Observations by Key Monroe~~Home of Right Opinions, Cynical Viewpoints, and TMI in Hefty Doses
|E-mail: keymonroe [at] alltel [dot] net

August 31, 2004

The Cynical Bitch Within

During daylight hours, as I sit at this Post-it covered desk processing orders, collecting invoices and answering three lines, I seem to have fallen into the all-American habit of worshiping and hoarding every spare moment that I can steal for myself.

Therefore, I don't like to spend a lot of time on the phone unless I'm actually enjoying the conversation. But, hey, business is business. Sooo...for local repeat business, I am supa friendly, flirtaceous enough, and I give them just the right amount of hell to keep them coming back for more. (Yes, that would be my way of building business relationships.)

When the nationwide management companies call to bug the friggin crap outta me check on orders, I am cordial, in fact, usually I even muster some friendliness, as I tell the clueless customer service rep what she needs to enter into the system regarding the file.

When a telemarketer calls, I am cold as ice....if they're lucky. If I have the time, and I feel like being a pain in the ass, I listen to the spiel, dissect the sales pitch, then ask the guy if this is what he planned on doing with his life when he grew up.

While that's rude and even hypocritical, since I'm not exactly doing what I had aspired to become, I think the unsolicited intrusion - glazed with sugar-sweet concern for my existence should I continue to go on without their product - beyond rude.

So, just now the phone rang, I answered, and an incredibly friendly, and way too chipper voice sprang out of the receiver, "Good morning!" he sang, "How are you today?"

About to hang up on you I thought as I said, "Fine. And you?"

"Good, good! I'm doing great!"

Silence. What? Was I supposed to respond to that?

He continues, "Well, the reason I'm calling is because I've heard good things about your company, and I'd like to send over an order."

WHAT? He's sending me business? That's not the way it's supposed to work. If anyone ever in their life sounded as though they wanted to sell me something, this guy did.

"Sure," I replied, as I wondered if he appreciated the surprise in my voice. "Here's my fax number..."

"Thank you so very much!" (There are no words to describe the exuberance in the man's voice.)

....And that was that.

Now, am I cynical bitch or was that guy Canadian?

(I'm afraid it's the former. While the guy was definitely upbeat and polite, he didn't have the accent...)

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 04:55 PM | Comments (8)

August 27, 2004

I'm Too Sexy for Bipartisanship

Well, that's what I used to think anyway.

It's gotten kind of ridiculous of late, though...to the point that I - in all my so-far-to-the-right-I-have-a-permanent-crick-in-my-neck glory - am feeling the urge to step in and play ref.

...and that feels really weird.

The whole Cleland thing got to me. I remember a time when I thought a lot of this guy, but what he did Wednesday was disgusting.

It's not even that he went; he's entitled to his opinion. But he was not Kerry, he was an emissary for Kerry. Well, likewise, Patterson was not Bush, but he was an emissary for Bush.

The fact that he refused to acknowledge Patterson is irritating. (The fact that that little tidbit is buried more than half-way down in the article is infuriating, but that's another matter.)

Cleland doesn't need to have his service time validated by anyone. I think that rather obvious. He's naturally going to be honored and respected for his contribution.

When he openly snubs someone from another party, just because the scenario wasn't exactly what he had in mind, that's a let down all the way around.

Patterson said in an interview that he had actually been looking forward to meeting Cleland, and was disappointed that he was not acknowledged.

No joke. I find that disappointing as well.

See, I'm allowed to be a partisan asshole. I'm not publicly speaking or voting on bills or cashing any government payroll checks.

I think people who are should make more of an effort. What is the point of catering strictly to half the country? So you have your leaning. Does it define you? It doesn't define me. Shit, given the opportunity, I could do a whole helluva lot of restructuring to the Republican side.

My grievance doesn't go one way. I have issues with Republicans as well.

For example, these freakish cults using the name of Christianity aren't doing the Republicans any favors with their cluelessness about Constitutional governing.

...And although I enjoy Coulter personally, I'll admit that her influence would be more useful were it less venomous.

But notice it's not just the political strategists anymore; anyone who can commandeer a microphone has an opinion to share about this election. I find myself screaming at the TV, "JUST SHUT YOUR PRETTY MOUTH AND GO BACK TO ACTING!" It hurts to find out that some of my favorite celebs are idiots, you know?

My buddy Kelley has a point about this election. Come November, our ears will be aching from the high-pitched wailing and gnashing of teeth, as the losing party prepares themselves for their version of hell.

