Observations by Key Monroe~~Home of Right Opinions, Cynical Viewpoints, and TMI in Hefty Doses
|E-mail: keymonroe [at] alltel [dot] net

November 14, 2004

key review

I have decided to write a review of Key Monroe, the way I would review a book, a movie, a Shiner beer, a new restaurant or a blow-job that I paid good money for anything else worthy of reviewing. I'm not reviewing the blog. I'm reviewing the PERSON.

Key is a stunningly good-looking woman. She turns heads when she walks into a room, and I ain't talking about just the big heads, either. Key is tall (and she sometimes wears platform shoes to ADD to her altitude, just intimidate short, sawed-off fucks such as Acidman), with long, Clairol's Best semi-blonde hair and a dazzling smile. Her voice is melodic, but not nearly as Southern as I would expect from someone from her part of Georgia. She is a serial flirt and damn good at it.

She just turned 30 years old. She was depressed by that thought, which made me chuckle because I know that she ain't even ripe yet. Key at 30 is pretty impressive. Key at 35 will be AWESOME. Trust me. I know these things.

Key likes to argue. SHE calls it "a debate," but it's an argument, pure and simple. She also has an annoying habit of stopping an argument by suddenly declaring victory, announcing "I am right and you are wrong. Admit it." and then gloating over her "victory." She likes to rub it in even when she doesn't win.

Key can hit a half-rubber, too. She swings a mighty broomstick and watching her in action persuaded me to grant her "victory" any time she wants it in an argument, lest she take a brookstick to my Cracker ass and lay welts on me like worms. I'll piss her off by being a smart-ass now and then, but I don't think I ever want to make her really mad at me. That could hurt.

The sorry-ass doesn't blog enough, and I don't buy her "work" and "no home computer" excuses for running a lonely page. She's just lazy. Anybody who can talk non-stop the way SHE can has no excuse for not posting DOZENS of times every day.

Take THAT, Key. I am right and you are wrong. Admit it.

She also has a very disgusting attraction to cats. About the only time she'll STOP talking on the phone is to hold a cat up to the receiver so that you can hear it purr, when she KNOWS that you hate cats. Yeah, she does shit like that.

But she's a Bulldawg fan, and that washes away a multitude of sins in my book. She can't hold any liquor, but that's not bad because it makes her a cheap drunk. A couple of glasses of wine, and she's tanked. That leaves all the good shit at the bar for the pros to consume.

Yeah, Key is all right. I give her Four Stars.

(mystery guest-blogger)

posted by Key on 11:06 PM | Comments (8)
ยป Gut Rumbles links with: groundless accusations

I give Key five stars. Which is essential because I apparently got drunk and let slip the blogkeys.

A stunning woman, indeed. Makes me whimper, which is actually a good thing.

Sorry, Key. I'll run this ruffian off. All the way back to the Crackerbox.

Posted by: Velociman at November 15, 2004 01:21 AM

That is one stunning woman. I booshit you not.

Posted by: Jim - PRS at November 15, 2004 02:02 AM

That *was* Acidman, wasn't it?

Posted by: zonker at November 15, 2004 05:28 AM

Why are you people accusing ME of writing that post? Do you think I would actually say something NICE about a woman who towers a full head above me? And thinks she's always RIGHT?

Bullshit. I think the Grouchy Old Cripple wrote it, trying to imitate me again.

Posted by: Acidman at November 15, 2004 12:55 PM

I think you wrote it because - in your eyes, at least - it took her too long to decide that you had the "purtiest damn toes" at Blawgtoberfest. Now that we've established a motive...

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