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I'm glad she was okay. School starting tomorrow???? Ugh...that's sick - ours doesn't start until September 5th!

I'm pretty sure getting my buttocks spanked for pissing in the wrong place is a nominal punishment as these things go. But as a greater mammal I reckon I'm held to a higher standard. It ain't fair!

She might have a UTI or bladder infection. Usually when they pee out side of the box in unusual places, that is the only way they can tell you.

Naw, she's healthy. My other kitty has struggled with that, but she still used her litter box; she just cried when she went! Very pitiful.

No, this one does it when we are poor housekeepers. Should we leave ANYTHING on the floor, it becomes hers to piss on.

Lol! I had the opposite. If Jade had the UTI going on, he'd pee on some thing other than his litter box. If Luigi peed on something it was because he was well......"pissy". That cat would piss on your pillow just to be spiteful. Needless to say, I did not keep him long.

That camera takes great pictures.

I'm glad the kitty got home safely. And what is it with the starting school so early around here? It can't be because they want to get ahead of the snow days? Do they get more vacations or something?

Looks an awful lot like my cat, Shadow. He went to France and back with me. I have a photo of him around somewhere...

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The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

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All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

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There are certainly a lot of details like that to take into consideration. That is a great point to bring up. I offer the thoughts above as general inspiration but clearly there are questions like the one you bring up where the most important thing will be working in honest good faith. I don?t know if best practices have emerged around things like that, but I am sure that your job is clearly identified as a fair game. Both boys and girls feel the impact of just a moment’s pleasure, for the rest of their lives.

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> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

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Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

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Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

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I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

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I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

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I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

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The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

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Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

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I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

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I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

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He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

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Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

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Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

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Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

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Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

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The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

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Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

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There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

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We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

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Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

I agree with your Key Issues: Bad Kitty, great post.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

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I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

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The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

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If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

I agree with your Key Issues: Bad Kitty, fantastic post.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

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How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

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Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

I agree with your Key Issues: Bad Kitty, excellent post.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I agree with your Key Issues: Bad Kitty, wonderful post.

I agree with your Key Issues: Bad Kitty, fantastic post.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

I agree with your Key Issues: Bad Kitty, good post.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I agree with your Key Issues: Bad Kitty, superb post.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

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