Key Issues

drive-by blogging

Heh. I just broke into Key's house because I know that she's NEVER home on the weekends, and I hate to see a blog with no recent posts. I'm going to look around here and see what I find.

Hmmm... here on the coffee table is the latest issue of Cosmopolitan magazine, open to page 64. The story is "Ten Sex Secrets Every Woman Should Know To Drive Men Wild." Lemme look at this.

Bejus! She's used a yellow highlighter pen on eight of the secrets! I suppose that she wants to remember those. But what about the two that AREN'T highlighted? Has she already mastered these techniques, or does she think that they are just too disgusting to attempt? I'll have to ask her about that if she ever speaks to me again after reading this post.

What's she got in the refrigerator? No beer. Just damn! There's a half-eaten McDonald's Happy Meal and a suspicious-looking bottle of milk that appears to have curds floating on the top. I think I'll have a glass of that. Probably tastes like buttermilk.

I wonder where she keeps her glasses? Aw, what the hell. I'll just drink the milk straight from the bottle. She'll never know...

ARRRGGGH!!! That tastes like shit!!! I didn't mean to spray the refrigerator door with projectile milk-spit, but I couldn't help myself. Besides, that clotted milk hanging like strings of snot from the refrigerator makes her kitchen resemble mine. I'm not going to clean that up. I'm going to have to eat the rest of that stale Happy Meal to get this horrible taste out of my mouth.

ARRRGGGH! The Chicken McNuggets have bugs crawling all over them! I didn't realize that fact until I had eaten one and a half McNuggets. But... upon further reflection, I have decided that the bugs provide a delightful crunch with a delicate aftertaste of Raid insecticide. I've eaten worse. I'm going to finish this meal.

Okay, I always like to check the bathroom. Let's go there... and AHA! Just as I suspected! The toilet paper is on the holder and it feeds with the top sheet unrolling from the front. I always figured Key for an "outie" kind of person. But she's also got one of those feminine, frilly toilet-lid covers that make it impossible for a man to piss using only one hand. If I don't hold the lid up with one hand and piss with Roscoe in the other, I risk a very bad guillotine experience as the lid slams down of its own accord. (Okay. Maybe "stubby" would escape unharmed, but just the idea of a commode snapping at me like the giant shark in Jaws puts me off very badly.)

Listen, Key... take Acidman's Hot Sex Tip #11: DO NOT put a frilly cover on your toilet lid if you want to keep a man around the house. He'll either leave you or piss right on the lid if you insist on putting that kind of bullshit in a man's world. Trust me on this.

Okay, what's in the bedroom? Candles, a well-made bed and a nice scent of perfume. A fluffy robe neatly flung like road-kill in one corner. Something here on the nightstand that resembles a sawed-off baseball bat made of shiny plastic. It has a button on it. I wonder what happens if I push that button....

BUZZZZZZZZ!!!!

Got-Damn, Key! You should be ashamed of yourself!!! Don't give me any shit about using that thing for "massage purposes only." I know what it's for.

But I had better get out of here before I run down her batteries.