Key Issues: April 2005 Archives

Nearing 100,000

After 18 months of blogging, I am finally hitting the famous milestone.

As many of you may have noticed, I am loathe to post over the lazy weekend, but I may have to keep my eyes peeled this time, as lucky numbah 100,000 should be rolling in Sunday or Monday.

The lucky number gets the faux testicle.

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posted by Key on 04:36 PM | Comments (16)
» suburban blight links with: Love Tap
» Velociworld links with: WHO GETS THE FAUX TESTICLE?

Ah, Now I Get It

I have wondered what on earth could be the common bond between such a motley assortment as we three. Kindred spirits we are. The flirt, the flirthater, and the metro. She who neglects her blog, she who speaks her mind with wild abandon, and he who waxes eloquent with a language his own.

Not having discussed our newborn dysfunctions, I did not know our common bond. Nor did they...until now.

The master fessed first, followed by my gurl, and now tis my turn. I too was plucked directly from the womb, all eight pounds, thirteen ounces of me. By appointment.

I too was unable to enjoy the lovelies of breastmilk (as my system rejected it), meaning I was fortunate enough to sample the sweetness of soy at a very young age.

I too had the round head. Pretty round head? Heh. I was U.G.L.Y. Saying that I looked like a ruddied up linebacker was being kind.

In fact, at the age of twelve, I went to visit my great grandmother in Memphis. It took her a moment to mentally find my place on the family tree, and then she realized, and declared with relief, "Oh! You're turnin' into a niiice-lookin' young laday! But my gawd you was an uglay babay..."

And so without further adieu, I introduce you to the founding members of a very unique support group. (And might I suggest that the first "group" field trip be Venice, to visit those canals that we so long for.)

I wish I had a picture of all of you wonderful peeps, but I was not quite the shutterbug a couple of weeks ago that I normally am. Know that you are valued.

As for these two, may they always carry their cell phones on them at all times, as I would be lost without them:

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posted by Key on 02:01 PM | Comments (18)

Spring Cleaning

To quote Lara Croft, "I woke up this morning, and I just hated everything."

Now. Everybody go draw a fucking pig.

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posted by Key on 12:15 AM | Comments (10)

Moving Right Along

Velocigod has spoken. I am commanded to draw a pig. I decided to draw a mate for his. Hey, it looked lonely...

Apparently, I'm both a realist and idealist, a believer in tradition, friendly, analytical, cautious, secure, stubborn and distrustful.

And, of course, the big ears and long tail mean that I'm a great listener and that the quality of my sex life is "WOW!" But then, I may have cheated, having known that information going in!

David gets the hat tip; GO HERE to draw your pig.

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posted by Key on 05:21 PM | Comments (5)
» Moogies World links with: My Pig
» Moogies World links with: My Pig
» Round the Fire links with: Drawing Piggies

Excuses, Excuses...

I have had a blogmeet summary started (but living in limbo in draft mode) since Monday.

The past couple of days, however, have been miserable due to a trip I decided to take to visit my tile floor. I was in a rolling chair at the time, and I'm sure the acrobatics would have been humorous had I not busted my head, neck, elbow and back.

So, there you have it.... First, I am a half-assed attendee, and then afterward, I can't even pull my dizzy head out my busted ass long enough to blog about it.

Exhibit "A," the elbow:

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posted by Key on 05:52 PM | Comments (15)

If Ever...

You can't leave a comment here, try killing your url. "Http" seems to be getting perpetually banned here within the pearly gates of Munuviana. For Gawd's sake, don't give up man! I must hear from my peeps.

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posted by Key on 06:50 PM | Comments (3)

Damn Tired!

Can't imagine why...

(More on that later.)

Update: Due to an acute case of blogmeethangoveritis (compounded by an unsympathetic workday), I am still unable to find the time or energy for a complete summation of events.

However, I must ask you...Is this not the PIMPEST HAT EVAH?

(Thanks to Michele and Sammy Baby for the pics.)

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posted by Key on 04:07 PM | Comments (7)
» Parkway Rest Stop links with: “I Didn’t Want it to End.”

A Sobering Thought

There must be a hundred pinwheels planted in the small grassy center of our town square. A sign beside them explains that each pinwheel represents a child within our county who has been abused or neglected.

I know a few of those pinwheels.

(In fact, I even know a few of their pinhead parents, but that's another story for another day...)

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posted by Key on 11:03 PM | Comments (2)

One of Those Mornings...

Decided to mess with my color again, this time with highlighting paste.

