Observations by Key Monroe~~Home of Right Opinions, Cynical Viewpoints, and TMI in Hefty Doses
|E-mail: keymonroe [at] alltel [dot] net

June 17, 2005

Summah Luvin Da Dieting

So I decided to lose the last ten pounds that love me so and hate to go...those last ten that stand between me and that killer pair of jeans, which sit gathering dust atop my closet.

Upon making this decision, I immediately switched cereals. No more Special K with sliced bananas. Or yogurt. NO, I MUST have peanut butter Captain Crunch.

And no more of this fruit smoothie bullshit for a snack. Nooooo, I must have rewards now for my good behavior. Ergo, I have made, in the past month or so, some seriously divine desserts:

Pecan toffee trimmed with dark chocolate,
Homemade apple pie with Dutch topping,
Lemon cake with drizzled butter glaze,
Cookies with chocolate and toffee chunks,

But that is not all...Oh no, that is not all:

I went to the grocery store and bought OREOS! 2 Bags. Buy one/get one. Then I moseyed on over to the dairy case, where me and my lactose intolerant ass bought TWO gallons of Breyer's ice cream. (Also buy one/get one.)

And then I went home, and like a maddened scientist, frantically filled my (former smoothie) blender to the rim with a combination of the two delicacies, watching intently as they became one. And the Priss and I dined on Oreo-blackened shakes with a Lactaid chaser.

Conclusion: I MUST go off of this diet - IMMEDIATELY - before I gain 30 pounds.

I hate that I am so cleanly filed away as an example of such a simple psychological axiom, but uh...I'm afraid that would be the case.

Deprived! Prob: I am starving, bless my soul, I will never taste sweets again, so famished I have become... Solution: Therefore I must indulge one last time. And then, one more last time...

And...Fuck it.

I am officially off of my diet. I will now go back to fruit, yogurt and grilled chicken.

Soooo... Anyone else struggle with this particular affliction, "irony of the appetite" so to speak, or am I a freak?

I must admit that I was feeling a little guilt over my apparent lack of discipline until mid-morning today.

It was then that I found myself watching Fox news, as usual, and LO! A commercial for Relacore. And what a patronizing bitch sweet lady that was describing the miracle capsule, all 110 pounds of her.

Anyway, bless her soul, she told me that IT'S NOT MY FAULT! (Which - how did she know? - was EXACTLY what I wanted to hear!) Nooo, the fault is that of an evil hormone called cortisol! And it can be killed, if I'm willing to pay the assassins $153 per month!

Heh. I knew it wasn't my fault. If that damn Cortisol comes home with Oreos again, I might just hire the mercenaries to hunt it down like the dirty dog that it is.

Now I know. Those dirty bastards in molecular clothing. I will have their asses.

posted by Key on 05:47 PM | Comments (14)

Shit fire girl, you would look great even if you gained 100 pounds.

Posted by: catfish at June 17, 2005 06:27 PM

Aaw, thanks Sweetie.

(But I have big ol pregnant pictures that don't lie. And yes, I do lack the courage to post them!)

Posted by: Key at June 17, 2005 06:55 PM

I have lived on my Beer and Ice Cream diet for years. In 1955 I weighed in at 152 lbs and to day I am at 163, reason is that flab has a heavier specific gravity that muscle. so I look at my weight gain a just an aging thing.


Posted by: jerry at June 17, 2005 08:34 PM

I've lost 35 pounds since I met all you bloggers in Helen. I like to think it is because ya'll killed my appetite. Every time I try to keep something down, I go read a Jawja blogger.

Why that is, I wonder?

Posted by: Velociman at June 17, 2005 09:06 PM

God makes OREOS, so they must be Ok. Eat as many as you need.

Posted by: Sam at June 17, 2005 10:12 PM

Cortisol, huh? I did a nickel in Reedsville with that bastard. All talking shit about thin and fat, besides that which we chewed or that existed within his head. I know for a fact, though, that Cell Block 6 wishes he was back. They love bullshit in Prison.

Here's what you do. Corty baby has a trick jaw. The right isn't your typical Christmas ball fragile, but the left, when enough force is thoroughly applied with the blunt façade of one’s fist, usually pops half his mandible straight off. Knuckles figured this shit out when Cortisol ended up with AKA of "Cortney." Knuckles still wonders where his princess went.

Posted by: A Clockwork Orange Happier at June 17, 2005 11:07 PM

I do the same thing. I've been trying to lose 15 lbs since November - I've gained 10.

The same thought process...hell, I can even rationalize ice cream for breakfast.

I'm with you - I do much better when I'm not on a diet!

Posted by: Tammi at June 18, 2005 10:34 AM

Ok, I eat whatever I want whenever I want. I just don't eat a LOT of it. Spend a little extra money and cook with peanut oil and olive oil instead of vegetable oil...and go for walks a lot. Take some time to like enjoy the scenery, then it isn't so much like exercising. If you've got a sig. other or husband, kick it up a notch in the bedroom..sex burns lots of calories. Oh, and watch your dairy intake...whole milk and cheese are just as bad as ice cream.

Posted by: Kelly Drennan at June 18, 2005 01:59 PM

SEX, did anyone say SEX? I'm in for some SEX, I better add just women and very young ladies for you assholes out there, Cat

Posted by: catfish at June 19, 2005 02:29 PM

Eat whatever you want, once a day, and don't eat after 3 pm. Drink whatever you want after 3 pm.

It only hurts for a week or so, until your stomach shrinks. I lost 50 lbs doing this, and I feel great.

Posted by: Bane at June 19, 2005 02:47 PM

Eat what you want and die like a man!

Posted by: Acidman at June 20, 2005 11:16 AM

I eat lots watermelon lately with dark chocolate. Then a glass of red wine, Cabernet mostly, sometimes Shiraz or Merlo. I feel great and lost about 7 pounds.

Posted by: bad credit repair at June 20, 2005 12:33 PM

Catfish started it he said sex!

Posted by: livey at June 21, 2005 05:06 PM

What 10 pounds? You look great just the way you are! See ya in Nawlins!

Posted by: Denny at June 25, 2005 10:37 PM
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