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 09:43 PM | Comments (7)

August 24, 2004

Co-Ed Prisons

Great idea, no?

Okay, hear me out.

First of all, it's ridiculous to separate by sex with the intention of preventing sexual activity. This only prevents heterosexual activity.

So, why should we put them together and let 'em have a good time? Because there might just be something in it for us...

Basic requirements for transfer into co-ed prison:
1. No one who has been found guilty of murder or sex crimes is eligible.

2. All transferees must work for a minimum of forty hours per week in order to offset prison expenses. (Accommodations are a little nicer here.)

3. Although measures will be taken in an attempt to prevent such occurrences, all transferees must sign a disclosure statement acknowledging risks of rape or brutality. This provides immunity only for the prison, not the violator, who will be banned from co-ed Eden.

4. All transferees must become permanently, surgically sterilized. No exceptions. There will be no babies conceived in this prison, nor will prisoners be procreating once released, unless they are responsible enough to secure the funds or the insurance necessary, either for a reversal or for an in-vitro procedure.

Okay! Let's put this plan into play, and lemme see the prison stats twenty years from now. ...bet they drop.

My inference is just wrong, isn't it? I mean, just because mom & dad are losers, that doesn't mean Jr. will be...


I still bet the stats will be lower in the next generation. And I don't wanna hear any selective breeding crap. Given that this is voluntary surrender of procreating rights, any controversy would imply that these people are too stupid to make decisions for themselves.

Now who's being wrong?

Bottom line is I've seen too many children bounce in an out of foster care, then back in again because mom and dad can't stay out of prison. I say sterilize mom and dad, put them in the same cell, and let them live happily ever after.

Yeah, we'd be paying the bulk of their room, board and medical expenses, but we wouldn't be paying for Junior's!

Call it what you will. I call it thinking ahead.

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 09:47 PM | Comments (11)
» Gut Rumbles links with: she asked for it

August 20, 2004

Too Lazy

Too brain-fried, too bored, too ADD, too something...

I just can't get motivated to write anything.

This is my last weekend "off" so to speak, for a while. Starting Monday, I'll be coaching soccer for the Rec. Dept.

I'm afraid I no longer have a social calendar. I thought I did, but no...no, I don't. That would be Miss Priss who has a life.

Yesterday was horseback riding lessons and Chucke Cheese birthday party for a friend. Tomorrow, movies with another friend, and next week soccer practice begins. Fortunately for me, I happen to enjoy playing like a kid!

(So if you see a little less of me for the next few months, you'll know why.)

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 09:24 PM | Comments (2)

August 19, 2004

Quick Question...

Did anyone see the website of self-published author and ex-wife of John Kerry featured on Fox News this morning?

(It could be, and probably is, shit, but they refused to give out the url, which only makes me that much more determined to find it!)

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 07:29 PM | Comments (3)

August 18, 2004

News Getting Repetitive

Of all of the stories in the news this morning, why did I find Oprah's jury duty to be the most interesting?

I must be burned out on politics. Enough with the stupid celeb concerts and protester accommodations.

This was the story a month ago, but now, Bloomberg is offering incentives to well-behaved protesters. (Incentives include coupons for area restaurants and hotels among other things.)


That sounds like something I've done before with the foster kids! I was taking them somewhere formal, and they hadn't been raised to behave in a manner respectful of their surroundings, so if I didn't want a scene, I was forced to bribe them.

Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. It's just somewhat difficult to reason with the unreasonable.

Good luck Mayor Bloomberg.

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 06:16 PM | Comments (4)

August 17, 2004


So, my attention span has been that of a gnat lately.

I'm having difficulty focusing on blogworld, realworld and everything in between.

Suffering from a lack of inspiration, I was momentarily tempted to copy and complete one of those personal favorite questionnaires, but I couldn't find one that didn't suck.

Now, don't get offended. I'm sure there's a decent one out there; I just didn't find it.

Here's what my inquiring mind would like to know:

1. What's the most expensive thing you've ever stolen?
2. Have you ever run from the police?
3. Have you ever gone to church hung over?
4. What is the most embarrassing thing you can admit to having done?
5. And the one you can't admit to?

Yeah, I want the dirt.

Hey, blogmeet coming up...I need live ammo.

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 10:13 PM | Comments (12)
» Gut Rumbles links with: why not?

August 14, 2004

Still with the Seven Minute Madness?

It's reaching, desperate, and already getting to be an aged whine. Let it go.