Of course, it started turning various shades, and I decided the paste needed to come out...immediately.

Flip on the shower. drip...drip...nothing.

No friggin water! Construction work again I presume. Lord knows we gotta put the needs of the incoming golf club community above current residents. Cursed be their third hole.

Hair turns another shade...

I mean, warning postcards would be nice:

Dear resident, your water will be off for scheduled maintenance April 13, 2005 from 9:30am - 10:30am.

I looked at the large bowl of water that my dog had been drinking out of. Not that desperate.

Yet.

To the fridge. Bottled water. One! 16 ounces to get the crap outta the hair.

Know what? That shit was cold.

But it stopped the chemical process, and I did eventually get the hot shower. (However, I was much later than usual getting to work.)

Oh....the icing? I found a cat turd buried in a basket full of folded laundry. And I thought the beasts were domesticated.

Unrelated, perhaps, but it goes with the title.

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posted by Key on 04:50 PM | Comments (5)

News or Cartoons?

I typically watch Fox News as I get ready in the am. Is it just me, or has it gotten increasingly boring of late?

So I flipped on the tele around 7:30 this morning, and lo and behold, someone has been watching cartoons in my bedroom. The one coming on was about five little spy kids who live in a tree. I thought what the hell, it might be more interesting than the news.

This particular episode was about ghost hamsters. Rerun! Heh, why did I know that? Fox news it is...

Most interesting tidbit of the morning: 1 in 7 Americans will answer a cell phone call during sex.

Just one question, assuming those stats depict an accurate slice, WTF is wrong with 14.285714% of you?!

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posted by Key on 01:07 PM | Comments (4)

My Glamour Shot

This is Kelley and I, as seen by one Queenie MacFarland.

Thanks Queenie for supplying my content today! (Unfortunately, my slack ass still took all day to publish it out of draft mode...)

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posted by Queenie on 01:59 PM | Comments (7)

Mom, MD

That's how it feels sometimes, anyway. Today, I was particularly slow with the diagnosis.

Woke sevenish. Passed back out. Woke on the hour until around eleven, at which point, I refused to sloth in bed any longer, despite the fact that I felt as though I had been sedated.

I puttered much of the day, slowly accomplishing simple goals, such as feeding children and folding laundry, until I eventually noticed that one Miss Priss was demanding most of my attention, while the youngest remained curiously quiet...

Finding him curled up in the lazy boy, looking cherubic, I immediately took his temp. 104. Great.

As he is just recovering from bronchitis, I immediately feared pneumonia and an ER visit. I asked him what hurt. "Nothing."

Motrin it is.

So I cooked a pot of chili, fed kids. Sick one played it in a bit, then developed chills. I tucked him under covers, and went back to the kitchen to pour myself a bowl, stopping short as a wave of nausea perished the thought. And it suddenly hit me that most 4 year olds do not recognize the feeling of nausea until it reaches the level of "I need to throw up!"

Uggh. Good news: He does not have pneumonia; rather, he has a stomach bug. Bad news: So do I.

Within the past hour - as I chatted with my gurl, begging for her company this weekend - I finally managed to choke down a half cup full of oyster crackers flavored with a bit of chili. And I figure, if I can keep this bug in my system for another month or so, perhaps I can actually be rid of that last fifteen pounds without my discipline issues sabotaging the plan.

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posted by Key on 01:21 AM | Comments (6)

Problem Committing

So troublesome. After all, variety is the spice, no?

Of course I am not referring to spices...obviously. No, I am clearly referring to hair color.

Blonde has about a thousand shades, of which mine is golden blahnde. Ideally, I'd have the multi-tonal thing going on, light brown base with various shades of blonde highlights. But I don't trust a hairdresser to get it done, and I can't seem to figure it out myself.

The whole risk/reward thing has me stymied at the moment.

This is merely a disclaimer to those of you who will be laying eyes on me next week...

File the crown glory under work in progress.

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posted by Key on 04:12 PM | Comments (7)

$50

In my gas tank last night. I've been ignoring the hype, but even for plus, that shocked me...

I might as well fly to Jekyll at that rate. Seriously.

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After taking out a loan to fill my tank last night, I was very pleased I didn't buy the SUV.

posted by oregano on April 6, 2005 06:35 PM

My friend's gas card has a $50 limit. He had to swipe it twice to fill up his Suburban. $65. I finally broke the $30 mark myself yesterday.

