Observations by Key Monroe~~Home of Right Opinions, Cynical Viewpoints, and TMI in Hefty Doses
|E-mail: keymonroe [at] alltel [dot] net

September 29, 2005

Let's Play "Mother May I"

Partayin' Fools: Mother, may I blow off work tomorrow and go to the blogmeet in Helen one night early?

Key: Without moi? Foghettaboutid.

Partayin' Fools: Please! We wanna partay like it's 1999!

Key: I said NO! I can't. You can't. End of story.

Partayin' Fools: Buh-bye!

Key: Fucking turkeys.

Okay, so Kel and I will be there tomorrow afternoon, as our reservation specifies! Hopefully, there will be a few survivors left to play with. If they all lie comatose in a puddle of drool, I will not be merciful. Pics will be published.

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posted by Key on 02:15 PM | Comments (10) | TrackBack (0)

September 27, 2005


Because it's OKAY to profile, if I include myself, riiight?

Blogger Profile:

I. ADHD (What were you saying?)
II. Self-absorbed (Nevermind that. What was I saying?)
III. Procrastinator (Hi, I'm Key. It's been five days since my last post...)
IV. Pigheaded Approach
------A. Yes, I know there is html code for outlining.
------B. IMHO, it all fucking sucks.
V. Ego
------A. Too sexy for my home page.
------B. Too sexy for my readership.
------C. Too sexy for my blogroll.
------D. Too sexy to be Site-metered.
VI. Delusional
------A. Our intelligence is not only atypical, it is irresistible.
------B. Our opinions are second only to Scripture, and that's showing humility.
------C. We are going to take over the world.
VII. Esoteric
------A. Nobody else gets us.
------B. Nobody else partays like us.
------C. We are socially lazy misfits.

...Or maybe that's just me.

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posted by Key on 09:22 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack (1)
» Velociworld links with: BUSTED

September 22, 2005

Partay at Sammy Baby's

Okay, so there is a meet coming up. And some of us will be cozily lodged all up in a cabin that may look accommodating, but let me be real:

Our place will NOT be partay central! (Though I am told it shall house cupcakes and untold riches Friday evening, and who can argue with that?!)

But no, da down-n-dirty partay headquarters for the majority of the weekend will be in Sammy Baby's room, as he has so eagerly volunteered, peep lubber that he is.

He will not nag you about cigarette smoke, as I will. He will think your jokes are funny when you are trashed, even if he has heard them before. He will smile and wink and promise not to blog about your party fouls, at least until the bruises heal. He is just ideal. Unmatched, there is no one like him, or more likable than Sammy Baby. And this is why Velocigod has gifted him with the highest honor imaginable: he shall be trustee of the Chatham Artillery Punch.

Sammy only has a few party rules, and let's see if I can remember them:

-No firearms in his room. He is still nervous from the last time you turkeys tried to kill each other's intoxicated asses with live ammo.

-No illegal substances in his room. He is a purist, you see. He would never dream of defiling his body with things that could get him arrested.

-No naked people in his room. If you break this rule, yo naked butt will appear on the internet. But no worries, this is a family show, so we will Photoshop in pink tassles in all the right places.

-No hootananny in his room. Okay, okay, there may be hootananny, but I ain't singing. And neither is Sam. We will be outside tying tin cans to your bumper and writing "Proudly Supporting Gay Marriage" on your back windshield with hot pink shoe polish. (Not that there's anything wrong with that...)

I think there was one more, but I can't remember it, so he'll just have to leave it in the comments. As for law enforcement, don't look at me! I just make 'em; another branch does the actual work, I believe. I'll be in my hot tub if you need me.

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posted by Key on 11:27 PM | Comments (24) | TrackBack (1)
» Cadillac Tight links with: Blogroll maintenance

September 20, 2005

From The Inside

I always wondered what it looked like from in there.

Higher res, a little color, and it's decent wall art.

Source: Why, a report for higher education, obviously.

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posted by Key on 06:55 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)

Vegan Tendencies

And I thought I was just carb-crazed.

I could almost swing that. (Well, except for when I get a hankerin' for a blue cheese crusted filet.)


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posted by Key on 12:44 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)

September 16, 2005

Quarkery From My Snail Mail

They who would give religion a bad name are apparently worried about my soul.


2 questions:

1. WTF is Quarkery? (Other than a light colored coffee bean prob.)
2. Would Exlax help this person?

The pink is a nice touch though. Although, if I were going to be a doomsday proselytizer, I think I'd choose stationery with waves of orange, red, and yellow flickering flames. Oh, and a crimson archaic font. Oh, and I'd dress my kid up like the devil for halloween, and get her to hand them out while trick-or-treating.