So Bush is under attack for waiting seven minutes to respond to the 9-11 attacks. (He actually took a minute to finish up with the kids...that bastard!)

A few nights ago on Hannity and Colmes I learned Kerry admitted that he sat stunned for forty minutes following news of the attacks and wasn't able to think.


I don't know, tough call!

Look, maybe if President Bush had it to do over, he'd hop up. Maybe not. Does it matter?

I just have this to say:

If I have to choke down a mouthful of more government because too many of my fellow Americans bought into the seven minute, WMD, unheard of conspiracies media smokescreen, I'm gonna be REALLY FRIGGIN IRRITATED with some of my fellow Americans.

That is all.

No, it isn't...It's a sales pitch for swamp land.

Don't buy it.

(Do I have any liberal readers? If so, I'd really like to know one thing: Can you think of one way that a Democratic administration can personally benefit you without hurting me as a taxpayer? Seriously, I can't make sense of it.)

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 12:21 AM | Comments (5)

August 13, 2004

Sympathy Hits

Oh, come on. We all do it.

The blog sucks, but we like the blogger, so we deliver the "sympathy hit."

We smile, having done our good deed of the day, then we panic, stop and smell the metaphorical pits...

Oh shit! Is someone sympathy hitting me??

That would suck.

Thankfully, I'm not exactly alone in this realization.

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 09:00 PM | Comments (5)

August 12, 2004

Giving out the URL

For a while, I was known in Blogworld as the "secret URL girl." I just didn't freely give it out.

I've gotten over that (obviously), but I still have a problem with mixing my real and virtual worlds. To me, they're just water and oil; they don't seem to mix well....or perhaps I'm ridiculously private.

A few real life people have been around as I blogged. For example, my husband and an ex-employee may occasionally lurk, but neither have taken an avid interest.

The first real live friend that I allowed into my virtual abode was Young Dave, my occasional artistic contributor. But his clever wit and caustic sarcasm are wasted here because he is actually more private than I am, and although I've tried torturing him, he's not talking. (And I know he's tempted to comment, if nothing else, to make me aware of my grammatical errors...)

Yesterday, yes bad day yesterday, I was caught with my defenses down, and I did it again. I gave it out to another too intelligent and overly educated freak of nature. Literally. John is an alien.

I have proof. Tons of it actually, but the most compelling being that he's 742 years old, yet looks 40, and that he is a published sci-fi writer, who writes so vividly as though he's been there, seen that...because he has. (About the age. Talk to him. Without a microchip, nobody could cram that much information into one brain in forty years time. I figure he's 742 if he's a day.)

So, there you have it. I gave out my URL again.

Somewhere over the years, I believe my personality has undergone a transformation. Fifteen years ago, I gave out my phone number to any relatively good-looking male specimen who would hold still long enough for me to scrawl my number on their arm with eye liner.

(Is my daughter going to be that unbelievably stupid?)

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 11:17 PM | Comments (0)
» She Who Will Be Obeyed! links with: http://www.thedonovan.com/beth/archives/cat_.html#002460
» She Who Will Be Obeyed! links with: Blogger gossip

August 11, 2004

Bad Day

I don't know what the planets are up to, but people are being weird. Work sucks, somebody wrote me a 4 figure bad check, and Jack said I was snarky.

I need a cuddle party!

(Disclaimer: Please do not contact me for information as to the whereabouts of the cuddle party. I do not actually care to attend or host such an event. Nor do I blame my good buddy Jack for my crappy day; his sensitivity is rather charming...and yes I did have it coming.)

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 09:34 PM | Comments (11)

August 10, 2004


Methinks me readers lost their marbles after me last post... A saint they be callin' me, maties!

Actually, I thank you guys for your kind words. Understand, of course, I am far from sainthood!

I am actually very discriminate with my compassion.

Notice I reserve very little of said commodity for worthless adults and the idiot adults who enable their worthlessness with their idiocy.

But the children are different. They have no control over what household they are born into. Despite that, if they choose to become worthless as adults, I hold them accountable for that failure.

See? I'm no coddler.

But I foster children for many reasons. Here are some that I can come up with off the top of my head:

1) Regretfully, character is something I didn't appreciate (in its entirety) until I was an adult. If I can infuse some of this valuable commodity into a few younger models, maybe I can prevent future worthlessness to some degree.

2) Although I'm always in favor of private funding over state, this system could actually be worse. If there were county homes (similar to orphanages) staffed by state payroll, that would be worse. I appreciate that the private sector is picking up the bulk of the responsibility here, and I'd like to do my part to keep it that way.

