setting to hold the cookie.

That's all I can figger. Understand, I'm a techtard. I will have to consult Queenie (my moonu with a tech-clue) on this issue.

posted by Key on January 4, 2005 05:46 PM

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posted by castingcouchteens on July 31, 2005 11:51 AM

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posted by Key on 10:05 PM | Comments (5)

Give Me Chocolate, Or Give Me Sex

Because Lord knows I could use an endorphin release.

Endorphins, chemicals produced in the brain in response to a variety of stimuli, may be nature's cure for high levels of stress.
The release of endorphins upon ingestion of chocolate likely explains the comforting feelings that many people associate with this food and the craving for chocolate in times of stress. ...Sex is also a potent trigger for endorphin release.

See? I wasn't kidding. Pardon me while I grab the M&M's.

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 09:08 PM | Comments (7)

Tsunami Dreams

The news, the pictures, the numbers, the inability to process it all... It has just seemed surreal. And, believe me, I hesitate to use such an overused - trite even - term, but I'm using it more appropriately than the teenagers from Dawson's Creek anyway.

I have had giant tidal wave dreams for as long as I can remember. Not every night, but occasionally and consistently since childhood. The giant wave always hits a small town, and I'm always standing on the edge of the town closest the shore. I see the wave, and I run. And everyone around me runs and screams and falls over each other, yet keeps looking back.

Why do that? It slows you down, right? We have to see it. We have to see the magnificent freak of nature (that is about to consume us) hit the shore. And each time, just as the wave is about to swallow me, and I can take no more of the sheer panic that is jolting my system, I wake.

So I stared at the coverage in disbelief as this nightmare of a dream came to life and stole tens of thousands of lives.

And I sure as hell wasn't going to write about it. I had nothing to say. Humbled by nature I was.

But however daunting Ma Nature, it is we humans who must clean up after her. Where to start, what to do?

Bodies. That got me. I understand and reluctantly agree with the necessity of the burn piles and mass graves, but I don't like it.

And I do not glorify the body once the life is removed and the soul is no longer there, but I believe that even the most minimal respect for the dead demands identification.

So when Velociman tackled the topic, I was comforted (in more than one way) when the following comment was posted:

Cholera is an almost automatic consequence of leaving decomposing bodies exposed longer than absolutely necessary.
There are teams in Thailand taking a finger or tissue sample from unidentified bodies to hopefully provide later identification for next of kin.

The luxury of "dignified" burial is not available. The Thais will nod politely at these requests (orders) by the Euros, and will get on with the job.

I can't believe that I am actually writing this, the scale of this disaster is almost beyond comprehension.

And, BTW, thank you, Americans, for your incredible generosity to the various fundsproviding relief.

I know that my corner of the world is exceptionally grateful.

-Pedro, from Australia

I hope the comment and the information within is legit. I want to believe that the bodies will later be identified. And I also want to believe that - outside the UN anyway - there is an appreciation for us much-loved Americans.

Show Comments »

As I have written before, Americans, as individuals, are very generous, and are thought of as so by the world. However, the Bush administration has fucked up an opportunity to show how the American government is not the imperialist "America only and to Hell with everyone else" government that has recently become the predominate perception. People are smart, and they recognize the difference between the population and the government, and the initial response of the American government (Bush not making any statements but instead staying on vacation, the first numbers on aid being less than 10 times what we are NOW offering) DID look mean and stingy. This is not to lend legitimacy to the comments of that idiot from the UN, but we have missed a golden opportunity to "gain face" in the Muslim world. The War on Terror isn't all about killing people, just as the Cold War wasn't won with bullets only, but also with McDonalds and Coca Cola.

I just wish people would stop being defensive and try looking at things from the point of view of people who don't have so much wealth they have television shows on how to remove "clutter" from their lives.

posted by Jack on January 3, 2005 09:19 AM

I think that long before we "lost face" in the Muslim world, people were literally losing their heads in the Muslim world. They've burned American flags in the Middle East for every administration over the last 20 years or so. If it's not this administration, it's America's ties to Israel. For many there is, and always will be, something to excuse this behavior. So let's not get too carried away with the choruses of Kumbaya.

I do agree, though, that the War On Terror needs to be approached from the "McDonalds and Coca Cola" aspect as well. It's an area in which Bush has failed and I really hope that he gets off his rear end and does something about it.