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posted by Key on 06:00 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack (0)

September 14, 2005

If I Were God...

Yes, I am trying my best to bring it today, but nobody wants to go there, so I shall try again:

So, if I were God, the earth would have moved today. Well, more so than normal, and specifically in a certain courtroom.

I am talking MAJOR earthquake, the very NANOSECOND the ruling was read... Lights flickering, atheists losing their balance and falling to their knees, the whole nine.

The fear of God would have been thick in the air, and my laughter would have been heard in the thunder-claps. Obviously, He is above that. Well, this time anyway.

We are so far removed from the intentions of the framers on this one. The idea was to prevent the state from disallowing people to worship freely. There is only a true separation of church and state if people who would like to pray or say "under God" are allowed to do so anytime and anywhere, while those who would prefer to abstain are also allowed to do so anytime and anywhere.

Respecting individual religious freedom is democratic. Dictating that all must abstain from religious display is...well, dictatorial.

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posted by Key on 09:13 PM | Comments (27) | TrackBack (1)
» Random Fate links with: Reading minds

Right To Privacy

As an argument for abortion. LOL!

I'd like to think that if I were PRO-abortion, I could do better than that. I'll have to remember that one next time I want to snort an eight-ball, burn some magic potpourri, sell my body to the night, engage in a little domestic violence...shit, the possibilities are endless!

"That was a PRIVATE murder!," I will tell the cops, "It is none of YOUR beeswax!"

Having said that, I do not think there is Constitutional support to ban first trimester abortion. Nor is there Constitutional support to ban promiscuity. Nor is there Constitutional support to ban the act of gorging oneself on hot dogs for a stupid eating contest. But it still isn't a good idea.

We can't ban everything that isn't a good idea. The mere suggestion says: We, as a people, have no friggin discipline, we are unable to raise children with discipline, and therefore, all bad things should be banned.

Having said that, second and third trimester abortions will forever remain another story. As I've said before, it is one thing for a woman to insist that a child be removed from her uterus. It is quite another for her to insist that the child be killed on the way out. That is murder. And don't tell me about medical exceptions. Exceptions are not the topic here. We are discussing the rule.

When a child has reached the gestational maturity to live independently of the womb, that child has a Constitutional right to life. Period.

I hereby declare that the rule. The debating can stop now.

(Now can we turn the focus to reducing my taxes?)

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posted by Key on 01:33 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack (1)
» Random Fate links with: Reading minds

September 12, 2005

Stretching The Truth

As in the recently in the "recently 29" mini sidebar bio, now represents two years.

Just damn, right?

(Thank you for the voice mail serenade, btw; it shall be saved for all eternity!)

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posted by Key on 07:45 PM | Comments (15) | TrackBack (0)

September 11, 2005


I used to be a girl. In high school, football meant partay, and nothing more. Even the friggin cheerleaders had to be prompted, so that they weren't chanting "push em back," even as their own team advanced into the red zone.

Now, I am a born again Dawg, cussing the bullshit calls and high-fiving the sweet plays with the buds behind me, whom I just met.

As alumni, we are on the "point" system for tickets. Each point is a dollar, and you must have 20,000 or so to get decent seats. Heh, so maybe my grandchildren will have premo seats.

Meaning... One year later, and I am STILL on row fucking four!

But I am there with 97,000 of my best friends, bonded by a common passion, aware of the additional security, and hoping the terrorists haven't done the math. And yet, grateful that it draws a full house, and that four years later, we are ever mindful, but not compromised.

And so, rather than heavy reflections, my question of the day is as follows: 4th and 1, and you're in a position to go for it. Rushing play the obvious, but you call a time out. Might be changing the play. Right?

They dunno now. So, you come back out, and you run the yard, right?? Right? Or maybe go for an ittybiddy toss? (I love 'em, but that was a helluva time to go long!)

Yes, I know. Don't be sore winner. I'm koo. Especially when, after the game, South Carolina tossed themselves a pity party grave-side service, complete with a sorrowful rendition (courtesy their own band) of Amazing Grace as the Cock fans made a slow exit.

Oooh, how sweet the sound. Heh. (Ok, I almost felt guilty for taking pleasure in that.)

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posted by Key on 11:21 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)

September 09, 2005

Just What I Need...

Another waste of time.

And I was just recovering from my Zonk-induced free cell addiction. I had successfully avoided the latter thus far, adopting a prudent distance, given my mother's addiction. All of that discipline, for naught...

(And, this is off topic, but I admit: I HAVE always wondered why they dress slutty.)

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posted by Key on 08:02 PM | Comments (9) | TrackBack (0)

Spank Him!


And call 'im a red-headed step-brat!

Congrats are in order; two years in blog time are like 14 in real, live, planet earth time!