3) I like big families.

4) I need a justification for my favorite hobbies: movies, putt-putt, little league games, soccer, day trips, basically any activity that gets me out of the house.

This little guy may be our last foster child. After three years of fostering and six long-term placements, we are on the verge of burnout.

Of course, I'm always campaigning. Those of you who say you can't do it because you wouldn't be able to handle it when they leave...try again.

That excuse didn't work for me, and therefore it's not going to work on me. I, myself, delivered that line to a friend and mentor prior to becoming a foster parent.

She said simply, "Let me tell you something, if it doesn't absolutely rip your heart out of your chest every time a child walks out of your door, you're not cut out for this anyway."

Well, that shut me up. You have to have a heart in order to lose it.

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 09:42 PM | Comments (4)

August 09, 2004

It's Called a Family Conference and Multidisciplinary Team Meeting

That is where I was Friday at 2:00pm.

We were in the board room of the local DFCS office. Those in attendance were the caseworker, his supervisor, me (foster mom), the birth parents, and two independent agents, one working on behalf of my foster son, the other working with the birth parents.

So, we worked our way around the table, each stating opinions, observations, suggestions. I realized that I was the only one NOT on state payroll, and therefore the only one NOT subjected to any particular rules governing what I was or was not allowed to say.

I would take advantage of this fact. But I would gather information first.

I listened as the first worker described the filth and the roach infestation problem in the old trailer where my foster son formerly resided. Her description combined with the appearance of the natural parents was all I needed to gather more of a visual than I actually cared for.

The mother was younger than I am, which I wouldn't have known had I not been told. The drugs have aged her. She's too thin, has no teeth, her eyes were sad and desperate, and her two-toned frizzy hair was pulled back in a ponytail.

To her credit, she didn't look at me with the same loathsome disgust that her husband did. I was told he was twenty years her senior, but he easily looked sixty, which doesn't add up. His hair had been combed, but it was so greasy that I don't think hurricane winds could have loosened a strand, every mark from the comb's teeth apparent in its matted state.

I was wondering why anyone with indoor plumbing wouldn't shower before such an occasion, when I realized it was my turn. I was told to describe the progress my four-year-old foster son has made in the two months that I've had him. Because I'm aware of dwindling attention spans here in Blogworld, I'll sum up by saying that he went from a thin, pale, UNpotty-trained little boy who had never heard of the ABCs and had no social skills... to the boy they had interviewed earlier in the week. (All of these things have been rectified and then some. He's happy, healthy, and amazingly, not developmentally delayed in the least.)

I expressed that my main concerns are obviously a regression in any of these areas, the most immediate concern being the exposure to smoke. I have no doubt he's been exposed to it in heaping doses since conception, if his constant cough and congestion are any indication. It's getting better, as it does with most foster children once their lungs are allowed to heal. (I've only had one whose lungs were too badly damaged to bounce back completely; she was diagnosed with asthma.)

Finally, the next worker spoke up, and she ran the disclaimer that she was there on behalf of my foster son. Period. She wasn't there to send him home if that wasn't the best thing for him. This got both foster mom's and birth mom's attention as I applauded the idea, while she sniffled and teared up.

She started by validating my point about the smoke, (for which I was grateful.) "According to your child's medical records, the smoke has been cited on more than one occasion as the reason for his chronic congestion. You do need to remember whose habit it is, and whose habit it isn't."

She then went on to deliver the biggest recommendation. She insisted in her report that both parents receive inpatient treatment for their addiction. This was the first sign of discord. The mother was completely agreeable initially.

The father had a problem with it. He was worried about losing his disability check THAT THEY ARE BOTH LIVING OFF OF, SINCE NEITHER OF THEM HAS A FRIGGIN JOB.

This is when I became ill.

Read More "It's Called a Family Conference and Multidisciplinary Team Meeting" »

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 12:37 AM | Comments (6)

August 06, 2004

Got some snail mail here...

Would you open a letter from the "Social Empowerment Center"?

I normally wouldn't, but I thought it might have something to do with my involvement as a foster parent.

It did.

I am formally invited to voice my opinion and observances at a meeting today at 2:00 regarding the placement of my foster son.

That's nice.

They'll piss on my opinions, but I'll be there with bells on.

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 04:27 PM | Comments (4)

Any policemen out there?

I have never been close friends with anyone in law enforcement, so I'll admit that I know very little about the whole set-up.

But I just saw a forty-ish petite blonde with eighties hair (and dressed in cutoffs and a tank) drive away in the Sherriff's police car.