One question, though...if the Bush administration *did* start pushing a "McDonalds and Coca Cola" approach, how long do you think it'd be before the majority of the media, the Democrats and the left in general started slamming him for such capitalist aims. "How dare Bush impose his Western ideas on other cultures? He just wants new places to dump American goods, obtain cheap labor, and steal their natural resources! He's exploiting these poor people in the name of his colonial, hegemonic ambitions! Why, he's just evil!"

My guess...the knives would come out long before the Bush administration ever finished outlining its plans.

posted by zonker on January 3, 2005 12:27 PM

It is typical of the news to just report the facts that favor a little finger pointing. What the news failed to report and the UN failed to mention is that sending a Carrier Group to give aid and comfort is not free. It takes big bucks to move and support those ships not to mention the other expenses that will be born by the United States. Just moving that Carrier Group into the area will cost in excess of a billion dollars. If you want to know why they are moving a Carrier group I suggest going to a few WEB sites to realize the capablilites in producting electricity, water, medical and food.
The United States Government and the people of the United States have no reason to feel ashamed of cheap. There will always be those people who hate us, because they failed.

posted by James Old Guy on January 3, 2005 01:34 PM

Perhaps I over-simplify, but I can't help but to look at so many other countries as wayward children (yeah, even though they're older than us).

They don't want our guidance, our ideals, our capitalism, or our opinion, but when tragedy strikes, they want our money. This may be an unpopular opinion, but it is mine, and I own it.

And while a good parent will not withhold funds in a time of need, I do believe that we should encourage self-sufficiency. If these countries don't like the methods we've employed to obtain it, they need to come up their own, lest we are eventually bled dry.

As Sam indirectly pointed out, there will be no comparable aid coming to our rescue should a ten pointer split our country open and deliver mass carnage.

Sympathy, yes. Workers, yes. MONEY? Ha. Personal contributions from overseas, sure. Not millions or billions from other nations.

Having said that, I'm all for helping out with the tsunami relief. Yes, even conservatives have a heart. To feel for these victims and to want to help them is human. While I'm all about tough love and decreasing dependency in ANY category, I'm NOT about kicking anyone when they are down. Help them up, then put them on the right path.

My opinion as described above is a general one, and shouldn't be applied directly to this situation, other than understanding it as a mentality. It's difficult to discuss money in ANY conversation about ANYthing without sounding insensitive, which is why I intentionally left it out of my HEARTFELT post!

I certainly didn't intend to go there in depth anyway. But I actually appreciate the feedback on this, and certainly invite more. I have wondered what others have been thinking on what has turned into such a delicate matter.

... Still, sometimes I HAVE to wonder if Jack ONLY reads the last line of my posts! ; )

posted by Key on January 3, 2005 02:36 PM

I've also had dreams of this nature since I was a kid. After reading your post, I've come to realize what a blessing it must have been for my dreams to have ended where they do. I've never seen the aftermath, until this year.

posted by Cyberchip on April 13, 2005 02:41 PM

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posted by Key on 12:24 AM | Comments (5)
» Truth, Lies & Common Sense links with: Tsunami Dreams
» suburban blight links with: Love Tap

Without Hangover

Thanks for the New Year's wishes guys! I hope everyone had a safe and happy one, and didn't make too many of those gawd-awful resolutions.

I lived, Zonk! Pretty uneventful actually. I decided not to drink, as I can't seem to get even slightly tipsy without also getting violently ill.

However, I walked into the large and very beautiful, custom tongue and groove cabin that is my parent's abode, and upon making my way to the Kitchen, realized that my brother and step-father had bought enough likka to float the friggin county. They were therefore quite irritated with my decision not to partake.

Remind me never again to accept an already opened can of Coke from my brother. As his concoction was neither shaken nor stirred, I got a nice shot of straight Wild Turkey via the first swig.

There was no second swig.

I know. I sound like such a dud. I just can't process the stuff.

Pills. The wave of the future.

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 03:00 PM | Comments (4)

Baby Names Are In

Miss Priss's name is absent the list once again, and this is good, as I kinda like her being the only Miss Priss in her class. She knows seven Kaitlyns. Of course, their names are spelled seven different ways...