Good news, though. They're predicting $100 a barrel soon.

posted by Velociman on April 6, 2005 07:16 PM

Yeah... I broke the $40 mark for the first time today. But, it still ain't as high as it was when your former gov was pres (in constant $, of course).

posted by John on April 6, 2005 08:07 PM

Hell. Catfish and I will give you a ride if you help us kidnap Kelley and Queenie. Cat and I discussed this nefarious plot today.

I want Kelley to be there and I'd sacrifice one of Cat's testicles to meet Queenie. (Cat doesn't know about that sacrifice part, but we'll get him so drunk he won't care--- AFTER we disarm him.)

Whatcha think?

posted by Acidman on April 6, 2005 08:44 PM

I put $100 a week in mine just to go to work and back. Good thing I can buy beer with my gas card while I'm at it. It helps ease the pain.

posted by Dash on April 6, 2005 09:17 PM

Shit Rob, my balls don't mean shit anymore. Many years ago Rob and I were hung, but due to Rob's cancer and my bad heart and back, those johnson's have gone west. Cat.

posted by catfish on April 6, 2005 10:11 PM

I'm just glad I only have to drive about two miles to get to work now, instead of the twenty I used to drive.

I could walk. Heh, right.

posted by Evilwhiteguy on April 6, 2005 11:05 PM

I'm sensing a vaccuum in the "I got balls" sweepstakes here. Not that it has anything to do with the price of gasoline, but I'm your huckleberry.

posted by Velociman on April 6, 2005 11:37 PM

I soooo feel your pain. I average from 900-1400 miles a week....and do NOT get reimbursed on mileage..it's considered "the cost of doing business". Yeah - well...even with sales being up it's killing me. I fill the tank every.single.day. 6 days a week.

So glad I've only got 5 more days. It's just wrong.

posted by Tammi on April 7, 2005 07:52 AM

Got ya all beat. Filled up the F350 with diesel a few days ago. $95

posted by rightisright on April 7, 2005 12:13 PM

I almost hit $30 last night,,,$29 and some change. Good thing I get 32/mpg or I'd soon go broke! Even if the price of oil does go down, we still need more refineries to make the gas! Somebody better be gettin' on the ball here soon!

posted by Michele on April 7, 2005 01:13 PM

Can you imagine having a 3 hour round trip to the office everyday? I know people who do this. Damn.

posted by Sam on April 7, 2005 02:23 PM

That would be me Sam. Now you know two.

But I'm moving to Charlotte NC soon and hopefully will only have to drive 1.5 hours a day instead of 3.0.

posted by Jesse on April 7, 2005 03:12 PM

Think I may have "won". I have a Tahoe and get about 18 miles to the gallon and drive around 500 miles a week...

ouch.

posted by Christina on April 7, 2005 08:35 PM

I topped 40 all week long last week and twice last Sunday comin' home. This.Shit.Aint.Right. If, as "they" say we went to war for oil, I'd say we're gettin' our asses kicked, but I damned sure know better then that.

My company sells us gasoline for about 15-20 cents less a gallon then the goin' rate and I swear I couldn't wait to get back to work on Monday. When I did, the price tag at the work pump was a buck 99 a gallon...

Key, you're right. You're might as well fly.

posted by RedNeck on April 7, 2005 08:37 PM

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posted by Key on 05:49 PM | Comments (15)
» Bad Bad Juju links with: THREE HOURS A DAY?

Georgia Pacific Can Kiss My Ass

I have had it with the clawing, begging and beseeching for a few measly inches (of seemingly prized) coarse, thin paper with which to dry my delicate side every time I brave a public restroom.

These contraptions should be used for friggin target practice. The whole lot of 'em.

Note the word "locking" in the description. Oh yeah, these things aren't defective when they do not allow us more than four inches of toilet paper. No, they are defective when they do.

The locking function prevents "waste" and "pilferage."

Yeah... I go to Six Flags or Dave and Busters or Jillian's - where I am pilfered to the tune of three healthy figures - and I'm gonna recoup it in the bathroom, stashing loads of the thin, rough stuff, so I can take it home and wipe my ass raw. That'll show 'em.

Know why you see "waste" all over the floor? Cuz I'm not the only one pissed! Once you get the damn thing to cooperate, you grab handfuls of it, and litter the stall out of spite...as it should be.

I've never seen that happen in a nice, well-kept restroom, with a normal, fully functional dispenser sportin' a roll of Charmin.

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posted by Key on 12:54 PM | Comments (10)
» Gut Rumbles links with: i've never understood it either

To My Favorite Troublemaker

When I am called at one in the morning by a slurring hellion, one who is getting bitched out by his [now ex] girlfriend as he sheepishly asks for a ride, and I am the first person that he thought of to call...I gotta know I am loved.

