Observations by Key Monroe~~Home of Right Opinions, Cynical Viewpoints, and TMI in Hefty Doses
|E-mail: keymonroe [at] alltel [dot] net

April 21, 2004

A Hypothetical for the Guys...

Let's say that you're having an affair. Let's say that you get the girl pregnant...

She decides to have and raise the baby.

Now you have options, none of them great. You can leave the old family to start a new one, you can opt out of being a father to this baby, or you can come clean in an effort to be a father to all of your children.

What do you do?

(Don't say you wouldn't get into that situation. We're playing this my way. You ARE in that situation.)

posted by Key on 09:02 PM | Comments (19)

This should be interesting - what if the man has no children with his current wife - would that make a difference to him?

Posted by: Beth Donovan at April 21, 2004 11:50 PM

Let's say that he does.

There's a story here, but I wanted to gather up a few thoughts before sharing...

That is if anyone's willing to go there. ; )

Posted by: Key at April 22, 2004 12:23 AM

If we're playing best choice from a moral point of view, then I pick #3.

While it's more painful in the short run, coming clean is always the best policy. One preserves their self respect and very probably earns their children's when they grow up. The other 2 choices lead to nothing but long term misery and compound one mistake with another (or several)

my 2ยข

Posted by: Jesse Brown at April 22, 2004 02:56 AM


Then probably #3.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at April 22, 2004 06:53 AM

I've noticed that if you have a moral dilemma, the choice which is the most unpleasant personally and the hardest to follow through on is generally the right one. In this case, coming clean...

Does that mean it will be possible to be a father to all the children? Nope...

Posted by: Jack at April 22, 2004 03:58 PM

I agree Jack. Either way one child lives with you and one child visits.

So, is coming clean REALLY what you guys would do? I'm not asking what's best, I'm asking you to be real!

Posted by: Key at April 22, 2004 04:32 PM

Jeez, what brought that on? This is not a multiple choice answer. I'll attempt…

Leaving the old family for the new is not an option in my view.

That being said, the second option where one "opts" out of fatherhood on the unborn child looks dim also. It's too close to the abandonment choice of option one.

Initial response is to take responsibility. This would be my choice based on facts given. I would want to be a father to all my children. However, …

The pregnant woman has some input. She may be thinking of the child and desire a normal family. She may want to find (or already know) a man willing to adopt and be a father to the child. I would defer to her wishes in this event.

If she has no prospects and has little in the way of a future, I would come clean and try to be a father to the new child. Providing, of course my current wife is willing to stay in the marriage and accept my mistake.

Posted by: Quinn at April 22, 2004 04:35 PM

Interesting, the obvious choice from a moral point of view is option 3. My choice would be option 1, for the following reasons.
1. If I had an affair that resulted in the other woman becoming pregnat, I should have or would have known that was a possiblity.
2. I had an affair for a reason, may not have been a good reason, but for some reason I found that my relationship in my marriage was not what I wanted.
3. The first marriage for all intents is now dead, and I should not have had an affair with a woman that I would not consider marriage with.

but that is just me.

Posted by: James Old Guy at April 22, 2004 04:39 PM

Those are both very good points. I knew there had to be several takes on this.

I'm having trouble putting myself in the wife's position if option #3 were chosen.

Posted by: Key at April 22, 2004 07:48 PM

This very thing happened to a friend of mine just last week. She was told last Friday by her (estranged) husband that his girlfriend is pregnant. It appears he is going to move in with the girlfriend.

Posted by: No Name at April 22, 2004 08:12 PM

Break for cover...leave 'em all.

Just Kidding!

I would, as always, evaluate all my options...but in the end...I would come clean and face the music...right or wrong, there really is no other choice.

Who lives in your head?

Posted by: Sam at April 22, 2004 08:34 PM

Good points made for options 1 and 3.
But, and at the risk of appearing to give a cop-out answer, I'd have to say that the question is impossible to answer with the info given. I'd really have to know who these women are.
Did I have the affair because the Other Woman was who I'd really been waiting for, or because she had an irresistibly cute butt?
Did I cheat on my wife because I was dissatisfied with my marriage, or because she's a brunette and I had a hankerin' - just once - for a redhead?
I'd, of course, want to be a dad to all of my children, but as to which mom I'd choose to be with depends on who they (we) are, not just in what order I'd known them.

Posted by: Tuning Spork at April 23, 2004 12:34 AM

That being said -- and picking only from the 3 given options -- I'd go with #3. It's my gut reaction maybe either because of or in spite of the fact that my father picked #1.

Posted by: Tuning Spork at April 23, 2004 12:38 AM

Why isn't "Kick her in the stomach then push her down the stairs." an option?

Just sayin' all options should be explored.

Posted by: rightisright at April 25, 2004 07:49 PM

Based on the info given, the only answer for me is #3. Some what-ifs:

Chances are good Wife will send you down the river, leaving you with choice 1 & 2. I would then choose #1, and try to be the best divorced dad as I could.

Posted by: Phil WInsor at April 27, 2004 06:40 PM

Dear Key:

In that case, I'd have to admit "I'm screwed". It's never happened to me -- but I've got a tale for you:

Some many years back (shortly after my divorce), I started dating a gal long-distance. In the fullness of time, she decided she wanted to fly out and meet me.

Yes, we had sex.

She got back home, and I realised that regardless of doing "the big nasty", she really just wasn't going to be 'the one'. I let her down easy -- but she wasn't willing to give up so fast.

Conveniently around my birthday (three months later), I got a phone call. Yep; she was pregnant! Further; she wanted money -- about $1,000 to 'get things started'.

B-School training stepped in immediately. The first person I called was my attorney. The conversation went like this, after I described the scenario:

"Did you use protection?"


"Do you know if it worked?"

"There's no way to tell that."

"Don't you think it odd that she waited three months and THEN called you on your birthday?"

"Well; yes..."

"Don't you think it's odd that she wants nearly the same amount of money to cover her 'expenses' that her airfare probably cost?"

"Here's what we're going to do. Personally, I think she wants her airfare back. I'm going to write her a letter. In it, you're going to (a) accept full responsibility for the child if she agrees to have her physician send a diagnosis of pregnancy on the clinic's letterhead with contact information for the attending physician, and agrees to submit to a DNA test at her own expense."

(This was well before Springer started doing it for free).

You guessed it -- I never heard from her again. Case closed. No pregnancy.

I wonder how many guys get suckered into THAT one?

In future -- I was strongly counseled to KNOW the woman BEFORE engaging in any 'activity'. Believe it or not, there are quite a few out there who never got the message of "liberation", and are still looking for a free ride....



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