Observations by Key Monroe~~Home of Right Opinions, Cynical Viewpoints, and TMI in Hefty Doses
|E-mail: keymonroe [at] alltel [dot] net

September 20, 2004

Groping the Stress Ball

So I find myself at the mall Friday night, which is a sacrifice I made for Miss Priss, whose social calendar had her scheduled for two birthday parties this weekend.

We found the gifts - which HAD to come from Limited Too - and proceeded to check out (with much more than two gifts in our arms.)

Like any good catering-to-kids store, all these fluorescent little key chains and lip glosses were stacked by the register. I ignored my daughter's perusal through these things as I handed our finds over to the cutesy college girl behind the register.

Then I looked down to see Miss Priss exclaim for the fourth time, "Eeeew! Cool!" This time she handed something to me.

Upon initial observation it appeared to be some chicken-skinned looking pink gelatinous stress ball squeezy thing. Being squished in the holder's palm its primary function, I gave the thing a good squeeze.

At first touch it was extremely soft, but when given a good squeeze, I soon noticed a slightly firmer ball on the inside.

Immediately, I let go and looked at the thing as though I expected it to cry out in pain. I tell you, if anyone had it in their hearts to mass produce a faux testicle, ya just can't get anymore realistic than that!

Well, being me - my philosophy being why let someone wonder what you're thinking when you can easily just blurt it out - I wasted no time. Before I could get the thing out of my hand, I looked at the cutesy cashier and blurted, "Isn't that thing sorta obscene?"

There was a split second there that I wished I could have retracted that. (To ask was to assume the girl had carnal knowledge of such things.)

Split-second over...apparently she was more shocked that I had noticed. She started laughing as she answered, "The other girls and I were just making fun of that thing earlier today!"

Okay. So WTF is it doing in there? Shouldn't it be in Spencer's or something? I instructed Miss Priss to put it back where she found it.

"Mommy, can't I have it?"

"No, honey. Your time will come."

posted by Key on 04:56 PM | Comments (21)
» Gut Rumbles links with: you did what?
» suburban blight links with: Love Tap

I guess I'll have to be the one to say it:


Posted by: Jack at September 20, 2004 05:01 PM

LIAR!!! You bought one for yourself, didn't you?

Posted by: Acidman at September 20, 2004 10:11 PM

...no, Key... it's GRAB, twist, PULL, and GRAB... you've got your hand-to-hand combat down all wrong... oh, and by the way... there is no such thing as a "good squeeze".... they are ALL bad, darlin... cupping, yes... squeezing, no...

Posted by: Eric at September 21, 2004 12:08 AM

"No, honey. Your time will come."


Sweet Jesus in heaven, I cannot believe you'd say that to her!

After such a statement, I'm a little surprised you didn't buy two of them, tie them together, and spank her with them. I can hear it now--

"Miss Priss, if I have to say one more thing to you------"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Not the ....."

You can fill in the rest. *shakes head*

Posted by: Adam at September 21, 2004 10:02 AM

You enjoyed it, didn't you , admit it, you gave it a second squeeze didn't you. Who were you thinking about with that evil gleam in your eye? John Kerry? Acidman?

Posted by: James Old Guy at September 21, 2004 01:16 PM

Now I'm gonna have to go BACK to that store and purchase one of those little toys so that I can bring it to the blog-meet.

Anytime anyone pisses me off, I'll give it a good crush!

...Or I can buy several of them and give them to my friends who are recently divorced.

(No, Adam, I didn't really say that. I stopped at "No, honey," but that was a better line to end on. Incidentally, you are one sick puppy.)

Posted by: Key at September 21, 2004 01:23 PM

Wear a couple pair as a necklace, or better yet have an uneven number as a necklace,"Well, at least I left them one,"ought to go over well.

Posted by: augustr at September 21, 2004 01:28 PM

Ouch. I see this has touched a nerve among the guys. Women might think this is funny but guys are crossing their legs protectively just in case.

Posted by: Michael at September 21, 2004 02:10 PM

..what a flashback, Adam... BWHAHAHAH... sorry, Key..

Posted by: Eric at September 21, 2004 02:38 PM

Eric, how can you two "flashback" onto a topic that you never left?

...maybe August has the right idea. ; )

Posted by: Key at September 21, 2004 02:57 PM

*I'M* a sick puppy?!?! You said it madam. And, it was YOUR story that started all the hype.

Besides, you don't find me chatting with clerks at Limited Too about how one of their products resembles, errr, uhmmm, "the boys."

Posted by: Adam at September 21, 2004 04:09 PM

No, I'm pretty sure you would have been asking for her phone number... ; )

Hey, don't kill the observer. I didn't design the thing ...and I sure as hell didn't market it. Somebody missed the boat on this one.

Posted by: Key at September 21, 2004 04:15 PM

Buy four and bring them to the blogfest. I'll pay you for them. We'll use them as half-rubber trophies.

Posted by: Acidman at September 21, 2004 05:06 PM

I saw something similar to that in Key West. It was a rubber penis on a key (sorry) chain, and when you squeezed it a bubble of spoot would come out of the end, and would retract when you released the penis.

I wish I'd bought one. Not because the girls were begging me to, which they were, but because that would have been a very special half-rubber trophy.

Posted by: Velociman at September 22, 2004 12:46 AM

"Spoot"? Now that's one I've never heard.

(First one who says "stupid Yankee" gets sat on, dammit, and I'm bigger than any of you.)

Posted by: Mamamontezz at September 22, 2004 01:57 AM

I suppose you could use them in place of fuzzy dice from the rear-view mirrors.

Posted by: zonker at September 22, 2004 05:25 AM

Ok Key, you've finally "almost" equaled the Cat Puke Chronicles! Definitely laughed at this one and the comments!


Posted by: Jesse at September 28, 2004 12:35 PM

>Spyware Removal - Net Cop - Spyware Removal

Posted by: Net-Cop at February 15, 2005 06:07 AM

Last year when we were in New Orleans for a weekend, John and I bought a bunch of Mardi Gras beads that had little bitty penises on them - when you squeezed them, the stuff Velociman talked about up there squished out.

I'm going to New Orleans tomorrow for a week of work, I'll see if I can find some more of them and send you one!

Posted by: Beth Donovan at March 12, 2005 02:25 PM


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