The top 10 baby names of 2004 (vs. 2003)

Girls' names:

Emma (Emily)
Madison (Emma)
Emily (Madison)
Kaitlyn (Hannah)
Hailey (Hailey)
Olivia (Sarah)
Isabella (Kaitlyn)
Hannah (Isabella)
Sarah (Olivia)
Abigail (Abigail)

Boys' names:

Jacob (Jacob)
Aidan (Aidan)
Ethan (Ethan)
Ryan (Matthew)
Matthew (Nicholas)
Michael (Joshua)
Tyler (Ryan)
Joshua (Michael)
Nicholas (Zachary)
Connor (Tyler)

Source: MSN

Show Comments »

I love that people are moving away from the soap opera and Dynasty names of the late 80s/early 90s, and toward more traditional names.

My poor child, however, was born in 1984, and is named Mistral (after a heart song) and Ariele (after a soap opera). Of course, this was only done out of seeking to please my asswipe of a husband. I wanted to name her Sara...

after my favorite Hall and Oates song.

posted by jmflynny on January 2, 2005 02:41 PM

What, no Typhani??

Emily was like number 50 when mine was born. Now it's been in the top 5 for 10 years in a row. Sadly, makes me look like a pack herd whanker.

posted by Velociman on January 2, 2005 02:50 PM

Emily and Sarah are classic names. They kool.

What irritates me are the new and seemingly unique trendy names, that end up being far from unique by the time everyone is finished using them. It then becomes a copycat and overused trendy name, particularly in my neck of the woods.
I love these kids, and I love their parents, but I'd be lying if I said the lack of originality didn't bug me.

Unfortunately, my foster son has one of these names. I like the tried and true classic, family, or Biblical names. The geographical ones? Wasn't old when my nephew was given his, but getting old now. Cities are cities. Kids are kids.

posted by Key on January 2, 2005 03:17 PM

And they are always cities in Texas. Tyler, Houston, Dallas...

posted by Velociman on January 2, 2005 03:35 PM

My daughter's name is Ryan Marie...Yep, from the soap opera "Ryan's hope". She has only ever met one other girl with that name and they are good friends.

posted by dawn on January 2, 2005 09:23 PM

I know this is an old post but I've been behind on my blog reading having been out of state to attend the birth of my first granddaughter. While thinking about trying to find a name that isn't in the top 100, daughter came up with this site that is the funniest thing I've read in a long time -- had to share! But prepare to spend hours ROFLMAO!http://www.notwithoutmyhandbag.com/babynames/index.html or just go straigt to "Baby's Named a Bad Bad Thing" via Google. Enjoy -- toasted or not!
=]

posted by Marianne on January 29, 2005 03:28 PM

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posted by Key on 02:22 PM | Comments (6)

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Key Issues

January 31, 2005

Painful Moments

I Can Think of No Better Use...

January 30, 2005

I'm Not Blocking You!

January 28, 2005

Framed!

January 27, 2005

Be Careful When Driving Thru North Carolina

First Snow

Not!

January 26, 2005

Osama Bin Flat-footed

January 25, 2005

Pin the Info on the Techtard

January 24, 2005

Moral Dilemma, No. 547

Jammies With Feet

Hickey What?

Frozen Key

January 21, 2005

He Lives!

Zits and Wrinkles

January 20, 2005

Girl Code

January 18, 2005

Cursed Be Their Names

Ode to Man, Velociman

January 17, 2005

Magic Balls

January 14, 2005

Magic Beans

Smallpox Vaccine Anyone?

Ode to Kelley

January 13, 2005

BUI Disclaimer

January 12, 2005

Divorce Saves Lives

January 10, 2005

Where's My Anna Nicole Smith Thread?

A Different Argument

Must Have Been a Hell of a Weekend

January 08, 2005

So A Duck Walks Into A Bar...

January 07, 2005

The No Child Left Behind Act

One Nation Under God

January 06, 2005

Putting a Face on the Bloggers

January 05, 2005

Ashlee Simpson, Bless Her Heart

Tossin' and Turnin'

January 04, 2005

Are You Too Busy For God?

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

Tsunami Pictures

January 03, 2005

Best Sign At The Outback Bowl

Give Me Chocolate, Or Give Me Sex

Tsunami Dreams

January 02, 2005

Without Hangover

Baby Names Are In