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posted by Key on 06:36 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)

September 07, 2005

I Am Hard Core

How can I blog on Katrina when I can't think of a single unbitchy way to do it?

Why does it have to be so complicated? So partisan? So myopic? So fucking whiny?

It's really VERY simple. This is what WE get for becoming a squishy-wishy, government dependent people with an inflated, if not false, sense of security.

Big mistake.

Think. For. Yourselves.

Live in the flood plain? Love it? Goooood. Insure yo butt, or build on stilts. Be prepared to evacuate at a moment's notice. And have a nestegg saved up. And bottled water.

Don't want to prepare? No prob. Just depend on the government. When has it ever failed you?

Ahhhh, my point. Love your country, but ask not what it can do for you. You have streets, parks and freedom, none of which were built in 48 hours.

We have ourselves. We have each other. We need to know that going in, and hold back (via the good vote) as many tax dollars as possible for privatized charity. Let THEM compete for our dough. They ain't runnin' for office. And they got there first.

When FEMA does arrive on the scene? Well, they can be the gravy. If the federal government is our "meat," we have a problem that is MUCH bigger than this petty ass blame game. Though I'll admit, as long as I AM paying for it, I wouldn't mind a little boogie in their woogie. But you won't see me betting my life on it.

As far as DIRECTING the people on the local level...well, that didn't go so well either. As much as I hate it, only some people think for themselves, and the rest need to be herded. My guess is that the local "shepherds" panicked after realizing that they couldn't simply grease Katrina's palm and make her go away.

Natural disaster happens. Disease happens. It is horrible, but we have really gotten arrogant if we think we are above acts of God. And I used that phrase on purpose. The Maker is not all about rainbows and silver linings. And when He delivers a wake up call, He does not do so with a flip phone.

We are angry, and we are bitter, and we want someone's head to roll! Monday morning quarterback! Brow beat the weary! We all want to...

Or we can mourn our dead. Send relief to the living. Encourage self sufficiency and independent thinking in future generations. Learn. Rebuild.

Personally, I HATE that I am not in a position to take off for a couple of months, go down there, tough it out, help out. And if I weren't nine years into an 18 year commitment, I'd be there.

I braved squalid conditions for a good cause before my daughter was born, and I'll likely do the same when she's off to college. Not because I owe anyone, not because they are entitled, but because they are suffering, children who could not make the call or save the money to evacuate are suffering.

It is our duty to help each other. After all, I believe those of us who survived it without a scratch outnumber the injured and the displaced, I'm guessing as much as a thousand to one. Imagine the possibilities.

Atlanta COULD have done as much as Houston, right? So where does the blame end, really?

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posted by Key on 04:40 PM | Comments (14) | TrackBack (3)
» The Brier Patch links with: Independent Thinking
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September 03, 2005


I don't like running over animals. Nor do I like running over children. But we live in a machine age. You can't help this shit.

By way of saying I ran over an armadillo today. They are pesky creatures, not given to flight. And so I splattered the beast. I pulled over, of course, ready to minister first aid. But this thing was fucked, fragged.

Ever had lobster on the half shell? Like that. Armadillos are pesks, but they're cute little critters. I hated that beat down. Mebbe in my next life I'll be a zoo custodian, or something. I'll still kill the armadillos, though.

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posted by Velociman on 06:42 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)

September 02, 2005

Holy Bionic Seahorse, Aquaman!

Watch out for the Metallic Whale! And the evil green mermaid!

See, I found something else to watch.

Okay, I lied. Fox news is still on. I can't help it. This is unbelievably horrible.

(The other? I watched that last night. Needed something smile inducing.)

I'm out. Have a good Labor Day Weekend, my good peeps.

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posted by Key on 04:31 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)

Political Ramifications?

Fucking bullshit.

Warped bullshit.

National disaster! And cool, they aren't prepared! At all! Now's your chance! Political opp! Off to the races! Let's watch. This'll make or break him!

I think I'm gonna puke.

Hell yes it sucks. But why would everyone not be doing the best that they can?

I have made the decision to contribute to the disaster relief. Not because the victims have earned it; They are not owed, nor entitled. No, I will help out because mother nature bitchslapped them, and for whatever reason, tens of thousands were not prepared financially. And I feel compassion, I fucking hate it for them, and I am an advocate of privatized charity. Therefore, I will be putting my money where my mouth is.

However, I will not be donating until next week, so it's a good thing I won't be running for POTUS. (Reason? I plan to be generous, but I can only give so much, and my church is organizing person to person campaigns in the next few days; I feel my dollar will go further that way.)

Perhaps I should stop watching the news now. Or cut back on caffeine. Or both.

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posted by Key on 02:28 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack (1)
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