So I wonder, is any old friend or acquaintance of the Sherriff allowed to drive around town in government property?

Just curious. It looked odd.

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 02:31 PM | Comments (3)

August 05, 2004

Quick Question

Where have I been? I had no idea that I was publicly traded. I've never even registered to play...

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 10:19 PM | Comments (8)

When World Domination Envy

...meets greasy food envy, this and this are the manifested results. (Scroll down for pics.)


Show Comments »

posted by Key on 05:48 PM | Comments (3)

August 03, 2004

Too Much Information, Over-stimulation

America is either thinking too much or not enough; but oddly enough, I think the former is true right about now.

As far as the Ann Coulter link a couple of posts below, I believe I've set a record...

I believe that's the most comments I've gotten on a post made up of a dozen words or less.

Jack and I eventually abandoned the comment box in order to engage in a lengthy email debate, in which I think each of us was reasonably convinced that we could "convert" the other. (Must be that cursed blogger's arrogance...)

The reason I fear too much information is because it clouds the real issue. Issues. Issues. Issues... Abortion, guns, religion, gay rights, poverty, education, taxes, freedom, wars...

Everybody has one, and many are so passionate about their adopted causes that they lose sight of what makes us special.


Not just to say whatever you feel like saying. Yeah, that's nice, and I appreciate it, but in another fifty years, I'm only going to get so much satisfaction out of saying, "Told you so...told you this country was moving toward socialism. Now look at us. No one wants to go to med school since doctor's salaries are capped off, no such thing as private health insurance, three years to get in for a fucking pap smear (and what's the point; if they find something, I'll die of cancer before I get a referral out of this government bullshit), education is standardized across the nation (now it sucks everywhere), and there are more bums than ever because it doesn't pay to get a fucking job when taxes are at 60%. You can work your ass off and live fairly well, or live off the government and live fairly well. What's the difference? We are no longer a feared nation. Our defenses are down, and Switzerland could whip our asses if they put their minds to it."

Now. Before everyone gets pissy, I only picked the fifty year mark because after that, I'll be too dead to be exercising my right to free speech.

Do I really think it will get that bad? No. Thankfully, there are enough people holding offices who see the dangers of big government to hold off the worst of it. But it creeps. People want immediate gratification. Fix my NOW problem. There are "Sure! I'll fix your NOW problem" candidates, and they don't give a flying fuck about long term repercussions.

The answer HAS to be, "No. You live in a free world. Fix your own problems, and I'll take less out of your paycheck so you can do it."

Freedom. We have the least amount of government. That's what makes us special. That's it. Take it away, and we're not special. Period.

I don't care which issue you think is most important to you. This isn't about being partisan. Neither party is being fiscally conservative enough to reduce government to my liking. But you go with lesser of two evils. If you appreciate what makes our country special, then you go with less government.

When you get a check in the mail from a seedy lender for $5000, why don't you cash it? I'm betting it's because it bothers you that the interest rate on it is 24%. You exercise discipline because it's just not worth it in the long run.

We must do the same.

15% of our checks should be going home with us, but because of a "more government" decision, which ended up being permanent, it doesn't.

Jack pointed out to me that if there was no social security, the irresponsible would not save for retirement, and they'd end up living off of the taxpayers anyway.

I agree. Make them pay SS. But let anyone who can prove that they are putting 15% into an IRA opt out. After all, this is a free country, right? Yeah. Sure. It just has socialist tendencies. Social security is one of them.

It can't happen again.

Grow some balls and get some discipline. Think it's easy for me? No. I have more financial bad luck than I care to mention. I have a Z-shaped backbone, an X-ray and a doctor's note that qualifies me for disability, but rather I work 40 hours a week in our small business (and my husband twice that). That would be the same small business that government treasures (because it employs 80% of the workforce), but taxes the hell out of.

So it sucks. Tough it out.

You don't groom people to become dependent upon government. That's not freedom.

Don't cash the check.

Show Comments »

posted by Key on 10:46 PM | Comments (4)
» The Brier Patch links with: Thinking Too Much

August 02, 2004

Great Idea

Pro-lifers would send a much more powerful message if they simply stood calmly and quietly in front of the clinics, handing these out to people - men and women alike - on their way in or out.

No judging, no preaching, just a way for pro-lifers to assist them in their quest to show the world that they have personally supported their right to choose, and they are not ashamed.

Finally, a way for lifers and choosers to come together.

Hat tip: Gordon

Show Comments »