Ah, but he is more than that. He is a loving son, a doting uncle, and a southern boy who will ma'am the women, and kick the ass of anyone exhibiting respect issues.

At the ripe 'ol age of 10, he answered the doorbell, scowled at the sixteen year old boy standing on the porch, and asked as gruffly as he could muster, "You here to take out my sister?"

Happy Birthday to my brother. He is 24 today.

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posted by Key on 10:24 PM | Comments (5)

Bad Pets!

Ow! Ungehfuhuh!
Out damn Spot, and take Spike too!
The beasts won't be tamed.

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posted by Key on 02:08 PM | Comments (8)

Blogging Should Really Be More Exclusive

Really.

For instance, maybe there should be a literacy requirement.

Yeah, okay, I'm feeling dirty right now. I have just discovered that my nephew has started blogging, all fourteen years worth of him, however he's not yet familiar with the term.

His Mom: Oh, did you know your nephew has his own site now?
Me, looking at him: Really, you have a blog?
Him: Huh?
Me, to his mom: Yeah, I've had one for over a year, but I'm not giving up the url.
Me, to him: You giving yours up?
Him: Nope.
Me: Didn't think so.

So, how is he blogging without knowing it? Easy, apparently, he is using a service that caters to pre-teens.

Easy set up, easy forum to chat. I decided I had to check it out, not that I'll find his page...well, not right away anyway.

But here's an excerpt from one of my more enlightening reads along my journey:

moo gaunarria! moo! phil foot paste feel movie, achoo?you so telephone butt crust ashley's foot. pink johnny depp poop log corn killer whale jelly belly maggie mulan floobagidgit! coffee bean sexy yo...forizzle dinasour vacuum. metallica good will (fart face mcgee) lol! poeye the sailor man...TOOT TOOT! are u ready...i'm ready! ...will be waiting for u with the stuff... at formicio's! never doubt the power of love between maggie the insane opossum and patrick, the knight in shining armour.

Uh-huh. Sounds like somebody already dipped into the stuff. That from a thirteen year old's blog. I looked through a couple of dozen, and I've got to hand it to this one; they get the most tasteful award. And that ought to like, tell you something, lol...

Initially, I was irritated that my sport has become a mass pre-teen hobby, thereby lessening it somehow. But now, I'm thinking I could be jealous.

Isn't it enough that they got time-out instead of butt-beatings, better happy meal toys, and a chance to participate in every extracurricular sport known to man?

Now they get to BLOG in middle school?

Spoiled just took on a whole new meaning.

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posted by Key on 12:15 AM | Comments (4)

I'm Up!

6:30am: Mom! Can I get up and watch TV?
7:30am: Mom! Can we get something to eat?
8:00am: Gallop, gallop, stomp, stomp, giggle, shriek, yell, gallop, stomp...
8:30am: Mom! I stumped my toe! [No doubt galloping] Can I get a bandaid?
9:00am: Mom! Can I give the dog a treat?

I'm up!

And now we shall review 2 lessons:
1. Permission starts with "May I..."
2. Mom sleeps IN on Saturday mornings!

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posted by Key on 11:09 AM | Comments (7)

So Sweet

As referenced in the comments of a recent Vdaddy post, several months ago Catfish gave me a picture of some handsome luvahs taken at the Athens mini-meet.

I emailed the pic to them, naturally, to get a courtesy permission to post. I never dreamed that they'd be so homophobic as to deny me the honor, particularly since one is a metrosexual and the other is well on his way.

Permission denied. Phobic bastids. What up?

But I respected their decision then, and I do still. No way I'm posting that pic until they are ready to come out, tell all. You guys take your time.

One more thing...

Key Issues

April 29, 2005

Nearing 100,000

April 28, 2005

Ah, Now I Get It

April 26, 2005

Spring Cleaning

April 25, 2005

Moving Right Along

April 20, 2005

Excuses, Excuses...

April 18, 2005

If Ever...

Damn Tired!

April 13, 2005

A Sobering Thought

One of Those Mornings...

April 12, 2005

News or Cartoons?

April 11, 2005

My Glamour Shot

April 10, 2005

Mom, MD

April 08, 2005

Problem Committing

April 06, 2005

$50

April 05, 2005

Georgia Pacific Can Kiss My Ass

April 03, 2005

To My Favorite Troublemaker

Bad Pets!

Blogging Should Really Be More Exclusive

April 02, 2005

I'm Up!

April 01, 2005

So Sweet

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